Once Upon a Time Season 4 Episode 14 – TV Review
You know Snow and Charming have been up to naughtiness when even the Tree of Wisdom ain’t got time fo’ dat.
Just kidding. It’s actually their unborn child it’s rejecting.
Emma made sure to get a head start on being unwanted.
TL;DR Snow and David’s terrible secret is that they somehow prevented Maleficent from having a baby; Gold, Cruella, and Ursula manage to resurrect Maleficent in Storybrooke; Operation Mongoose makes some minor progress; Snow goes to Regina to formulate a plan to rid Storybrooke of the Villainess Triumvirate before her baby-murdering secret gets out.
I assume it’s baby murder. Because that would be awesome.
So Ursula and Cruella don’t waste much time in Storybrooke and get right to their plan to revive Maleficent. David, keen to protect the dark secret that he and Snow are holding onto, decides he’s going to stalk the shit out of them (that would have been more helpful last episode), and he thinks he figures out what they’re doing to bring Maleficent back. He and Snow unite to go destroy Maleficent’s ashes in the underground cave, but it turns out Cruella and Ursula’s machinations were all a ruse to get the Charmings down there so they could use their blood, the blood of those who have wronged Maleficent the most, to resurrect her. And so they do. Snow and David consider coming clean to Emma, but end up keeping up the lies. But not to Regina, who Snow desperately begs for help. Regina, meanwhile, has been trying to keep Operation Mongoose on the rails. She realises August altered the storybook at one point, so harasses Pinocchio (remember how Pinocchio is a regressed August?) and Geppetto for answers. That doesn’t work, but some nice apologies to Geppetto later earn her August’s satchel, which contains a minor clue about the Author. Meanwhile, Emma notices Hook is evasive about his past with Ursula. And in the Enchanted Forest flashbacks, the Villainess Triumvirate go to Snow and Charming for help in stopping Regina from casting The Curse. The Tree of Wisdom that they were going to ask for advice rejects them, which makes Maleficent realise Snow is pregnant, and the child of true love has the potential to be super good or super evil. Maleficent later comes to Snow alone and begs for her assistance to find some way to stop the curse, because she, too, is pregnant. Snow refuses, and in present day Storybrooke, Snow admits to Regina that she and David are responsible for whatever prevented Maleficent from having her child.
You know, if it’s not baby murder, I’d settle for some kind of magical abortion. Once Upon a Time would be edgy enough for that, right?
This little Snow/David secret is shaping up to be even juicier than I expected. I knew their past with the villainesses wouldn’t turn out to be an orgy (Once Upon a Time is certainly not that edgy), but I didn’t predict it would have something to do with them fucking up Maleficent’s pregnancy for the sake of their own.
That’s cold, bitch.
Why I hate this episode:
This revelation makes the purity of Snow’s heart prior to her killing of Cora a bit baffling, though. If she indeed fucked up Maleficent’s pregnancy for the sake of her own, I’d say that’s some pretty dark shit. There should have been a blemish on her pretty little heart somewhere for that.
I’m glad Snow told her secret to Regina, but before that, she and David massively chicken out of telling Emma. They spend the whole episode trying to conceal it, but once Maleficent is resurrected, they figure they have no choice but to tell Emma. Then they hear Emma’s cutesy speech to Hook about how she wants to trust people more and have faith that not everyone is lying to her all the time always, and they decide to continue lying. Weak.
To compound this nonsense, the now-resurrected Maleficent assures Snow and David that she’s not interested in making their secret public. She wants to cause them “pain,” instead. I would have to assume this means physical pain. Because I’m pretty sure outing them as baby murderers to all their friends and family would be pretty painful, no?
Speaking of not being forthcoming with secrets, Emma spends most of the episode prodding Hook about his unease towards Ursula. She finally guilts him into revealing he did something worse than break her heart. But just as she has Hook on the, well, hook, she backpedals and makes her “I need to be less of a distrusting tosspot” speech. Bitch, we were so close. What do you think this is? A 22 episode per season soap opera? I want to know now!
