Eye Candy Season 1 Episode 9 – TV Review

Eye Candy FYEO Tessa's death

Dammit. “Superfluous Blonde Girl” would have been an excellent nickname. Now I regret calling her by her actual name.

Tessa’s dead.

Lindy’s in peril.

Mr Stalker’s identity is revealed.

This penultimate episode doesn’t disappoint. Well, any more than Eye Candy usually disappoints.

TL;DR Aussie Guy is Mr Stalker after all; Sarah appears to have been dead all along; Tessa dies; Babylon is shut down; Lindy ends up alone with Aussie Guy in an area without reception.

A 1337 haxorz’s worst nightmare.

So following on from last week’s revelation that Sergeant knew something about Sarah, Lindy gets the deets: she was apparently part of a kidnap farm with several other girls, and one of them became Sarah’s friend. This girl is Sergeant’s niece, and Lindy goes to talk to her. With the info she has now, she gets help from Aussie Guy in tracking down a mass grave site for unclaimed bodies at Hart Island, and she and Aussie Guy head out there to dig ’em up and see if Sarah is there (scenes shown to us indicate she is). Meanwhile, Oliver’s body finally turns up, and Tommy then pressures Gay Friend into helping take down Babylon, because he thinks Gay Friend’s Bad Boss is in charge of it. It turns out he is, and in exchange for zero personal repercussions, Bad Boss offer Tommy both the shutdown of Babylon, and a clue to Mr Stalker’s identity. Tommy accepts, Babylon is shut down, and the clue confirms that Aussie Guy’s alibi for Horny Guy’s murder no longer checks out. Sergeant, who had been attacked by Mr Stalker earlier and briefly unmasked him, tells Black Cop, too, that Aussie Guy is Mr Stalker. Uh oh, Lindy. And Mr Stalker attempts to murder Black Friend, but Tessa, who we discover is actually dying from an inoperable brain tumor, sacrifices herself in Black Friend’s place.

Why Mr Stalker didn’t just murder Tessa and then murder Black Friend, too, is anyone’s guess. So serial killers follow their own Law of Conservation of Mass Murder?

Eye Candy isn’t really able to deliver in the acting or character development departments. Which means all it can do is barrage us with exposition to distract us.

Which this episode does very successfully.

To be fair, though, I am easily distracted. I mean, I’ve watched all of Eye Candy, haven’t I?


Why I hate this episode:

Mr Stalker really should have just killed Black Friend, too. I can’t imagine even MTV is tragic enough to renew Eye Candy, so Mr Stalker needs to take any opportunities he can get.

I would be very surprised if Sarah does end up having been dead all along. Eye Candy doesn’t seem like the kind of show that could keep its plotting that defiantly mundane. There’s got to be some kind of twist involved. In which case, how are they going to explain away the body with the “Sarah” tattoo the episode shows us multiple times?

The wrap-up of the Babylon storyline is pretty quick, convenient, and dissatisfying. Bad Boss freely admits to being Babylon’s curator, despite the fact he has Gay Friend and Tommy on the ropes. “Yeah, my bad, trespassing police officer and backstabbing employee. Here, I’ll just shut down my mega lucrative darkweb playground and we’ll never speak of it again, k?” What?

Tessa’s brain tumor is too soap operatic to condone. Apparently she’s been doing the Single White Female act so she could attract Mr Stalker’s attention and he could kill her, because she’s too afraid to commit suicide. I’m sure getting acid poured on your face is a super relaxing way to die.

Bonus demerit points because there’s no ironic kill method for Tessa that highlights her flaw. He just cuts her throat. Boring.

Oh and a bike courier randomly runs into Aussie Guy early in the episode. This was merely an impetus for Lindy to later get her hands on his body so she could feel his bruise up, and then lead into sex. How convoluted. Do these characters not realise how attractive they are? You don’t need an excuse other than “We’re both hot, so let’s.”


But it’s not all bad:

Their sex is pretty hot, though. As you’d expect. The show shoves too many song product promotions into the scene, but damn if Aussie Guy isn’t ripped.

Before the reveal that he was Mr Stalker, I thought Aussie Guy’s proactivity in researching Hart Island with Lindy was commendable. He leverages contacts through his job to get access to the burial records. And when that turns out flat, he just straight-up suggests they go and illegally dig up the burial site. It’s nice to see someone around here who’s motivated.

The clue from Bad Boss that busts Aussie Guy’s alibi is a Babylon ad posted presumably by Mr Stalker, offering Horny Guy up as a kill contract. Which means someone else killed him, and Mr Stalker knew that he himself would get blamed. Aussie Guy was locked up at the time of the murder, which was his alibi. Smooth moves.

Sergeant also helps clear things up for the audience, at least, when she writes Aussie Guy’s name down for Black Cop after he asks who attacked her.

Sergeant puts up a good fight against Mr Stalker. With a frying pan. It’s a shame about the truck that runs her over when she escapes.

The reason Sergeant withheld the information about Sarah is because she unethically (and I think illegally) hogged police resources to find her kidnapped niece. So she couldn’t go shouting the Sarah info from the rooftops without simultaneously exposing her wrongdoing.

The niece believes Sarah stockpiled the painkillers that their abductor got his captives hooked on in order to commit suicide with them. Which was apparently successful. Smart.

Tessa’s dead. I haven’t got any complaints about that. I thought her divorce blues were stupid enough, but a random reveal of an inoperable brain tumor is far more ridiculous. Add that to her last minute martyrdom, and a slashed throat couldn’t have gone to a more deserving victim.

Oh, and Lindy totally initiates sex with a man with half a torso’s worth of unbearably painful bruising. She wants that dick, and she’s gonna goddamn get it, bitch.

Eye Candy FYEO Lindy Jake sex

“You’re lucky I’m a man, and therefore like sex.” -Aussie Guy

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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