They’ve Got The (tiny bit of) Power: Big Brother Australia 2014 Launch – Blog

Big Brother Australia 2014 Launch

Dunno yet.

Another year, another mostly tolerable Big Brother launch night.

Channel 9’s reality shows may not be soaring, interesting, or creative. But they are regular.

Which is more than we can say for The Mole. Poor The Mole.

Before we get started on my traditional contestant teardown, here are a few quick thoughts:

  • The new house looks like the set of an 80s soap opera (think Soapdish, darling).
  • Sonia is still here. Where are you, Gretel?
  • The 2 “Power Plays” this episode were pretty underwhelming. Also, who wouldn’t choose $10,000?
  • Everything is indicating this will be a gimmick season.
  • And yet again, not all the housemates are going in on opening night. Get your scheduling together, BB.

Anyway, onto judging people I don’t know:


Team Princess: Priya 27 and Katie 25

The first 2 into the house, and the first Heads of House, so they get the Power Plays so far. Priya is a stock standard prissy princess, except she has a vaguely South African accent, while being actually Indian. Her intro video had all the hallmarks of The Bitch, but unsurprisingly, it looks like she’s just kind of plain. She chose Katie over Jake as her partner.

Katie is a wannabe Tahan, but not as hot and not as young. Katie’s biggest claim in her intro video was that she’s recently dieted the hell out of herself and lost 13kgs. But I’m beginning to doubt that, because Power Play number two required Priya and Katie to decide whether or not they wanted to get $10,000 each in exchange for the house subsisting on diet shakes for a week. Priya, the selfishly pragmatic one, was all for it. But Katie was all “wah wah me want food” and is postponing the decision.

Having a diet that is entirely controlled and no snacks at all sounds like perfection. The $10,000 is icing on the goddamn cake. Who the hell wouldn’t?


Jake and the Beanstalk: Jake 25 and Gemma 29

I stole that Jack and the Beanstalk joke from a friend of mine, fyi. I’m not that clever. Jake is an annoyingly hyperactive “jokester,” which is really all just code for his crippling insecurity and constant need for validation. My gaydar is about as bad as Skye’s is, though, so I’m not sure if he’s gay, either. He chose Gemma over David as his partner.

Gemma is Miss Six Foot Six. Her personality is entirely dependent on her height, as she’s otherwise just a forgettable nurse. While I sympathise with her on the height thing, the fact that she took her 2 inch heels off upon immediately entering the house (there wasn’t even anyone else there yet, becaue Priya and Katie were in the power room) is kind of a dealbreaker.

If it’s any consolation, Gemma seems like the least fake person so far.


Old ‘n Dull: David 31 and Sandra 30

Like Gemma, David bases his entire personality around a physical feature: his beard. Yes, he’s one of those. Moving on. He chose Sandra over Dion as his partner because Sandra emits the same kind of thirsting loneliness as David does.

Sandra lives with her parents and is a retail manager. Stop stealing my life, girl. Everything about her screams “The Bachelor contestant,” so I don’t know what she’s doing here.

She and David are already getting touchy-feely, so there might be a hook-up in the works. Not that anyone cares.


Chauvanism and Cheese: Dion 24 and Jason 26

David is lucky he passed up Dion, because Dion is totes foul. He describes himself as “chivalrous,” but we soon found out that meant “I don’t want women to have agency or do anything I don’t agree with.” He’s a card-carrying atheist just for good d-bag measure, and it’s obvious he only chose Jason (who Dion is clearly uncomfortable with) because he would have imploded had he been forced to spend time with the skankalicious Skye. Loose women are his Kryptonite. Dion is also proudly straight edge, so he can fuck off. But he’s hot, tho.

Jason is rather inoffensive so far. He’s totally flamboyant, which is a nice change from the sleep-inducing, saccharine mess that was Ben From Brisbane. I’ll support him for now, purely because I think he’ll grate on Dion.

For what it’s worth, Dion appeared to be unusually handsy with Jason when they entered. I take that as him straining to not appear as homophobic as he is sexist. But would it be too much to ask for a little latent attraction?


Blonde and Not-Quite-As-Blonde: Skye 20 and Lisa 29

Skye is the quintessential Gold Coast party girl. She comes from the Jenna Marbles makeup school of more is never enough, which unluckily makes her appear to be the same age as Lisa when they stand next to each other. Skye is proudly disinterested in anything that doesn’t help her conform to her stereotype. She chose Lisa because Travis’ packet showed him to be averse to women who cry too much. So we can expect Skye to cry too much.

Lisa is another of the over 25 white breads. She acts like she’s a shallow shopaholic and Instagram whore, but now that she’s partnered with Skye, she’s gonna need to find a new schtick. Because Skye’s bimbo-ality will crush yours, Lisa. Figure something out.

Lisa also needs to realise that 29 is a good time to start wearing a bra.


Broverkill (like bro overkill? You get it): Travis 24 and Ryan 26

Travis used the term “Italion Stallion” to describe himself, which means he’s almost as creative and original as Skye. He absolutely oozes Beta Male. Which makes his forced pairing with Ryan unfortunate (there was nobody left to choose from), because Travis is already shrinking from Ryan’s masculinity. He’ll shit himself when he sees Dion without a shirt on.

Ryan doesn’t want you to call him a woman whisperer, but he secretly thinks he is. He’s vain, Gen Y scum. Apart from being very forward in bro-ing out with Travis, there’s nothing else to make note of here.

Would it be too much to hope they drunkenly touch butts or something?


So all in all, a fairly level start to the season. I suspect the gimmick quota will skyrocket shortly.

I have no early favourites this year. And I’ll withhold any predictions until tomorrow.


I don’t know.

Does anyone even watch Big Brother anymore?

Big Brother Noah's ark

So Channel 9 is saying the housemates are animals?
Yeah, right. Like post-Channel 10 Big Brother could be that exciting. Nice one.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

3 responses to “They’ve Got The (tiny bit of) Power: Big Brother Australia 2014 Launch – Blog”

  1. Scott says :

    They’re all shit.

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