Gold spies on Belle, and sees her locking lips with Will. Will is trading way, way down from the Red Queen/Anastasia. I’m all for Aussie solidarity, but it’s the truth, Belle. You were dumb enough to marry Rumplestiltskin, for goodness sake. You can do better, Will.
Snow is worried that if Emma finds out about her and David’s secret that she’ll descend down a path of darkness. Because Emma apparently isn’t a grown woman who can make her own choices.
Snow swears Regina to secrecy. Oh, honey.
Oh, and fuck you, flashback Snow. You won’t join forces with one of the realm’s most powerful sorcerers to stop a curse from destroying every person in the land because you have principles? You were willing to hike out to the woods with a dragon, a sea witch, and a fur owner just a few hours ago, but now you’re oh so above it? Shut up and save your people. Gosh.
But it’s not all bad:
Baby murder, though. You can’t trump that. Well, maybe baby mass murder.
And given how despairingly desperate Snow and David are to keep the secret, you know Once Upon a Time isn’t going to pull the punch and make what they did into something mostly innocuous. They fucked up that baby, yo. Hell, the blood of the people who wronged Maleficent the most is what brought her back to life. If what they did to her was worse than the way Regina’s treated her post-curse, then holy shit.
Snow’s proposition to Regina is for her to pretend to be evil again so she can get in with the Villainess Triumvirate and tell her all the mean things they say. Then they’ll end up having a fight about a party Regina didn’t invite Snow to, and Snow will throw a prize-winning canvas at her from the sunroof of David’s car while saying “You’re a mean girl. You’re a bitch!” Can you imagine what a Storybrooke Burn Book would be like?
Cruella dominates the episode again and steals every scene she’s in. She gets best line of the episode during the flashback as the Villainess Triumvirate is trying to explain the situation with Queenie’s curse, and Charming isn’t quite getting it: “Oh. If only your wits matched your looks.” Present day Cruella later flirts with David when he pulls her over.
She also gets second best line when Granny gives her and Ursula poor service at the diner: “You know, if that old bag still wolfed out, I’d turn her into a coat for my collection.” I wonder if Cruella would let you see her vest made from real gorilla chest?
And when Regina insults her accessories as being “costume jewellery,” Cruella is quick to correct her that they’re blood diamonds, actually. Fur is murder, but diamonds are genocide.
The first scenes of the episode are Snow and David stressing about their secret. David drinks alone at 2:38 in the morning. I’ve never felt so close to him.
Flashback Maleficent dragon-forms and incinerates a trio of guards who block the gang from entering the Tree of Wisdom’s woods. Because she’s what? Professional.
Regina gets frustrated and rages at Pinocchio for not being able to remember altering the storybook. She gets an earful from Geppetto, and later apologises. They share a single parent bonding moment. Aww.
August’s bag yields an illustration page from the storybook depicting a doorway, with a note stuck on the edge reading “author?” Is it time for us to go realm-hopping again? Or did Once Upon a Time do away with that when they did away with Jefferson?
The decoy trinket that Ursula and Cruella steal from Gold’s shop turns out to be a baby’s rattle of Maleficent’s. If I had a heart, I would be tempted to find that heartbreaking.
Oh, and Belle may be a step down, but in her case, Will is a few very steep steps up. My respect to Robert Carlyle, but I can’t begrudge Belle getting some of that young, chav-lite dick.
Tags: august, author, baby, belle, charming, Cruella de Vil, david, dragon, emma, geppetto, gold, henry, hook, i just hate everything, ijusthateeverything, maleficent, Once Upon a Time, Operation Mongoose, ouat, pinocchio, pregnant, queenie, regina, snow, storybook, storybrooke, Tree of Wisdom, Unforgiven, ursula, Villainess Triumvirate, will
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