Pretty Little Liars Season 5 Episode 7 – TV Review

PLL Hanna drinking problem Emily judgemental

“Nope, that’s it. You’re going to AA right now.”

I’d say we should call the Fun Police, but Emily’s already on the case.

How is the hot, gay one of the group also the most buttoned down?

TL;DR Hanna has a for seriously, you guise, drinking problem; Sydney (and, by association, Mona’s Hit Squad) may or may not be linked to A; Alison is still boring and cautious; Bethany’s backstory becomes more sinister.

And more preposterous. But that’s nothing new for PLL.

For your reading pleasure, the plots:

Hanna’s out in the lead again. She’s still angsting about Caleb, and, following his fine example, turns to the comfort of a bottle (I’m more of a fan of a shiny, foil sack). She pisses Emily and Alison off a bit, then “drunkenly” blabs some details about Shana and New York to Sydney, which results in the other Liars (sans Alison) getting an A text to that effect. Mysterious.

Aria is playing spy games at Radley. She encounters Bethany’s old roommate, who has a whole, creepy sketchbook of Bethany’s to go with that one drawing of Jessica. It is implied that Bethany either knew about or was responsible for Toby’s mum’s death (because we really needed to pick that plotline up again). After seeing Aria, E Lamb also calls Ezra to set up a meeting, but never shows.

Spencer spends some time chilling with Ezra and borrows one of his surveillance cameras to keep an eye on the Hastings backyard barn (Melissa is back in town, so Spencer is watching her). Unsurprisingly, the camera also catches Alison doing some shady shit.

Emily, at Pam’s behest, has a dinner for all the girls at her place. Only Alison and Hanna show up, and things are tense as Alison keeps trying to spin her kidnap story, but Pam later admits to Emily that her shit isn’t flying with the authorities. Emily also reaches out to Paige after hearing about the dead rat in her locker (which Mona denies, btw).

And Alison butts heads with Hanna because she thinks Caleb is a bad influence.

When the net product of his return to Rosewood is the sinking of the Hanna/Travis ship, I’m inclined to agree with Alison on that one.

For once in her life, Aria’s plot is 100% arc relevant, so she’s a winner this week.

Sadly, that means Hanna steps in to fill her melodramatic, soap suds-filled void. Who knew a single beer and a little bit of vodka were so heinous?


Why I hate this episode:

The circumstances of Hanna’s intoxication are utter garbage, too. The beer she gets from Caleb after kicking him out of her house. But that’s not what gets her drunk. What gets her drunk is her stealing a bottle of vodka from the drinks cart Pam lays out for the dinner. Maybe hard spirits are part of the Fields family drink cart repertoire, but I’d think Pam might change up the range a little bit when the only guests she’s expecting are teenage girls. But no, she just leaves it out there for Hanna to plunder.

Then, at dinner, nobody smells the fumes coming from Hanna’s glass of straight vodka, which she evidently disguises well as a glass of water. It takes Emily actually tasting it (once Pam’s left the room) to know for sure. Jesus.

Also, there isn’t a teenage girl in history who would happily sip on a glass of straight vodka without the unavoidable grimace that goes along with it. And Hanna’s not Russian.

And naturally, she makes a couple of timely slips while chatting to sober pal Sydney at the cafe, mentioning New York and Shana. Because she was sooooooooooooo towtally waisssstedddddddddddd blarrrrrrg.

I can’t believe PLL is dragging Marion Cavanaugh’s death back into things. What a fucking wank. Is Bethany a serial killer of boring, middle-aged women?

Aria snoops through Rhonda’s, Bethany’s old roommate, room in a search for things of Bethany’s. Yeah, because in 2 years the hospital wouldn’t have cleaned up any of a missing patient’s personal items. Of course, being Aria, she lucks out when she hides underneath Rhonda’s bed and finds Bethany’s sketchbook, which Bethany apparently gave to Rhonda. Much believable.

