Glee Season 6 Episodes 1 and 2 – TV Review
Yes, after praising our seven Glee-free months, the hideous juggernaut is back to make its final, undignified march to conclusion.
Thank God. I’ve missed my whipping boy.
TL;DR Rachel’s TV show was a monumental failure, so she returns to McKinley to restart the glee club; Kurt dumped Blaine, but totally wants him back; Blaine flunked NYADA and is now the Warblers’ coach; Will is the Vocal Adrenaline coach; Sue resolves to stamp out the glee club.
Glee’s plot does the only smart thing its done for the past five seasons and actually pans out the way it was supposed to: Rachel’s TV show is literally the worst thing ever, and her dreams are dead. So she goes back to McKinley and becomes the director of New Directions, which is what you do when your dreams die (hi, Will). Sue, who had otherwise eradicated all arts programs from McKinley, is furious, and vows to destroy the fledgling club. Naturally. Rachel spends most of the episode meeting up with her pals. Sam is an assistant coach at McKinley, and their football team now has a gay superstar. Blaine got dumped by both Kurt and NYADA, and is now working as the Dalton Academy Warblers’ director. He’s also dating Karofsky (which Kurt is sore about). Kurt regrets dumping Blaine, and decides to join Rachel and the New Directions as part of some internship program NYADA requires.
And none of Glee Generation 2.0 (Marley, etc) are around. Because Sue got rid of them (except one, who you’ll see next episode).
God, what a time to be alive. Glee is very definitely finishing.
And everything in this show is just as awful as we’ve come to expect.
And I can’t tell you how grateful I am.
Why I hate this episode:
The only truly good thing about this episode is the revelation of Blaine and Kurt’s breakup. But even that is soured, in true Glee fashion, by Kurt’s lingering remorse over it. For fuck’s sake, Kurt. You can’t even break up with somebody without turning it into some soap opera about you and your goddamn feelings.
The breakup isn’t even any good. It comes out of fucking nowhere (Blaine had been spending the day leading up to it doing wedding preparations), because Kurt decides that living together isn’t working out. Probably because you never resolved your issues with that in the first place, idiots.
And now Blaine is shacked up with Karofsky, which made me want to vomit as much as it made Kurt. It’s pathetically contrived. But hey, this is Glee.
Rachel’s show is thankfully abominable, but everyone acts like it was such a big surprise. I get that it was a live sitcom (without singing), but Rachel makes out like she never knew anything would ever go wrong with it. What about scripting? Rehearsals? Surely there was a point in time where someone, somewhere would have realised that a live-to-air sitcom with Carrot Top and Shanna “my black accent isn’t real, and only I’m allowed to say McNiglets” Malcolm was not going to play well. Ridiculous.
The songs are uniformly terrible, as we’ve come to expect. We start out with a melodramatic rendition of Alanis Morissette’s Uninvited from a weepy Rachel as she whinges about her show being cancelled.
Then she and Blaine bizarrely belt out Suddenly Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors. Which is a full frontal assault to the glory that is Ellen Greene. And has no relevance to what’s happening at the time.
The Warblers do a song. I won’t bother mentioning which one, because it’s textbook Warblers obnoxiousness.
And Rachel closes out the episode by doing the most predictable song imaginable as a testament to her newfound purpose and solitude: Frozen’s Let It Go. Because Rachel will eternally be the diet version of Idina Menzel. Hell, couldn’t they have gotten Shelby in to do it?
Worst line of the episode goes to Rachel when she’s talking about her Broadway dream: “I had it once, but then I lost it.” Um, no, cunt. You didn’t lose it. You tossed it, and your career, away to make the worst television show in history. Don’t give me that crap. You did this.
The TV executive explains to Rachel that every minority group imaginable was offended by the content of the TV show. I assume this is a slap at Glee’s overly sensitive critics. In which case, I thank Glee for their acknowledgement. We do try hard to be heard.
Chris Colfer gets alphabetical top billing. Ew.
We get to see Will’s baby, but we don’t get to see Emma. Rude.
Oh, and Kurt was the only one to show up to the big friendship rendezvous in New York that the gang promised each other last season. What a fucking surprise.
But it’s not all bad:
Kurt and Blaine broke up, and Rachel’s TV dreams ruined her forever. So things are looking up.
When Blaine told Rachel (because she had been in seclusion for months following her TV show disaster) that he and Kurt had broken up, my face actually lit up and my heart fluttered. It nourishes me.
I was also nourished by Kurt’s bathroom breakdown after finding out Blaine is dating Karofsky (after having mentioned his intentions to win Blaine back). Suffer.
Rachel’s parents are getting divorced, and they’re selling the house. Let that anguish fly.
The gay footballer is a stereotypical jock jerk, which is refreshing.
NYADA dumped Blaine because his post-breakup depression caused his grades to slip. It’s a win-win.
Sue is her standard self as the ruling tyrant of McKinley. I particularly appreciate her fat-shaming approach to getting students to lose weight.
She rightfully admonishes Rachel and Kurt for being tragic enough to retreat back to high school now that their lives are in shambles.
And while I don’t believe her promise to kill the new glee club harder than she ever went after Will’s glee club, I’ll take it at face value for now.
Part of Kurt’s reason for breaking up with Blaine is that they were too young to get married. Thank you.
