Glee Season 5 Episode 19 – TV Review

Glee Rachel Broadway Bitches Old Dogs New Tricks

That was the dog talking. I mean, wouldn’t that go through anyone’s head if they had to work on Glee?

Another week, another delayed Glee post.

At least this episode has lots of cute puppies. And you know how I feel about puppies.

TL;DR Rachel tries too hard to court positive press by feigning interest in charity; Sam adopts a dog, which is obviously threatening to Mercedes (because she’s a bitch. Get it?); Kurt becomes involved in a theatre production at a retired performers’ home, with melodramatic results.

No, Billy Dee Williams. What are you doing here? Stahp.

The plot finds itself evenly split between Rachel and Kurt this episode. Rachel, fearing the impending doom she faces in case Sidney fucks her career when he finds out she might be doing a TV deal, decides to pre-empt that negative publicity by getting involved in a dog shelter charity. Santana acts as her PR agent, and together they host a benefit thing. Arbitrary cattiness (how ironic) gets involved and almost sours things, but Rachel and Santana save it in the end. Meanwhile, Kurt decides that his life is just, like, so empty, and inserts himself into a production of Peter Pan at a retired performers’ home. He grows fond of Maggie, a failed starlet who also let her relationship with her daughter sour over the years. Naturally, he reunites them. And Sam piggybacks off of Rachel’s plot line by adopting a cute but destructive dog. Mercedes uses this as a lesson in commitment or whatever. The important part is, they ditch the dog.

Because that’s what really matters.

What really fucked me off about this episode actually happens in the “here’s what you missed on” narration. The voiceover is like “Everyone else is thriving and doing so many amazing things, and all Kurt has is NYADA and his diner job.”

Really, Glee voiceover? All Kurt has is his amazing, 1 in a million spot at the world’s most fantastic performing arts school, and a job that he loves, is great at (supposedly), and earns enough to pay for New York loft rent? Not to mention a fiancĂ© who is way out of his league looks-wise, enduring and close friendships that have lasted from high school, and a fucking band.

Oh yeah, poor Kurt. His life is so empty. Mmm hmm. He is so fucking left out. Poor thing.

Are the Glee writers retarded, or just monumentally shameless?


Why I hate this episode:

Super dooper mega demerit points for Kurt going along with this way of thinking and actively whingeing at everyone because he has it sooooooooooooo hard. Come on, New York. You’re a dangerous place. Just find a way to kill Kurt. The gay bashing was a good start. Get back on the horse.

Kurt’s plot, shockingly, devolves into preachy, schmaltzy bullshit. He becomes champion of the poor, helpless elderly when he takes it upon himself to reunite Maggie with her absentee daughter. Glee has a brief flicker of originality when Kurt visits the daughter and finds out Maggie was a neglectful turd of a mother. But duh, we need our soppy resolution, so Clara comes to the Peter Pan performance anyway and unreservedly makes up with her mother. If Glee had an original thought, it would die. But not of loneliness. Simply observing Kurt for more than a few minutes would send it screaming for the noose and razor blades.

Kurt also, shockingly, completely dominates the performance of Peter Pan. Because everything is the Kurt show. Unless Blaine’s around. Then it’s the Blaine show.

The Blaine show gets put on hold this week. Even if it was in contemptible bile like this, I wouldn’t have minded a bit more Shirley MacLaine.

Mercedes and Sam’s subplot hits all the exact beats you’d expect it to: Sam gets a dog without telling Mercedes; dog chews things, including expensive shoes; Sam defends dog and tries to teach it obedience; Sam learns important lesson about responsibility and/or his relationship with Mercedes. And then he unceremoniously palms the poor thing off to some randoms at Broadway Bitches. But I guess it was all worth it, because Sam grew up a little bit.

Mercedes’ record label apparently has no problems with her fucking them over with her single, because she talks about how she’s going on tour soon.