Not one to let Hanna’s edginess outshine him, Caleb earns his Bad Boi stripes by both skipping out on his important school exams, and then celebrating with beer. Somebody call HBO, because this shit is adult themed.

Sydney and Emily both have the same hairstyle, so their early scene together is very distracting.

I still don’t remember why exactly E Lamb is important, and I have no interest in looking it up. Please be dead.

Melissa seems to really want to spill The Secret (haven’t heard about that one in a while), but doesn’t. Come the fuck on, already.

Ezra says that his original dreams of being a writer were to write about his family. If only he had, then half of this shit would have never happened.

Caleb has some spiel about how Ravenswood changed his perspective on life and he’s a different person now blah blah blah. That’s rubbish. Ravenswood didn’t change anything. How could it have? It got cancelled after 10 episodes.

EDIT: I entirely forgot that Ella had mentioned the proposal last season. Can you believe I even skimmed through my last season reviews before I posted this one, and still missed it? I’m an embarrassment. But I will not erase my mistakes, so here you go.
Oh, and the A stinger shows A opening a letter addressed to Pam, which is an invitation to Ella and Zack’s engagement party. Did I miss something?


But it’s not all bad:

Hey, at least Ella is locking down that younger guy penis. Kudos.

I’ll give praise where praise is due to Aria this episode. Even with Ezra appearing, there’s no relationship drama bullshit. She just does her thing at Radley, and doesn’t make a mess. Well done, Aria. Savour this, because I don’t expect it to be a common reoccurrence.

The deet that most excited me was Pam’s informing of Emily that Alison’s kidnapping story isn’t holding water with the investigators. The sooner that fib falls apart, the better. Think of the drama.

Conversely to my opinion on it, though, I’m awarding Alison the second best line of the episode for this reasonable point, which she makes at the Pam dinner, which is part of her strategy to uphold her poor little kidnapping victim status: “What did I ever do to anyone that was so bad to deserve this?” That’s what I’ve been saying for years. And when you apply it to what’s actually been happening to her and the Liars, it’s even more appropriate. What the fuck exactly did Alison do to bring this unbelievable torrent of harassment upon everyone?

Best line of the episode goes to Hanna, who is trying to hide from Emily the fact that she downed a bottle of beer:
Emily: “When did your mum start drinking beer?”
Hanna: “She washes her hair with it.”
Bonus points when Emily doesn’t question this at all. Vanity, thy name is Ashley.

Spencer catches Alison on the cameras skulking through the Hastings backyard. The Liars deduce she’s changed her clothes in a rush, too, so she’s clearly on a mission. What’s that bitch up to?

Earlier, Spencer comes across Melissa apparently cleaning out the barn of a dead rat. Well, Melissa is on Mona’s Hit Squad, so maybe we know where Paige’s locker pet came from?

Or maybe not. Mona denies doing the rat prank, because it’s amateurish.

The web gets even more tangled when Spencer, Aria, and Emily receive A texts with taunts about New York. This follows Hanna’s loose-lipped blabbing to Sydney. And Hanna is further incriminated because she herself doesn’t receive the text. My theory is that Mona is posing as A to cause division within the Liars.

Not that she really needs to. Hanna is already on the warpath to break up with Alison. She’s hesitating out of fear of what the other Liars will think. But given Alison’s mysterious ways, maybe she’ll have the posse on her side.

E Lamb might be dead. Good. It’ll make things simpler for me.

Alison and Caleb’s friction is juicy. Alison basically commands Hanna to dump him. Well et tu, bitch. The dump’s on you.

Oh, and as unsubtle and ridiculous as Hanna’s drunkenness is, it’s still good for a laugh.

PLL Hanna drunk dinner vodka

And that message is: it’s much safer to walk the nighttime streets alone, intoxicated, when you know a team of murderous psychopaths are out for you. Thanks, ABC Family.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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