Will is shunned by his Vocal Adrenaline students. I lol’d.
Oh, and Rachel, Will, and Blaine are all competing coaches, now. We’ll see how that pans out next episode.
TL;DR Most of the original glee club converges on McKinley to drum up recruits for the New Directions, with uninspiring results; Blaine deals with a girl from Dalton who wants to become a Warbler; the inter-coach peace is violated when she defects to McKinley; the new recruits are all misfit types.
Because if Glee is going to re-run a glee club membership drive for the third time, then it’s definitely not going to be any different. Again.
The major focus this episode is the efforts of all the oldie Gleeks to inspire new recruits for the New Directions. Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Artie, Mercedes, Tina, Puck, and Sam (who is at McKinley, anyway. But whatever) join forces with Rachel and Kurt and intermittently sings songs to win over the students. They only end up with four: Jane, the Warbler defector; Roderick, a fat loner; and a set of twins from the Cheerios who we learn aren’t well-liked when Kitty (the only remaining Generation 2.0 member, and captain of the Cheerios) insults them. Meanwhile, Jane had been trying to unnecessarily break barriers over at Dalton. Her parents sued her way into her being at the all-male school in the first place, and then she wants to be part of the all-male Warblers, too (they apparently have some constitution that forbids this). Blaine, being a Glee character and therefore an endlessly bleeding heart, tries to sway the Warblers, but they poo-poo her. So she swings over to McKinley, which sets Blaine on the warpath against Rachel and Kurt.
Because that’s how human reactions work, right?
Unlike last episode, this one actually has a couple of good songs.
But like last episode, this episode is still part of a TV show called Glee.
Which, if you haven’t been following my tone, is bad news.
Why I hate this episode:
Jane. First, she uses her rich-ass daddy to sue her way into an all-male school. This is because the school she was at previously wasn’t very good, and daddy wanted her to be in a better school. You’d have to assume that Dalton was the only acceptable school around, then, right? Wrong. Jane later blithely transfers to McKinley, and makes some remark about how it’s basically on par academically with Dalton. Then why kick up the fucking stink in the first place and dismantle over a century of tradition?
But that was Jane’s dad’s fault, so we can’t really blame her for that. What we can blame her for is being a condescending, entitled shitcunt. After initially being rather wide-eyed and perky about wanting to be part of the Warblers, she is positively outraged to discover that the club is going to make her, gasp, audition for a place. Oh, the indignity.
Not ones to let a black chick hog all the douchebaggery, the Warblers themselves give Jane a pretty rough turn. She totally nails the crap out of her audition (she’s quite good, you know), including having all the Warblers, including the head Warbler, shaking her hand and dancing along. And then they vote to deny her, anyway. Rude.
Not one to let a group of children hog all the douchebaggery, Blaine then tells Jane that he don’t give a fuck about the Warbler democractic process that he was supportive of up until five minutes ago, and that he’s going to threaten to quit his job if they don’t let her in. Dalton really isn’t having a good run.
Why is Jane in a skirt for her Dalton uniform? Dalton would have no need to ever produce a skirt to sell to students for uniforms. Why couldn’t she just wear some pants like everyone else?
I admire the visuals of the oldies’ rendtion of Take On Me, but the vocal performance is unimpressive. Not like that should be a surprise by now.
Oh, and where is Bree? Sue shipped out all of the Generation 2.0 glee club members, but for some reason she kept Kitty around to replace Bree? Weird.
But it’s not all bad:
Quinn, Santana, and Brittany put the Unholy Trinity back together for a relatively spectacular performance of Ariana Grande’s Problem with the Cheerios. After a dearth of worthwhile songs in the first episode, I can very much accept this.
Jane’s audition song is also pretty jazzy. And Roderick, the fat new guy on the New Directions, doesn’t do too badly with Mustang Sally, either.
Having the old glee club members back around is predictable, but it’s nice to see the OG crew together again. Quinn’s new hair is the highlight.
Gay Footballer continues to defy stereotypes. Kurt is chosen as the one old glee club member to go try to convince him to join the New Directions. Gay Footballer is incensed by the assumption that because they’re both gay that they’d find common ground. He asserts that he refuses to be have his identity be solely defined by his sexuality. Which Kurt, the queen of gay martyrdom, simply cannot comprehend. It’s divine.
Sue later tries to recruit Gay Footballer to be a mole in the glee club. She tries to bribe him with a Fleshlight in the mould of Tom Brady, which he declines. She then offers to have Bieste make him the starting quarterback (which years of American films and TV have taught me is a big deal?), but he again declines, claiming that he refuses to be bought. I could complain about how he missed an opportunity to be a sneaky, backstabbing bitch. But remember, he’s defying gay stereotypes. So I’ll allow it.
Sadly, he later shows off a smidgen of singing ability, so it’s only a matter of time before he is indoctrinated into the New Directions fold. But I’ll enjoy his jerkiness for now.
Best line of the episode goes to Roderick, who is lamenting how widely ridiculed he is by the McKinley populace: “Even the principal calls me ‘White Precious.'” Oh, Sue.
The Incest twins (Kitty’s words) could turn out to be awesome if they are, in fact, incestuous. Though, I’m not sure if Glee is that edgy. Mainly because the male twin is a total flamer.
Oh, and if Annie’s here, when can we expect Cameron Diaz to show up? Because I’d be okay with that.