Bland Power: Helping You BB Better (but actually worse) – Blog

Big Brother Australia 2014 Sonia Kruger dancers

I’m sure the thought is keeping Sonia warm at night, too.

There are 4 new housemates, which means it’s time to judge 4 new strangers.

Thank God for the Internet, right?

And thank God Priya managed to convince Katie to take the money. I don’t think I could have lived in a world where someone could turn down $10,000 just to let a bunch of fellow narcissists have access to peanut butter on apple slices (also, what the fuck was up with that?).

Whatever, here’s your scheduled rudeness (and if you missed last night’s, what’s wrong with you? Here it is):

 

Flex and the Kitty: Sam 26 and Cat 31

Sam is a gold medal winning paralympian, and a bit of a hottie. Obv. He describes himself as a prankster, much like Jake. And much like Jake, I suspect this is all bravado and fluff. Don’t get too excited. Sam also didn’t get to choose Cat, btw. It was predetermined by Big Brother.

Cat is a SATC wannabe Melbournite, so I’m already keen to close the book on her and move on. She’s a midwife, so she might get along with nurse Gemma. But she’s over 30 and seems temperate in her personality, so what a waste.

Give us more insecure, babbling messes like Skye.

 

Fake As Fuck: Aisha 22 and Lawson 23

Aisha is nearly as clich├ęd and pathetic as Skye and Travis. She’s one of those “I’m not like other girls” girls; she prefers hanging out with boys to avoid drama; self-describes as a part time mean girl; and works as a door bitch, just to really ram home how rambunctious and totes not feminine she is. She’s just like one of the boys, bro! Maybe she can go bro-out with Team Broverkill.

Lawson is an actor who is able to do some magic tricks, but Big Brother would prefer you think of him as a magician extraordinaire. In any case, he’s miles behind every other guy in the house (except Jason. Well, at the right angles, maybe not) in the hotness stakes. I’m already mentally blocking him out.

If Lawson could pick up a little bit of Aisha’s haughtiness, then maybe he’ll stand a chance of not becoming moving furniture.

 

And before I go for tonight, I’ve decided I will run through some outlandish predictions for each of the housemates. I got 6 out of 16 correct last year. Here’s to maybe 7 this time? We’ll see:

Priya: Hello, Miss First Evictee (barring any ridiculous twist shit, in which case I will disown this prediction)

Katie: Katie’s forgettable and malleable. She will have no memorable interactions with anyone, and will be evicted out of pragmatism and apathy.

Jake: Will be asked at least once whether he’s not entirely straight. I’d ask him myself (because I honestly don’t know), but I can’t get in.

Gemma: Easily in the first three evictees. Lock it in. If she can’t even go one day without offending Skye, what chance does she have?

David: Will hook up with Sandra.

Sandra: Will hook up with David.

Dion: Will turn out to betray his caustic opening statements and actually be a decent human being. I hope. Then I won’t have to feel bad about ogling him.

Jason: He’s a confident, loud gay man, but he isn’t a bitch. What’s the point, then? Will throw a tantrum over food (likely tomorrow night).

Skye: Will be punished for a rule infringement with the confiscation of beauty products and/or clothes.

Lisa: She’s gonna get sick of babying Skye in about 5 minutes. So I predict she will have at least one extended bitch session about her to someone.

Travis: Who cares? By which I mean he will follow the same path as Katie: have absolutely no impact, and be evicted without fanfare.

Ryan: Will pash Skye at least once. And probably won’t even have to use his woman whispering skills, either. She’s cute, he’s cute. Not a hard sell.

Sam: Unless the Neo FNL games include swimming challenges (or they’ve scrapped them altogether? I don’t know), he will be a disappointment at them.

Cat: Will betray all signs of blandness and become one of the central figures in the house.

Aisha: She’ll turn out to be much meeker than her intro promised, and despite her claims of being one of the boys, will hook up with one of the boys.

Lawson: He’s not bro enough to fit in with the boys, and not a gay pity case like Ben From Brisbane, so he won’t fit in with the girls. So I’ll predict that Aisha will bemoan being saddled to him. I would.

 

Also, Jason is a total Rohan.

Big Brother Australia 2014 dancers

I didn’t say stop.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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