Pretty Little Liars Season 5 Episode 19 – TV Review

PLL Out, Damned Spot Mike torso abs

No wonder there’s so much paedophilia in Rosewood. All the twelve year-olds are shredded. Except Caleb.

Well, PLL is seriously pushing Mike as A/an A co-conspirator.

And we get more Johnny this episode.

Just what we wanted.

TL;DR Spencer realises Johnny is a tool, but likes him, anyway; Emily realises Cater Girl is a tool, but likes her, anyway; Mike dodges Aria’s enquiries; that Cyrus guy is back; Andrew (Hot Nerd) is back; Ashley mucks things up with Ted.

Which could clear the way for an all-out fling with Jason. It’s a winner.

But first, let’s see what the Liar ladies are up to:

Following on from Mike’s vague villainy last episode, Aria confronts him about helping Alison. He dodges her, but the gang ends up tailing him to a meet-up with Cyrus, supposedly arranged by Alison. The Liars think Cyrus is A, but don’t get any answers this episode. Aria is also still in the dog house with Ezra.

Emily gets in deeper with Cater Girl, but the brakes are slammed on spectacularly when she finds out Cater Girl is fucking married. Cater Girl later spins some BS about how her husband knows she’s gay and allows her to fuck girls or something, which is apparently enough to placate Emily. The lesbian talent in Rosewood is rubbish.

Spencer keeps up the flirting with Johnny. They have a romantic date painting a mural, but Spencer is horrified to later discover that said mural was actually unsolicited graffiti. Taking a cue from Emily, though, Spencer finds Johnny’s vandalism and constant trespassing into her house to be super cute, and still wants his D. She also reaches out to Melissa for help to get into Oxford.

And Hanna goes crying to her dad for college money, because he’s a big earner and none of the colleges that have accepted her will offer financial aid due to his income. Daddy is like “Soz, Kate’s a bigger priority. Also, much like the audience, I always thought you were too dumb to bother with college, so I ain’t put the dough away for you, honey.” Ashley also accepts Ted’s proposal, then immediately tells him about how she banged Jason, which seems to have led to Ted washing his hands of her.

Jason’s waiting, Ashley. Make the call.

The non-A stuff is actually what saves this episode. Yeah, Spencer and Emily’s romantic subplots are infuriating, but I’d rather feel fury than feel nothing at all.

Which is exactly what I feel from the ever-increasingly complicated A shit.

Who the fuck is Cyrus, again? Another one of Alison’s bottomless well of out-of-town minions?

Please, make like Shana and die.

 

Why I hate this episode:

The true barf moment of the episode comes when the Liars (sans Hanna. She’s busy with real life stuff) successfully track Mike down to the rendezvous with Cyrus, where they think he’s handing over cash, but A implies he’s handing over blood samples. I suspect neither Mike nor Cyrus is A, and A stole the blood samples all on their own, and they’re tricking the Liars into thinking that’s what Mike was giving Cyrus. Of course, this could all be cleared up in a couple of seconds if the Liars had simply barged in on the meeting and found out. Or they could have knocked Cyrus off his pissy little motorbike when he somehow cornered them in the car park. Or they could have not let him just drive away after Andrew threatened him with a baseball bat. Just fucking do something, you idiots. Yeah, Cyrus is a boy, and you’re fragile, hollow-boned little wilting doves. But there are three of you. Knock him off the fucking bike. A literally murders people now. Take a bloody risk.

The show also includes a slight menacing tone to Andrew’s reappearance and hero moment (the Liars hitched a ride with him to the rendezvous, but had sent him away to keep him from finding out what they were really there for). Because, you know, everyone just has to be an A suspect. Jesus Christ.

Hanna’s dad is a massive cunt. Actually, American college tuition fees are a massive cunt. But the characters already knew that. Like, is there really not a single thing he can do to help Hanna? How did he think she’d feel that Kate was getting a full ride to Dartmouth, and what he was putting aside for Hanna was less than 25% of that.

