Mis-four-tune: The Bachelor Australia 2014 – Blog

Lisa is clearly the winner.

Yes, the final four are all terrible.

Don’t act like you didn’t know that already.

I’ve been far less invested in this year’s BachAU than last year’s. Mainly due to Blake being the butterface of the milennium.

But also mainly due to every decent contestant getting knocked off so early.

The only one to make it anywhere near far enough to make watching worthwhile was God on Earth herself, Laurina. And even she’s gone. I suppose being interested in anything other than fawning over Mr Paper Bagger is considered too selfish to be wife material. Hmm.

At least we can thank the lord (and by that, I mean Laurina. She’s God, remember?) that Chantal and Amber were so unceremoniously dumped. It’s the only justice we can have with this top four.

And so without further ado, here they are:

Sam

Oh, Sam. Only behind Chantal in my early hatred stakes, because she had that ridiculous go at Laurina. Sam’s mellowed out as the weeks have gone by, but that doesn’t discount the fact that she is the thirstiest left in the bunch. Yes, as is required of Bachelor contestants. they all prattle on about how much they really desire to find love (except Laurina. Who really just wanted some diamonds and a Ferrari ride). But Sam really feels like she needs this. She’s got that glint of Ali desperation.

She also says “dude” to much.

Jessica

Speaking of seeming like Ali, Jessica totally seems like Ali. Thankfully, where Ali was legitimately insane and terrifying for her devotion, Jessica just pretends to be devoted. Her constant look of wonderment makes me gag. You’re 24 years old, bitch. The world shouldn’t be that exciting to you. And you’re (apparently, anyway) an accounting student. Don’t act like you aren’t dead inside.

Even worse is when she switches into sultry eye mode, which is just upsetting. It’s creepy and overly intense. Which only makes Blake’s reciprocated sultry eye mode even more stomach-churning. No amount of bedroom eyes will compensate for that pinhole of a mouth, B.

Lisa

Lisa looks and sounds like she’s already a 37 year old woman. There’s nothing fresh or inspiring about her. She’s completely average, rivalling only Kara in the “wait, who is she, again?” ranks. Lisa’s greatest achievement is having inexplicably survived to the final four, despite being blander than a Big Brother housemate. Also, she’s way too mundane to win. Both in looks, and in personality.

Lisa strikes me as too much of an ordinary human being. Which is a compliment in real life, but a hindrance in a reality TV dating show. Sorry, babe.

Louise

Unless Blake decides to reward Sam’s neediness, I think we might be looking at our winner in Louise. You’d think Jessica would be more likely to win, given that they’ve all but had sex (that hot tub was gross). But as we saw last year with Rochelle and Ali, the steamy, sexy ones won’t get anywhere. Louise  is cute (I’ve gotten over the doll face thing. Losing the red lipstick helped), fun (but not too fun), down to earth (but not boring. Sorry again, Lisa), and she’s essentially declared that she will shackle herself to the stove to please her man.

She’s perfect long-term girlfriend material.

Oh, and one thing I never understood: why did everyone call Katrina “Zoe” for the last few weeks? Idiots.

“Who am I?”