Pretty Little Liars Season 6 Episode 1 – TV Review

PLL Game On, Charles morgue

Efficient.

I think PLL has taught us by now that if it seems too good to be true, it definitely is.

And if it seems 100% on-screen confirmed to be true, then it isn’t.

And if it’s literally anything, it definitely isn’t true.

Welcome to PLL season 6.

TL;DR The Liars plus Mona spend the episode trying to escape from the bunker, which they do; Alison and the boys spend the episode trying to find the Liars plus Mona, which they do; the only thing new is that there was another girl in the bunker.

Sara Harvey, that girl who went missing at the same time as Alison that we heard about in one episode a season and a half ago. Remember her? Nope. Because nobody does. Good answer.

So things pick up where we retardedly left off at the end of last season, as the Liars plus Mona are stranded above ground at A’s/Charles’ bunker (I’m just going to use “A” and “Charles” interchangeably, because who even cares at this point). Charles starves them out for a bit, before forcing them back underground and making them undergo three weeks of supposed horrors. Mona falls out of favour, but the Liars end up barging their way into Charles’ special room and setting it on fire to force his hand. He is unmoved, but the girls prove industrious enough to rescue Mona and make their escape, anyway. Meanwhile, the world at large now knows that the girls have been kidnapped, that Andrew is the prime suspect (and missing), and Alison, having had her conviction overturned, is now a target. She evades Roma and the police so she can go on a secret mission with Ezra, Caleb, and Toby to find the girls. They do. And they also find another girl who’s been in the bunker a teensy bit longer than the others (she’s been in there since the day Alison originally went missing): Sara “Wait, who?” Harvey.

Adding more characters and mysteries when you haven’t even attempted to solve the ones you’ve already got? Who do you think you are? Lost?

My burning PLL hate aside, this is actually a pretty slick episode. We throw off the shackles of bunker oppression hurriedly (thank fucking God), the girls are safe and sound at episode’s end, and even the world now knows most of what’s going on.

But I goddamn swear, if things take a textbook PLL dip into the absurd, I’m out. I’ve sat through three fucking seasons of piled on bullshit, and I’ve had enough. I’m happy to ride PLL to its close, but only if that ride is fun.

You’ve got your end date. You’ve got your game plan. Don’t fuck it up, PLL.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Alison and the boys’ plan is ridiculous. They fake an A taunt so they can get Alison out of her house, because Roma and the cops have her, understandably, under police guard. But Alison only escapes because the officer that Roma explicitly orders to watch over Alison in a locked room just arbitrarily leaves her post. Solid plan, guys.

Not to mention that they are arrogant enough to think that a single GPS tracking device placed in Alison’s shoe is all they’ll need to thwart A. Haven’t they been paying attention to their lives? Jesus Christ. Shockingly, A pre-empts this by having Alison change her outfit when she’s funneled to her destination.

With the police and the world now more or less knowing about A and what’s happening, how will PLL continue its mysteries? At every turn, won’t the Liars just logically go running to Roma with the latest update? Which means that the show will have to find some stupid reason for them to not go to the authorities. Fuck.

In an amazingly frustrating example of PLL’s fondness for the “this one thing that happened years ago but is now the most vital thing ever” callback, Sara Harvey is a thing again. I don’t care, Sara. This show is already enough of a mess without you. I still can’t remember who exactly Bethany was, so I’m not committing any brainpower to you, bitch.

Mona’s ominous gas mask gift from the season finale gets answered this episode. All Charles does with it is put it over Mona’s face when he gasses the girls upon their return underground. Pointless.

Mona ends up in some kind of torture pit and holy fucking hell what a pathetic attempt to make an homage to The Silence of the Lambs. Buffalo Bill would be ashamed. I was half expecting Charles to say “it puts the lotion on its skin” just to really hammer home how garbage PLL is. So we can be thankful they didn’t go all the way, I suppose.

In another awful attempt to homage a classic horror movie, the police officer who traces Alison and the boys’ fake A call says, in what is an easy pick as the episode’s worst line, “The caller’s in the house.” Fuck. Off.

The Liars randomly wake up in a faux morgue after being gassed, and they suspect that A might use an image or video of them on the slabs to fake their deaths to the world. But that doesn’t happen. So that entire setup was just an empty sight gag, essentially. Jesus Christ.

Oh, and part of Charles’ nefarious plan is to give the Liars back their old looks. Which includes Aria’s totes unique pink hair extensions. Ugh.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Should I be complaining that PLL is giving me more reasons to hate Aria, though? I kind of live for that.

The best thing about the episode is that the bunker stuff is over and done with already. I was concerned we were going to have to settle into episode upon episode of the Liars sequestered in the bunker and enduring Charles’ bizarre feats of engineering. Is it too much to believe that PLL acknowledged how retarded the bunker was, and that’s why it was jettisoned so soon? Like season 2 of Revenge? It would make me happy.

And the truth about Alison, the Liars, and Mona is out there in the world. Like I said, PLL is going to have to contrive reasons for the girls not to just go straight to the cops with every problem, but for this one, shining moment, we had clarity. I’ll cherish it.

Spencer is now certain that Charles is a Dilaurentis. She’s combined what she saw in the home movies and the vault with some other clues she’s found (a child’s toy from the Dilaurentis house with “CD” as the initials), and it is the most reasonable guess. Good luck getting PLL to stick with anything logical, though.

Emily ends the episode by straight-up asking Alison who Charles Dilaurentis is. Bitch better have an answer.

In the three weeks they’re trapped in the bunker, the Liars apparently undergo such horrors that they refuse to even speak about them to each other. I’m glad.

Radley is shown in a news report to have been sold off and shut down. Please, stay that way.

The police find Andrew’s diary which details his psychotic opposition to the Liars. I told you nerds couldn’t be that hot without there being something wrong with them.

Oh, and the Silence of the Lambs reference at least made me think of The Silence of the Lambs for a couple of seconds. Which is something, I suppose.

PLL Game On, Charles Mona The Silence of the Lambs

“Or dance for me?”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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