I love how Ezra’s advice to Hanna is to just get a job and be a strong, independent, black woman, like he did. I don’t think handing out flyers for a fast food restaurant is going to get you over the $45,000 a year hump she’s facing.

Johnny is a fucking home invader. I didn’t know he could casually enter the Hastings house whenever he wanted, and when only a teenage girl was at home. This is, of course, totally sexy to Spencer.

I pegged his “mural” as graffiti as soon as they started. Spencer should have been smart enough to figure that one out, but she was too busy thinking with her flaps. And those are flaps that should be thinking about Caleb.

So not only is Cater Girl an adult trying to squeeze between the legs of a teenager in high school, but now she’s also a massive liar, and a married woman. Which are, by episode’s end, all good with Emily. Fucking hell, Emily. Just buy a vibrator and wait for college. These Rosewood lesbians are awful.

Ashley is scorned by Ted’s churchgoers. I presume this is due to her deferring her response to the proposal. Which would mean Ted must have told them about it. Rude.

Andrew does not take his shirt off during his study sesh with Aria. What are you even here for, then?

Oh, and Spencer evidently isn’t hot shit enough to get into any decent schools in America. So why on Earth would she think she’d have a chance at Oxford? Oxford is pretty exclusive, right? I wouldn’t know. I am uncultured swine.

 

But it’s not all bad:

She emails Melissa about it, because Melissa has a contact there. I am not averse to having some more Melissa in this show. And whatever happened to Wren?

Hanna gets the most compelling plotlines this episode. Her confrontation with her dad is so humiliating. Besides the fact that he’s paying for Kate, Hanna is most insulted not because he won’t pay for her, but because he never even considered it. That’s pretty rough. Hanna’s been a haughty bitch for a while now, but I’ll allow her some sympathy this time.

Hanna also gets to be Ashley’s sounding board, and I do love me some Ashley. After the cold shoulder from Ted (he uses her “I’ll think about it” back on her to freeze her out), Hanna encourages her to still give a call to the man she loves. Ashley declines Hanna’s offer to use Hanna’s phone, and instead takes the home phone out of the room to make the call. The optimist in me (there’s one in there somewhere. I think) is going to assume that the secrecy was because she was calling Jason. For once, PLL, don’t disappoint me.

Up until her pathetic turnaround, Emily’s rage at Cater Girl’s marital status was encouraging. I don’t buy Cater Girl’s little tale of how her husband is her best friend and she can’t bear to leave him and he knows who she really is and wants her to be free blah blah, and expect it won’t be true. Imagine Emily’s reaction then, hey? It’ll be incendiary.

At least Spencer is doing something about going to college. I cheer that decision, if only to spite Johnny.

Toby is not in this episode. And he is not missed. Not even by Spencer.

Aria does the right thing and directly, point-blank demands Mike to talk to her about what he’s doing with Alison (this is after she intercepts a call from Alison to Mike’s phone). Mike, in all his pouty, teenage boy glory, shuts the door in her face. But kudos to Aria for finally just saying what she means.

After receiving the taunt from A about having their blood samples, the Liars worry that A will use it to plant their DNA on evidence and shit. Which is entirely justified, because the A stinger shows A eye-dropping Hanna’s blood onto Mona’s clothes from when she was murdered. Way to be on the money, girls.

Interestingly, Emily is the only one of the Liars whose blood A doesn’t have. Emily wasn’t allowed to give blood in the start of the episode at the blood drive, due to her trip to Haiti. It’s confirmed: Emily is A.

Andrew sort of tries to flirt with Aria. It is not reciprocated. He does make her uncomfortable by asking why Ezra doesn’t just help tutor. You know, because he’s a teacher. I lol’d.

Oh, and Hanna is preparing to enter a beauty pageant so she can snatch the $20,000 prize money for her college fees. I’m genuinely interested in this.

PLL Out, Damned Spot Hanna crying

Tears and daddy issues optional.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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