Once Upon a Time Season 4 Episode 12 – TV Review
Oh, well. If it means Marian’s going to fuck off, I’m in.
Bitch can’t handle her ice curses.
TL;DR The Arendelle crew finally go home; Robin and his family leave Storybrooke to save Marian’s life; Belle exiles Gold from Storybrooke after finding out he’s totes evil; Emma gets in on Operation Mongoose (as does an exiled Gold, kinda); flashbacks reveal Rumple’s dealings with three vicious villains.
He’s always had a thing for evil women.
So Storybrooke is now free of the Snow Queen, but even after Elsa removes the ice wall, our heroes discover that part of the spell remains: anyone who leaves Storybrooke cannot re-enter. Gold, anxious to get Anna out of town before she recognises him, finds the Arendelle crew a portal home inside the abandoned mansion, which we also learn belongs to the Sorcerer (you know, the owner of the hat). Emma and the gang send them on their way, but Anna does twig about Gold’s identity as Rumple. Emma tries to put a stop to Gold, who is in the process of activating the hat and killing Hook, but it’s Belle who steps up to the plate. She uses the real Dark One’s dagger to stop him, and then commands him to pass outside the town line, stripping him of his magic and barring him from re-entry. It’s tearful. Meanwhile, Marian thaws out, and surprises Regina with an offer to let her and Robin be together. But this is Regina’s happiness we’re talking about, so about two minutes later Marian suddenly becomes stricken with the ice curse again, and the only way to save her is to send her out of town to dispel the magic. Robin and their son go with her so they can live together, and Regina is again left alone. Her faith in finding her happy ending is soured until Henry reveals he’s found a hidden room in the abandoned mansion which is filled with blank versions of the fairy tale storybook. Emma tags along and offers to help them find the author. And in Enchanted Forest flashback, Belle is kidnapped from Rumple’s castle by Maleficent, Ursula, and Cruella de Vil. They exchange her freedom for some magic gauntlet that locates someone’s weakness (the thing they love the most), but Rumple ends up double-crossing them, anyway, and insisting villains don’t get no happy endings, honey.
Then exiled Gold teams up with Ursula in New York to go after the author. For some happy endings.
Well, it only took twelve bloody episodes, but we’re finally done with the Arendelle crew. Elsa, Anna, and Kristoff return home, thwart Hans, and get Anna off to her wedding.
Unless you’re gonna come back to Storybrooke with a song, I don’t want to see any of you ever again.
Eh, maybe Sven.
Why I hate this episode:
Yet another arbitrary reason for Regina to be robbed of happiness. “Oh, the Snow Queen is dead and all that, but Marian just happens to be coming down with the ice curse that she’d already recovered from. Woopsie daisy. Better ship off Regina’s love interest to save Marian’s frosty ass.” Give Regina a fucking break, already.
And after Marian had been sensible enough to give Regina her blessing for her relationship with Robin. What a goddamn rug-pull.
The flashbacks are another Belle tale. I already said I didn’t want any more of these six episodes ago. It’s like nobody’s even listening to me.
Present day Belle is surprised that Gold’s most beloved thing is his power, not her. Bitch, you married this man. You should know this about him, already. I suspect she was probably just living in denial, which is no better.
Oh, and now that the hat is no longer relevant, we have this suddenly-omnipotent magical gauntlet to scramble over. It’s from Camelot, so I suppose we can look forward to seeing someone from there in the second half of the season. I’m getting a bit of MacGuffin fatigue.
But it’s not all bad:
Regina may have thrown away her happiness, but, as Emma commends, Regina is heroically selfless.
And the fact that even Marian acknowledges that Robin loves Regina is enough to sustain me. And I’ll even give Marian some points for offering to step aside. She tried.
The true upheaval of the episode comes from Belle, of all people. She’s kind of brutally merciless when it comes to exiling Gold from Storybrooke. She cries and despairs, but the girl has the gumption to make the hard decision of sending her husband out into magic-less oblivion. Way to go, baby.
Hook has got his heart back (Belle stops Gold from crushing it), so we can put all that slave muck behind us. And I don’t half mind watching him and Emma pash. They’re a good looking couple.
Henry finally delivers on the Operation Mongoose front when he finds the hidden library in the Sorcerer’s mansion. With Emma now on the team, and Gold also in pursuit of the author, we might get some momentum on this plot.
Before Regina sends Robin and his family over the border, Gold has a private chat with her. He advises her to do what is necessary for her own happiness, and keep Robin. His concern for her happiness is welcomely genuine. He and Regina did used to be friends, you know. It was nice.
Our new villain triumvirate are a fashionable bunch. Cruella de Vil is, literally, fashion; Ursula might not be as draggy as Queenie’s impression of her, but she’s lovely nonetheless; and Maleficent is back, bitches. I can’t actually remember what happened to her last time we saw her (which I think was here?), but I’m eagerly anticipating what nasty shit she and her teammates will get up to.
Gold tracks down present day Ursula working at an aquarium in New York. He recruits her to help find the author, and I think he intends to reassemble the villain triumvirate. If present day Cruella isn’t an Anna Wintour facsimilie, I’ll be disappointed.
Best line of the episode goes to Rumple when Cruella reveals herself at the hostage handover: “Cruella! I thought I caught a whiff of desperation and gin.” Bitch has been stealing my cologne.
Oh, and Cruella’s actress is Victoria Smurfit, who I’m glad to see survived the unfair cancellation of NBC’s Dracula. Let’s hope she’s not mistreated again, here.
Tags: abandoned mansion, anna, Arendelle, author, belle, Cruella de Vil, dalmation, Elsa, emma, gold, Heroes and Villains, hook, i just hate everything, ijusthateeverything, Kristoff, maleficent, Marian, Once Upon a Time, ouat, regina, robin, rumple, Sorcerer, ursula, Victoria Smurfit
About ijusthateeverythingSincerity is death.
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