The Top 5 Movies of the Past Year (For Whatever Reason) – Best Of


You’ve seen the top 5 TV shows.

Now it’s time for the films.

Spoiler: I haven’t watched a lot of great films this year.

Which is fine, because the criteria isn’t dependent on that, anyway. The criteria is as follows: any movies reviewed in the period between 7 May 2013 and 7 May 2014 is eligible, regardless of original release date; these movies are not necessarily my favourite movies, nor necessarily my least favourite; they are simply memorable, important to me, and/or represent my past year’s viewing experience; and they are in no particular order.

And breaking from the rules a little bit, one of these entires is a movie I did not review. But more on that as it happens.

Before we begin, some honourable mentions:

And if you haven’t seen last year’s list, here you go.



The Conjuring Vera Farmiga Lorraine Warren collar blouse

The Conjuring

My rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

Vera Farmiga is already featured in my TV top 5 for Bates Motel, so it’s only right that she should dominate the entire field and win a spot in the movie category. It doesn’t hurt that The Conjuring is one of the best horror movies of the past year (and a nice taste to keep in your mouth if you plan on trudging through the atrocious Insidious: Chapter 2).

The Conjuring is genre horror at its strongest. It’s Wan on form. It’s Lili Taylor. It’s Patrick Wilson.

It’s Vera fucking Farmiga.

It’s worth it.


Fun Size Victoria Justice April Wren

Fun Size

My rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

My Fun Size review was only a couple weeks shy of last year’s anniversary, but I still remember this movie as fondly as if I’d seen it much more recently.

It’s a teen movie with the sensibility of a childrens’ movie, but with the content and characterisation of a teen movie. So it gets to have its giddy fun, with a strong undercurrent of PG-level risqué business.

Fun Size stands out as exemplary of the past year because it has Jane Levy pre-Evil Dead (2013), Victoria Justice taking some tentative steps outside Nickelodeon’s TV confines, and Johnny Knoxville doing something that isn’t Jackass that also isn’t terrible.

And a sympathetic Chelsea Handler? What the fuck?


Spring Breakers James Franco Alien fellates guns

Spring Breakers

My rating: 1 out of 5 stars.

Oh dear. The absolute worst movie I’ve seen in the past year, and memorable purely for that, unfortunately. What an absolutely squandered opportunity of a film.

It certainly hasn’t done much for the 4 lead actresses’ careers. Ashley Benson is still imprisoned on the seemingly endless Pretty Little Liars; Vanessa Hudgens got, like, 2 seconds of screentime in Machete Kills; Rachel Korine probably shouldn’t be an actress anyway; and Selena Gomez is still only famous for dating Justin Bieber. The fact that her acting is subpar and her “singing” isn’t even good when it’s edited into oblivion doesn’t help, though.

Spring Breakers will always say to me: “Why make an accessible, fantastic movie showing a bunch of Disney-esque starlets go wild, when you can masturbate over the slo-mo switch on your editing software and pretend you’re meaningful because your dialogue doesn’t make any sense?”


GBF Tanner Fawcett Mean Girls You Can't Sit With Us


My rating: 4 out of 5 stars.

I actually watched this back in March, but held off on reviewing it. Why? Because I’m lazy like that. I made sure to post that shit 2 days ago, though, so I could include it on this list.

So yeah, it’s the true Darren Stein follow-up to Jawbreaker (All About Evil was alright, but it was far removed). And it might not have had the same, cruel attitude that Courtney and the gang had. But god damn, is it an amazing high school movie. All crazy dialogue and makeovers and cliques and colour. And that cast. Wow.

Oh, and it’s a nice “Fuck you” from Sasha Pieterse to Ashley Benson. Spring Breakers ain’t got nothin’ on this, honey.



Veronica Mars

My rating: TBD. EDIT: It’s reviewed now. 4 out of 5 stars.

Yes, I’m breaking the rules and including a movie I watched but didn’t review. Or, more accurately, haven’t reviewed.

I watched The Veronica Mars Movie back in mid-March when it was released. Unfortunately, my PC set up is apparently too cool for Flixster to handle, and my digitally distributed copy only came in a paltry SD version. And honestly, it looked fucking atrocious. So I decided to wait until I got my Blu-ray (I backed $110 to the Kickstarter, so my copy should be in the mail soon) and do a review on a version of the movie that wasn’t a piexellated barf bag.

Video quality aside, Veronica Mars was an exceptional balance of fanservice and a new mystery. It ended up weighing more on the fanservice side, but that’s what I expected.

I’ll save the rest of my comments for my review, but rest assured, nothing says “the past year” more than The Veronica Mars Movie. It is a monument in time.

Sequel, please.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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