Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 18 – TV Review
Yes, the One True God Rose McGowan is back, and looking less monstrously distorted than ever (please stop this time, honey).
And Zelena’s abandonment was not at all trivial. I better eat my words.
TL;DR Young Cora got fucked and fucked around by some dudes and Snow’s cunt of a mother; Zelena’s plan for time travel becomes known to the gang in Storybrooke; Snow and Regina bond over both having bad mums; Regina and Robin pash.
Not bad for a woman who doesn’t have a heart.
So thank God, it’s time for Zelena’s plan to come out. Regina holds a séance type thing to try to contact Cora’s spirit and get some answers about Zelena, but it doesn’t go as planned. In fact, a crazy, CGI abomination version of Cora attacks Snow and Regina, but all she wants to do is relay her memories to Snow. Flashbacks show Cora was wooed and impregnated by a man claiming to be a prince. When Cora found out she’d lost her virtue and tight gentialia for nothing, a real prince happened to be around to comfort her/fall in love with her. Before they can get married though, a jealous Princess Ava butts in and reveals Cora’s prego shame, and the kind Prince Leopold goes with Mama Snow, instead. Cora dumps her baby in the woods later. Out of shame and poverty, I guess? Meanwhile in Storybrooke, Belle has figured out that the ingredients Zelena has been procuring are all common elements in time travel spells. Zelena confirms this to Gold when she sits him down to a romantic dinner. Laws of magic be damned, says she. Zelena plans to kill Ava, thereby allowing Cora to raise Zelena with Prince Leopold. And the plan is coming along nicely, because Zelena manages to snatch Regina’s heart from Robin’s protection. Regina ain’t mad, though, and she goes and hooks up with him later.
Because he’s attractive and British, darling.
The most frustrating part about this episode was trying to figure out how it fits with the previous Rose McGowan as Cora episode. After a quick Wikipedia and OUaT wiki walk, it seems that this episode happened before season 2 episode 16 The Miller’s Daughter.
Why the fuck didn’t Ava and Cora recognise each other in The Miller’s Daughter, then? I think I’d remember the woman who ruined my life. Maybe Ava’s rampant snottiness would have made her forget Cora, but come on.
Why I hate this episode:
While Ava (I know it’s spelled Eva) being an unfathomable cunt does cement Snow’s hereditary douchebaggery, I absolutely hate this bitch. I know she’s just trying to claim Leopold as rightfully hers (arranged marriage and all that), but she doesn’t have to enjoy destroying Cora so much.
Ava is more suited to the deceptive Jonathan. If only he’d met Ava instead.
And before anyone jumps down my gin stained throat about the continuity peculiarity, I did go back and give the Ava/Cora scene from The Miller’s Daughter a rewatch, and saying that they knew each other would be a pretty fuckin’ wild stretch. This episode is retconning to the extreme.
Also, in The Miller’s Daughter, Rumple tries to bargain Cora out of her first born child. If this episode came before that, then Cora had already given birth to her first born child (Zelena, if you’re having trouble keeping up). You’d think the almighty, omniscient Dark One would have been up to speed with that. And even if he wasn’t, Cora was. So why didn’t she just allow the clause to stay as is in the contract and let Rumple go chase down her child that she dumped? Am I crazy, or is this a huge problem?
Ava only catches onto Cora’s pregnancy because she happens to be hiding behind a gazebo wall when Jonathan’s blackmailing Cora. Good grief.
Robin folds laughably quickly when Gold, on Zelena’s orders, goes to get Regina’s heart from him. And did Regina really think giving her heart to her one love interest was going to keep it safe from Zelena for long? Should have kept it in Snow and David’s apartment.
Hook is still pouting about having his lips cursed, and takes a moment to ignore Emma’s flirtation. Just fucking tell her, bitch.
Ghost Cora is the worst CGI Once Upon a Time has coughed out in a long time. An utter failure.
The continued mentioning of breaking the laws of magic without reference to Once Upon a Time in Wonderland is kind of insulting, you know? It’s like, they did it first, guys.
Zelena is both ready for Gold to betray her and reach for the dagger while they’re making out, but also chucks a huge shit fit about it. You can’t have your paranoia and whinge about it, too.
Cora and Leopold’s relationship jumps from “I just met you” to “Hey, lady, you know how to start a fire” to “Let’s get married.” They’re clearly not courting long enough for him to see her baby bump develop. Yet he complains about an arranged marriage? If you’re marrying a stranger anyway, what do you care? You’re going to take a dump on whatever political/financial guarantees your arranged marriage would uphold so you can wed the random plastic surgery victim you met?
It’s not clear why Cora gave up baby Zelena. She’d already lost her chance with Leopold. I suppose she couldn’t afford to support her? And why did she randomly leave her in the woods. She didn’t know magic at this point, so she couldn’t have summoned the teleportation tornado that took Zelena to Oz. Was she just leaving the baby in the woods to die?
Oh, and Snow and Regina becoming besties is an abomination against every religion on this planet.
But it’s not all bad:
She shows us a younger Cora than we’ve seen before. One that is willing to believe in the goodness in life and love. It pleases me that Ava’s cruelty is a contributing factor to her eventual spiral into pure evil. You are tainted, Snow. Tainted!
To hold her séance, Regina needs to get Cora’s murder weapon (the candle), and the murderer. Snow’s face when Regina reveals these requirements is divine. Yes, you, bitch. You are a murderer. Regina also has the rest of the main gang (David, Hook, Emma) around. Just for fun, I guess.
Ghost Cora punches Regina in the face to get her out of the way so she can fly into Snow. Cora never quits.
Best line of the episode goes to Regina, who finds Snow and Cora’s affinity to be baffling: “You officially have a less damaging relationship with my mother than I do. And you killed her.” Never forget.
Belle does something that isn’t entirely inconsequential and uses the power of research to deduce what Zelena’s goal is. The ingredients she has so far are David’s courage, Regina’s heart, and Gold’s brain. She still needs Emma’s ingredient, though.
For her part, Emma does seem to be more interested in flirting with Hook. He keeps his moody distance, though.
Emma is also practicing magic. If she’s gonna be undeservedly omnipotent, she might as well own it.
Gold spits on Zelena’s offer of joining her in changing the past, and defiantly affirms his desire to kill her when he gets the chance. Get to it, then.
I’m conflicted on whether I’d be willing to risk Regina maybe not being born for the payoff of Snow definitely not being born.
Gold threatens Robin’s son to get Regina’s heart from him. I lol’d.
Regina still macks on Robin. It’s about time. He’ll never be Graham, though.
Regina spelled her heart so Zelena can’t use it to control her. Way to think ahead of those plot holes, baby.
Cora calls Ava a “jealous brat.” Yep.
Oh, and I watched American Hustle today, so.