Pretty Little Liars Season 5 Episode 22 – TV Review
Our high school secrets and mysteries soap opera is now Orange Is The New Black.
Damn transgender lesbians ruining everything.
At least none of PLL’s are black. Phew.
TL;DR Hanna gets arrested as an accomplice in Mona’s murder; Alison considers but rejects a plea bargain; Spencer hooks up with another random dude; Aria and Ezra kind of break up; Emily does all the leg work.
Here are the plots. Don’t get too excited:
Hanna’s jaunt to the storage facility unravels everything, leading Roma to suspect she was Alison’s accomplice, and Hanna having to admit what’s going on to Ashley. Roma also acquires Mona’s death shirt with Hanna’s blood on it (thanks, A), and Hanna is arrested. Caleb encourages her to come clean to Roma about A, but A remote deletes all their phone correspondence. Uh oh.
Emily leaves these other bitches in her plot-relevant dust. She suggests talking to Mona’s lawyer, which Ezra helps her out with. It turns out he was paid by the elusive Varjak to merely pretend to be Mona’s lawyer. A bit of stalking leads Emily to maybe finding a phone number for Varjak.
Aria tags along on the mission and is awkward around Ezra. They eventually have a talk, and decide to break up (but they both want each other to still be in their lives blah blah blah).
Spencer stays on in London for another interview Veronica has set up, and bonds with Melissa. But then she finds out the second interview was a ruse to keep her away from Rosewood, because the DA was trying to make Alison take a plea deal wherein she would be forced to name an accomplice in Mona’s murder, and Veronica was worried it’d be Spencer. She also goes on a theatre date with the Roommate, and they kiss.
And Alison considers taking the plea deal, but when she sees Hanna has been arrested, she turns it down.
Isn’t it a bit late to try to be a good friend?
I was actually on board with most of this episode. Yeah, the Aria/Ezra stuff is the old, poisonous chestnut that will never leave. And Spencer needs to put her libido away for a few episodes or something. But otherwise, I wasn’t fussed.
Until the second last scene where we see Alison watching Hanna be led to her prison cell. Orange jumpsuit and all.
These girls are in fucking high school. God. Damn. This is ridiculous.
How the fuck are they going to squeeze two more seasons out of this?
Why I hate this episode:
That moment really illustrates just how far off the rails Pretty Little Liars has gone. Every other episode one of them is getting arrested for murder. Remember when things were easy, and all Hanna had to worry about was getting caught for shoplifting?
Ezra makes his glorious return to come stink things up again with his Aria relationship drama. I’d praise their conclusion this episode, but that little “We’ll figure out a way to still be each other’s bestie” shit gives me absolutely no hope that they’re done.
Similarly, Spencer’s two second fling with Roommate can fuck off. I hope that arbitrary turd of a subplot stays in London where it belongs. I would have advocated for Johnny staying around a bit longer if I’d known she’d just hop into another shallow, temporary romance with another shallow, temporary character.
The one thing Emily, Ezra, and Aria’s spy mission truly yields them is a pizza receipt that has the delivery name of Varjak on it, and a contact number. They mention how, in the absence of A’s correspondence, they could provide Varjak’s number to the cops in hopes that Varjak could lead them to A. But no, Emily ends her part of the episode by sitting down to dial the number. Bitch, as soon as Varjak knows you have it, that number is going to be useless. Which means it will be no good to the police for verifying your A story. Fuck.
For the hardass bitch queen that Alison has otherwise been presented as for the entire series, all it takes for her to want to go with the plea deal is a minor beating in the laundry room. I thought, if nothing else, that Alison had more strength of will than that.
Alison doesn’t know who Varjak is. Of course.
Roommate is basically Ezra 2.0.
It turns out the barrel from the storage unit was filled with acid and human remains, but they were too small and damaged to get a DNA sample. For fuck’s sake.
When Caleb suggests Hanna just tell Roma everything about A, Hanna initially doesn’t want to for fear of hanging the other Liars out to dry. Bitch, you’re facing charges for a murder you didn’t commit. She mentions Aria’s self-defence killing of Shana as a major reason to keep quiet. Bitch, Aria actually did kill Shana (in self-defence, let’s remember). You didn’t kill Mona. Do what you need to do.
Oh, and I saw the remote hack coming from a mile away. Caleb really should have been onto backing that correspondence up or something.
But it’s not all bad:
Caleb legitimately advocates for Hanna to come clean to Roma about everything. It’s what should have been done four seasons ago. And Hanna, after some protest, agrees. Amazing.
Caleb gets best line of the episode: “It’s time to put a stop to it.” You were so close.
Emily is the MVP of the episode. She’s the one who instigates the lawyer plan, and is the only one to make it through the gate at the house he drives to (Aria and Ezra were busy being awkward). Her stalking of the lawyer leads to her finding the pizza receipt with Varjak’s phone number, as well as witnessing the lawyer call someone (presumably Varjak) for a safe code so he can pick up some piles of cash and a gun before fleeing. Thanks, Emily.
And Talia doesn’t turn up at all. It’s a blessing. Is the pageant still on, though?
Alison eventually makes the right decision with her rejection of the plea deal. It would have been for fifteen years in a minimum security prison (with chance of parole after ten), which is pretty rough for a murder you didn’t commit. So good on her.
Aria and Ezra break up (I think?), and Aria is the one who makes it happen by telling Ezra she wants to go to college as a single lady. Can we stay this way forever, you two?
There are surveillance cameras at the Varjak house, so I expect Emily’s little snoop sesh will come back to bite her.
Oh, and would it be too much to hope that Hanna and Alison somehow become rival leaders of opposing prison gangs? Knowing how bonkers PLL is, we can’t say it’s impossible.