The Vampire Diaries Season 6 Episode 9 – TV Review

TVD Enzo kills Sarah Monique I Alone

Literally nobody would be.

And he does.

I didn’t know it was possible for Enzo to be more attractive, but killing off subpar minor characters is the true way to my heart, it appears.

Thank you, baby.

TL;DR Sarah isn’t actually Sarah and Enzo kills her; Kai escapes ghost world and goes after Liv; Damon and Elena mount an unsuccessful mission to rescue Bonnie from ghost world; Caroline is away on vacation this episode.

I thought things felt a bit not-blonde-enough.

So, Elena being Elena, the major plotline this episode is Damon and Elena’s jaunt into ghost world to rescue a now-alone Bonnie. Alaric, under Damon’s compulsion, procures the Ascendant, and Liv stupidly agrees to leave the relative safety of Mystic Falls to do the spell necessary to get them in. Once in, they page Bonnie, who is driving back from Portland to Mystic Falls to meet them. Naturally, she doesn’t make it in time, because Liv terminates the spell early once Kai, loose in the real world, attacks her. Tyler is around to help fend him off, but Kai is a resourceful little psychopath, and ends the episode with the upper hand on our least favourite little werewolf. Meanwhile, Matt helps Stefan reunite with Sarah, his supposed long lost relative. Enzo finds the whole situation a bit disappointing. Mainly because he hates Stefan, and anything to do with Stefan. But things turn out okay when it’s revealed that Sarah is actually a con artist named Monique, who stole Sarah’s identity (and Stefan in fact knows all about the real Sarah). Stefan, though pissed off, tries to compel her on her way, but Enzo shows up and kills her to prove a point about Stefan causing death to the people around him or something. Matt doesn’t appreciate it, in any case. And Alaric is snippy at Damon when he finds out he compelled him.

As you would be.

So yeah, Caroline’s absence is heartbreaking to the highest degree. But we’ve still got Enzo around to be a suave, reckless cunt.

He’s like Damon before all the loving Elena bullshit.

A better time.


Why I hate this episode:

Elena, as you should have guessed, is the worst thing about this episode. She has a massive whinge at Damon about how the Bonnie rescue mission is only about him trying to impress Elena. She has her head mercifully deflated when Damon shuts her the fuck up by telling her that in fact no, not everything is about Elena. But God, watching Elena behave so bloody self-importantly is utter torture.

Plotwise, Damon and Elena’s decision to simply wait in Mystic Falls for Bonnie to turn up is monumentally pathetic. They do their calculations, and Bonnie should be able to arrive there in the time limit Liv originally sets them. But you know what would have been a billion times more sensible? Meeting Bonnie fucking halfway, you idiots. Jesus Christ. They fail to rescue Bonnie because Liv pulls them out, a mere hour or so before Bonnie would have turned up. But if they’d driven to meet Bonnie, they would have saved her with hours to spare. Goddamn.

And it’s not like they could have been all “but what if we passed each other and didn’t meet up properly.” Elena actually mentions that Bonnie would be driving past Whitmore on her way to Mystic Falls. Why not meet up at Whitmore? You all know how to get there just fine. Fucking hell. I’m not one to give Bonnie any breaks, but Elena and Damon’s defiant laziness is the only thing that prevented her rescue.

Monique’s motivation is retarded. She just wanted to have a family or something, so she decided to con her way into a spiralling conspiracy of vampire hell just to get it. Any sensible con artist would have bailed the fuck out of the plan at the first sign of supernatural intrigue.

I’m also worried that Monique will be coming back as a vampire, like Ivy did. I don’t think they would have bothered giving her so much build up, just to have Enzo snap her neck two seconds after her secret was revealed. That, or the real Sarah will get up in this business. And didn’t we already do that with Charlie/Ivy/Lola on Gossip Girl?

It’s mentioned that Luke has some kind of sugar daddy boyfriend, but, naturally, we don’t get to see any of that. Come on, TVD. You need to catch up to The Originals at some point.

Matt resolves to kill Enzo. Oh, shut up.

Likewise, Enzo’s whole obsession with Stefan’s undeserved hero status is petty garbage. I’m pleased that it resulted in the snapping of Monique’s neck, but shut up.

Oh, and just to really flap his gums unnecessarily, Matt also turns on Stefan and is all “rah rah vampires just bring pain and death wherever they go and I’m mad about that now finally after six seasons.” No. Shoosh. And he recruits Jeremy to help kill Enzo. No, thank you.


But it’s not all bad:

Jeremy pulls himself out of his depression rut and comes to terms with Bonnie’s death. And then Elena is like “Damon lied, we’re gonna go save her.” And then Elena is later like “we failed soz lol.” Jeremy is cute when he’s emotionally anguished.

Enzo is the unexpected saviour of the episode. From his pissy, arbitrary crashing of the Sarah/Stefan reunion. To his murder of Monique. To his bickering with Matt. It’s like he’s living all my bitchy fantasies. Bitch on, Enzo. Bitch on.

Damon’s smackdown of Elena over his supposed selfishness earns him the second best line of the episode: “I’m doing this for Bonnie, Elena. Not for you.” I don’t imagine Elena’s brain can comprehend it, but it’s a start.

Best line of the episode goes to Liv, who is brushing off Tyler’s protestations about leaving the Mystic Falls anti-magic zone, because he’s worried about her getting forced to do the Gemini coven ritual: “If I survive, you’ll be dating the all-powerful leader of the Gemini coven. And if I don’t, you can date Luke.” Yes. Please.

I wish Kai wasn’t Luke’s brother. Because they’d make a fabulous couple.

Kai is deliciously evil at all times. He starts off the episode by lamenting the impracticality of skinny jeans, and then murdering his cab driver because he hasn’t got the money to pay him.

He is also a proponent of gin. Which I support.

Alaric’s betrayal over Damon’s compulsion is genuine.

Kai ends the episode by attacking Tyler and offering him a deal. Tyler is historically quite the pussy, so I expect he’ll accept it. I presume it’ll be something along the lines of “help me merge with Jo, and I won’t kill Liv.”

Monique is now the second TVD-verse Monique who is a contemptible scumsucker. She joins the prestigious ranks of The Originals’ Monique. Hate be to the both of you, darlings.

Damon brings the blood of Lucy Bennett for Liv to use in activating the Ascendant. Good callback.

Oh, and Bonnie absolutely breaks down when she realises she’s all alone in ghost world. I’m considering making it my iPhone lock screen.

TVD Bonnie crying I Alone

I don’t know, B. Maybe try saving yourself? Not that I’m encouraging it.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

3 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 6 Episode 9 – TV Review”

  1. Lydia says :

    Enzo is everything Damon used to be. But since the writers turned him into a wuss, I guess they realized they needed a new male character for people to actually like.

    I swear to fucking god, if MATT kills Enzo… Oh wait, I already quit watching, so there’s really nothing else I can threaten to do.

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