Rachel’s PR push plot has all the subtlety of a CBS sitcom. Again, it hits all the beats you expect it to: Rachel needs attention; chooses a cause she has a tangential interest in; fumbles around trying to look good; embarrasses herself through her selfishness; learns a lesson about being selfish and comes good in the end. Next.

Kurt has a massive cuntfit at Rachel when she declines his invitation (I say “invitation,” but the way Kurt acts, “demand” would be more accurate a description) to attend Peter Pan because Broadway Bitches is scheduled for that time. This is bad enough, but Kurt’s hypocrisy emerges to take a frothing shit all over the episode when he goes to see Clara. Clara is like “My mum missed out on all the important moments in my life,” and Kurt’s like “Meh. That’s not a big deal.” Oh, so a mother repeatedly skipping her daughter’s important events to pursue her own interests is fine in Kurt’s book, but Rachel having already planned something in advance of Kurt’s “invitation” is tantrum-worthy? Holy shit, dude. Please die.

Rachel ends up conceding and skips out on some of Broadway Bitches so she can go to Peter Pan. Of course. You know what, Kurt? Scratch that note on dying. Could you just kill me, instead?

Santana is blonde now. It’s rubbish.

Rachel takes far too many dogs for a walk when she’s staging her paparazzi snafu. Idiot.

Sam plays the “I was poor” card when Mercedes says he’s too immature to take care of a dog. Nobody cares.

There’s another reference to watching Scandal. Wrong channel, Fox.

Oh, and Billy Dee deserves better than this.


But it’s not all bad:

Still, Billy Dee Williams, though.

Maggie turns out to have a good set of pipes on her. It’s a shame she has to sing alongside Kurt.

Santana is fun as an unscrupulous PR bitch. She chooses a 3-legged dog for Rachel to pose with when the reporter arrives at Broadway Bitches. A woman then wants to adopt the dog before the reporter gets there, and Rachel refuses to let her because they haven’t had the photo op yet. Santana has trained her well.

The woman then vows karmic retribution will befall Rachel, and her bullshit will become known to people. This seems to be avoided for the moment, because when the reporter does show up and witnesses Rachel including Kurt’s old people gang in Broadway Bitches, she loves it. I’ll hold out hope that Miss Dog Denied is yet to have her last laugh.

Santana gets best line of the episode when she poo-poos that woman’s threats to Rachel: “Don’t listen to her. Look at her shoes.” She’s got you there, flats.

Clara gets second best line when she tries to throw a meddlesome Kurt out of her office: “Liz, call security. They should only need one guy.” Just shove a crucifix in his face. That should be enough.

Rachel is spurred into her PR storm because gossip bloggers did break the story about her fallout with Sidney. Good. Her stupidity deserves to be known.

I like that the dog Sam adopted destroyed some of Mercedes’ property. It’s a small victory, but it’s my victory.

Maggie failed as a Broadway star due to her appearance in a disastrous Helen Keller musical. Cute.

Artie and Sam do a training montage with the dog.

Oh, and Kurt fucking wishes he was Jenna Maroney.

Glee Kurt Peter Pan Old Dogs, New Tricks

If only he had a Liz Lemon to sabotage him. Santana?

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

9 responses to “Glee Season 5 Episode 19 – TV Review”

  1. Tommy says :

    Fun fact: Chris Colfer wrote this episode. That should explain everything.

  2. Scott says :

    Miss Dog Denied got the dog during the final scenes at the diner, inexplicably.

  3. Lydia says :

    Supposedly Rachel learns her lesson… And then she makes the same fucking mistake next episode. It’s just a cycle of her pretending to care about other people, then realizing the error of her ways.

    Also, Mercedes is a bitch. Again. Sam, what the fuck are you thinking. You said yourself that she just whips you. Why are you still with her? I see no “true love” between them. And he says he wants to MARRY her? That would probably the most unhealthy and awful marriage ever! Seriously, she’s almost bordering abusive! And we’re supposed to support her?!


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