Pretty Little Liars Season 5 Episode 3 – TV Review
What’s a little casual manslaughter between forbidden lovers?
TL;DR Jason is out of the Jessica murder suspicion race, and Peter is in; Hanna reminisces about her homoerotic friendship beginnings with Mona; Aria mopes about Ezra; Alison is a skittish waste of space.
I miss the erratic cunt queen from past seasons’ flashbacks.
Aria has some wah wah drama with Ezra. She asks him not to spoil Alison’s little kidnapping lie with the pesky truth yet. And she also confides in him about offing Shana. His initial horror gives way to predictable enabling.
Hanna has a series of flashbacks about Mona starting up their friendship, and things are pretty gay (not helped by Hanna asking Emily what coming out is like). Hanna decides that Mona had all along tried to sculpt Hanna into her own personal Alison replacement, and closes the episode by going to change her hair colour (if she’s brunette, I’ll kill myself).
Emily discovers Jason’s sketchy apartment was where he was detoxing (as opposed to being at rehab), and the timing of Jessica’s email doesn’t line up with him. She also encounters a new swimmer named Sydney. Could it be? Another hot, lipstick lesbian swimmer? Paige, naturally, is jealous as all get up.
Spencer finds Melissa evasive when asking her about the London lie. She later reckons that Jessica’s email had been meant for Peter, but is stonewalled by him when she goes at him about it. Melissa suggests they tell Spencer The Secret, but is denied.
And Alison skulks around warily with crap hair. She attends Jessica’s funeral and actually appears upset. Weak. She later menaces Ezra. Sadly, not in a sexual manner.
That crap hair, tho. Fawcett would puke.
And A is still MI…A. I can’t believe how much better this show is without them.
I hope Mona’s hit squad has some good schemes cooking.
Why I hate this episode:
Aria and Ezra. What’s new?
I’m confused about what Hanna’s whole schtick this episode is supposed to be leading to. During the flashbacks, Mona is very touchy-feely with her. Hanna then asks Emily what it’s like to come out, alluding to her own inner struggles. I would generously presume that Hanna is merely conflicted about her past closeness with Mona and their present adversarial positions, but PLL isn’t exactly the paragon of subtlety. So if those touches and squeezes are in there, they’re there for a reason. And as juicy as a gay Hanna would be, it’d be a pretty whopping pill to swallow.
She also has a mini rant at Mona about how Mona was grooming her to be a replacement Alison or something, and how Mona knew Alison was alive the whole time and that somehow makes things worse. I honestly just don’t get it. If anyone could illuminate things for me, please do.
I think even PLL wouldn’t be so insane as to introduce yet another gay swimmer love interest for Emily (that would be, what, 3?), but I wouldn’t put it past it.
Also, do high school swimmers really have that much cache that other high school kids will become whimpering fangirls and seek them out?
Paige is super jeal, obv, and isn’t very coy about it. She later declares her love for Emily. 1) I know she’s smoking hot, Paige, but this girl is too complicated. Move on. 2) Emily sends her a hell of a mixed message in return (something vague about wanting Paige to have the best, but said in a longing, yearning manner). God.
I feel bad that the costuming department has to keep finding new dresses for these girls to wear to funerals.
Melissa mentions The Secret in fucking front of Spencer, and Peter is still like “Nah, better not tell her.” He implies that it’s something that, if she knew, she would be forced to lie about to conceal her knowledge of it. So basically, he thinks he’s protecting her from that burden by keeping it from her. Peter, do you even watch this show? She’s going to keep at you. Just take the easy route and tell her now. If Melissa can keep it, I’m sure Spencer (and even Veronica) could handle it.
The wind machine is on too hard during Mona and Hanna’s flashback power strut.
At the conclusion of her visit to Ezra’s apartment, Aria goes to leave and can’t open the door because Ezra (understandably concerned about his safety these days) has locked it (with something like this, only with a handle on the inside, not just a keyhole). So little crippled Ezra has to get up and open it for her, just as an excuse for them to have some romantic tension. I’m pretty sure Aria can turn a fucking lock handle. Then again, she is literally cat feces, so you never know.
Oh, and Aria is still sulking over killing Shana, fyi.
But it’s not all bad:
If it means Aria’s prolonged unhappiness, though, then that will have to satisfy me.
Mona may not be too proactive with her present day plotting, but she does manage to flit around and menace the Liars enough. The end of the episode shows Mona spying on Hanna getting her hair done. She is joined by an obscured person, but they look an awful lot like Alison. Collaboration? Can you imagine?
Flashback Mona is super into getting her hands all over Hanna. Maybe we can get a little Hanna-on-Mona action while this silly subplot plays out? Being progressive towards sexuality is one of the few things I would hesitate to fault PLL on. Keep it coming, girls.
If Melissa is keen to tell Spencer The Secret, then it mustn’t be anything that would be incriminating to herself. And if Peter’s major concern is that Spencer would be forced to conceal her knowledge of it, rather than being concerned about how it would shock Spencer, then it can’t be anything incriminating for Spencer, either. Spencer makes a short mention about how she’s worried her family still thinks she killed the girl in Alison’s coffin during her crazy drug haze back in the day, but that kind of secret doesn’t seem to fit the bill. I’m intrigued.
Jason is planning on leaving town now that his mother is dead, his dad is a jerk, and Alison’s return freaks him out. He gives Spencer 2 pieces of parting advice: 1) Stop getting involved in shit before it destroys her; and 2) don’t trust Peter. What a thoughtful secret big brother.
The Liars are aware of the reality of the impending breakdown of Alison’s kidnapping lie.
Alison accidentally (or was it!?) wears the dress Jessica wore to her funeral when preparing for Jessica’s funeral. I lol’d.
Melissa says she thinks Jason killed Jessica, and is apparently keen to go to the police with her theory. Knowing that it isn’t true, and knowing that Melissa isn’t an idiot, I reckon Melissa knows who did (or thinks she knows). Spill, bitch.
Alison has a quick jibe at Hanna about how she used to be fat. Never change, Alison.
Alison thanks Ezra for saving them on the rooftop. She needles him for some of his research notes from his time as an A-esque stalker, but is rebuffed. Yeah, she’s not gonna let that go, bro.
Best line of the episode goes to Spencer, with this truism during her argument with Peter about the email. He’s trying to dismiss the email as meaningless, but Spencer is far too profound to put up with that garbage: “Everything means something, dad.” Perfection.
Oh, and even an overblown power strut is still a power strut.