The Top 5 Movies of the Past Year (For Whatever Reason) – Best Of

TV’s had its turn, so now we turn to the film snob side of I Just Hate Everything.

It’s a shame I barely reviewed any movies of the past year. And most of them were shitty horror movies.

So in light of that, I thought I’d do something a little different this year. If you recall, the last two years I’ve been clutching at whatever movies in my review list that could feasibly make up a Best Of compilation. And that’s been cute. But over the past twelve months, I’ve watched a lot of hot movies and chosen not to review them.

Why, you ask? Because I’m lazy as hell. I’ll happily sit here for hours a week and pump out TV reviews for agonising shit like Eye Candy and Under the Dome, but movie reviews don’t seem to excite me like they used to.

I weep for my attention span.

So this year, I’ll be showcasing five movies I’ve watched in the past year that I found the most memorable.

I will concede now that I unfortunately didn’t run into a Spring Breakers-sized travesty this year, so all five of these movies would have gotten a positive review from me.

Will I ever loathe again?

John Wick

What a slick, stylish, action revenge thriller. Keanu is back in form (can you believe he’s fifty years old? Nice), Theon from Game of Thrones plays the role he was typecast for, and there’s even a badass female character who doesn’t get tied down as the designated love interest or delicate flower.

And the entire plot is predicated on John Wick getting vengeance for his murdered puppy. I do love puppies.

I’m placing my bets now that the sequel will be utter garbage, though. My optimism has its limits.

22 Jump Street

I’m partial to a big, dumb comedy. And 22 Jump Street is the biggest, dumbest comedy of the past year.

Yeah, Jonah Hill still kind of irks me. And Channing Tatum’s visual charms are growing on me, although I’m not entirely convinced. But together, they are as golden as the first go around. And the movie is just that little bit better without that forced cameo at the end.

The meta stuff about it being a sequel is cool, too.

And the climactic fight sequence between Jonah Hill and the female villain, wherein they are both unsure whether or not the other is trying to initiate a kiss, is perfection.

The Lego Movie

It was snubbed by the Oscars, so I thought I’d throw it a bone. The poor thing.

Just kidding. The Lego Movie was fucking brilliant. The decision to animate almost everything using only actual Lego pieces was genius. The water and fire effects are sensational.

The final act veers down the expected melodramatic path, but the universe of The Lego Movie is so vibrant and cheerful that not even Bad Cop being forced to kind of murder his own parents, or Will Ferrell’s character’s obligatory “family first” Aesop can dampen it.

As an Australian, though, the Krazy Glue reveal didn’t work. We buy our super glue unbranded at the bargain store and then complain every time about how it hardens in the tube after its first use. We’re simple folk.

Gone Girl

Amy Elliott-Dunne may be the best new villain I’ve seen in a long time. I don’t think I’ve ever sat and watched a movie and seethed in rage at a character to this extent. I absolutely fucking hated that cunt Satan, and raged at her so intensely that I didn’t even realise how unnecessarily long the movie was. That’s impressive.

It’s also beautifully shot, the music is flawless, and you get to see a tiny bit of Ben Affleck’s dick, so it’s got that going for it.

And in Australia, part of the rating advice for it was for sexual violence. That generally means that a man is gonna rape a woman, but in this case, it was for a woman luring a man into sex and then slitting his throat. So it’s rated for sexual violence committed by a woman, against a man. That’s progressive.

You’re Not You

This one’s a late entry, but extremely deserving.

Yes, You’re Not You is an emotionally manipulative, obvious, clichéd weep fest. But goddamn, did it make me weep.

Without hyperbole, I cried for over half of this movie (from the scene where Emmy Rossum says “fuck you” to Hilary Swank), and a lot of that wasn’t just a few empathetic tears creeping loose. I’m talking full on sobs, man. I haven’t cried that hard and that long since I first saw The Notebook.

It doesn’t hurt that Emmy Rossum anchors the movie. I mentioned I’m a fan of Shameless US in this year’s TV Top 5, and most of that owes to her. She is absolutely divine, and she can break my heart in an instant.

And if you stick around for the credits, you can hear her sing.