Budget Cuts: The Bachelor Australia 2014 Premiere Week – Blog
Like, really? Decent bodies are a dime a dozen for models-slash-actors. Are we expected to fall passionately in love with Blakey Baby Mouth?
Tim might have been fake as fuck, but so is everything about this show, so it’s not like that was a handicap.
So yes, we’re back with The Bachelor again. A bunch of model-slash-actresses pretend to be everyday women while trying to impress The Bachlor, a model-slash-actor pretending to be someone who can’t find a date without a reality show. Although, given Blake’s busted face, I suppose it kinda makes sense, hey?
Also, Osher is still here, and I still don’t understand why they just don’t axe the unnecessary host and replace him with a voiceover. If they really wanted to save some money, they could have dropped him. Instead, they went with cutting money out of the “hire attractive cast members” fund.
But that’s all peripheral. I’m not here to outline how a reality dating show works. I’m here to judge people based on their looks and the few snippets of out-of-context dialogue that the manipulative editors show us each episode. That’s what real bravery is.
I was initially going to do my first impressions of every contestant, but then I remembered that so few of them actually leave an impression in the first couple of episodes. So I’m defaulting to my approach from last year, and just gonna single out the ones whose names I didn’t (immediately, anyway) forget.
Before we begin, these are the girls who are already out, so I’m not going to bother mentioning them after this: Brunette Samantha (alas, poor Cavalier King Charles Spaniel Face), both Emmas, girl in a cream dress in the opening night cocktail party whose name I don’t recall, Bridgette-Rose, and Tiarnar. Moving on.
Favourite: Laurina, 30.
Are you at all surprised? Laurina is frosty, capricious, plastic, and above all, selfish. She’s me, in over-the-hill model form. But I don’t only like Laurina because she is me incarnate. I like Laurina because she’s the only one of these feeble little girls who seems to have some dose of reality about her. She’s not pawing and fawning and falling over herself to get a second of Blake’s precious time. And she seems largely unconcerned with the other girls, which is a big plus. Her approach to the opening night cocktail party was refreshing. But her real standout moment was the end of the second episode, when Chantal, reigning queen of the Basic Bitch Squad, attacked her for being here for herself, and not to service Blake. Tell her, Laurina:
“I’m here for me.”
“Like, I don’t even know the guy. I don’t care. I don’t know him.”
“He’s dating twenty other women, so it’s not like I’m emotionally invested.”
I don’t know about Blake, but I think I’m in love.
2nd Favourite: Diana, 28.
Diana is an almost 30 year-old woman who acts like a 16 year-old girl. And she’s blonde. She is my mothership.
Jessica, 24. She’s a hot brunette, and reminds me a lot of Sarah from last year, minus the subservience. Her sincerity irks me (emotions? Ew), but she’s easily the most attractive.
Amber, 26. Oh, Canada. Amber seemed pretty relaxed and chill during the first 2 episodes. I appreciated that. I’m worried that the preview for the next episode sees her blowing up at Laurina, though. Your time in the good books may be numbered, honey.
Anita, 30. Anita is forming as our resident pushy bitch, and we’ll never not need one of those. She’s like Danielle from last year, but her pushiness is out of hilarious desperation, rather than haughty self-interest. Anita’s kind of a mess (oh, that hair). Keep on thirsting, baby.
Least Favourite: Chantal, 26.
Queen Basic Bitch herself. Chantal looked like a plague-riddled hairball at the opening night cocktail party (you wore your hair like that for a first impression?), but her true, foul colours didn’t show until late in the game in the second episode. Laurina was upset that Tiarnar, her closest friend in the house, had been eliminated, which was, of course, an opportunity for Chantal to preach about how Laurina should be more concerned with pleasing The Mighty Blake. And apparently doing something for yourself, instead of to impress a strange man, is tantamount to genocide in Chantal’s books. I take solace in the fact that she got properly date snubbed from both the single and group dates. She should probably get used to that.
2nd Least Favourite: Holly, 23.
My disdain for Holly is on a much more practical level than my searing hatred of Chantal. Holly’s just unimpressive in all aspects. She’s got lifeless, shit hair. Her face is on the wrong side of average. But worst of all is that she has the early lead. She got the first video package during the premiere, she was the first one to meet Blake, and she got the white rose. Maybe she and Blake are a match made in busted face heaven?
Sam, 25. The survivor of the 2 Samanthas is Chantal’s rival for thirstiest, most basic bitch. She seethes about Laurina’s attitude all throughout the photoshoot. And in the promos for next episode, she actually has an expletive-riddled go at Laurina. Not on my fucking watch, cunt.
Katrina, 26. I can’t tell her apart from Zoe.
Zoe, 25. I can’t tell her apart from Katrina.
Louise, 26. Creepy doll face.
What I hate most about The Bachelor Australia 2014 so far, though, is the fact that Channel 10 is giving us this rubbish again, instead of what we all wanted: The Bachelorette, starring either Rochelle or Ali. Get on it, 10.