Glee Season 5 Episode 16 – TV Review
It’d be too much to hope that a Glee episode about Blaine being fat could be anything other than melodramatic and decidedly unenjoyable, wouldn’t it?
TL;DR Blaine gets fat, but it all ends up being about how he’s insecure due to Kurt being amazing and perfect; Mercedes decides to wait for sex before marriage, and Sam puts up with that shit; Artie has chlamydia and minor girl drama; Santana has still not returned to inject sanity into things.
She better not bring fucking Brittany back with her, though.
The major plot thread involves Blaine having stacked on some weight due to poor impulse control. He also finds that Kurt’s newfound fitness is getting him attention (as well as that whole “hero” thing), and feels threatened. Instead of exercising and eating better like a normal person, he sets out to fatten Kurt up. Kurt sees through it, but unfortunately Kurt also sees that Blaine has been watching porn, which is worse than genocide in Kurt’s book. They patch things up once Blaine admits he’s insecure and that Kurt is perfect and better than him in every way. A solid base for a relationship. Meanwhile, Mercedes tells Sam she’s a virgin. He tries to be supportive and take things slow, but then Mercedes decides she will be waiting to have sex until she’s married. Sam is like “Oh, cool” and betrays his own interests and the evolution of modern sexuality by going along with it. And Artie finds out he has chlamydia, which makes his playa status at film school fall apart. A nerdy girl he likes is disgusted by him and fucks him off.
Rachel gets a couple of token scenes as a sounding board for Mercedes to whinge about her prudishness. I can’t say I hated a Rachel-lite episode. We were due for one.
We’ll get to the Kurt/Blaine stuff in a minute, don’t you worry, but it’s fucking Mercedes again this week who is just a giant, soaking puddle of afterfelch.
Evidently she dropped her personality somewhere in the past century, because not only is she susceptible to thinking interracial relationships are not okay, but she’s joined the no-sex-before-marriage-crowd.
I’m willing to place a bet on her becoming suddenly homophobic next episode.
Why I hate this episode:
What’s absolutely insane is Sam agreeing to go along with it. He almost gets the balls to have an opinion when he initially jerks back, rightly pointing out that it would make them nothing but good friends, which is what they had already, anyway. But then he decides that being a virile, attractive, 19 year old man can be denied in the pursuit of a fat prude who couldn’t even give him the decency of tossing him a mercy blowjob. Fuck off, Mercedes.
I also can’t tell whether Mercedes has lost weight, or if she’s simply gained a better stylist. Probably both?
She takes Sam to a black church, and, predictably, sings a song with a wailing choir while the “puh-raise-uh Jesus” pastor offers background stereotyping. Is Mercedes able to do anything surprising?
Artie’s subplot isn’t much more inspiring. His whole world crumbles because he has chlamydia. I’m no expert on STDs, but Artie himself says that 2 weeks of antibiotic treatment will clear it up. Even Girlfriend No. 2 (he has 3. For fuck’s sake) is like “Eh, whatevs.” But no, Artie has to make this a big. Fucking. Deal.
Sam, too, makes it a big. Fucking. Deal. While I agree with his objection to Artie’s aversion to using condoms, his zealous slut shaming is an odd move from a former stripper.
And Artie thinks a tentative first date is an excellent time to discuss sex scheduling when he’s out with Nerdy Girl. At least she has the sense to be creeped out by it.
Blaine takes the cake (literally) with his completely rubbish attempt at having a plot line this episode. So he’s gotten a little bit heavier due to his love of food. Naturally, his entire life unravels because now Kurt is the “hot” one who gets all the attention, and Blaine is a fatty fatty no friends. I never thought I’d be unhappy to see Blaine knocked down from his perch of unchallenged amazingness, but if this kind of melodramatic bullshit is what it takes, I’d rather him stay up there.
Although, Kurt is now up there. And given that Blaine’s fat now, there’s not enough room for both of them, I suppose.
Kurt gets in on the retarded approach to sexuality act when he flips his fucking shit over Blaine looking at porn. Like, you’re a teenage male, too, Kurt. Are you really that shocked? You made Blaine fucking move out, you cuntburger. Of course he’s going to whack it if you’re not around. Dipshit.
Blaine’s approach to feeling dumpy is to try to ruin Kurt’s body by fattening him up. Why try to improve yourself when you can simply drag anyone above you down to your miserable level? And that’s my thing, anyway.
Kurt has become confident with taking his shirt off. Good God, no. I get enough of that garbage with Norman Bates.
Mercedes wants her first time to be “special.” Shut the fuck up.
She says the reason why she wants to wait until marriage for sex is because sex will make her so vulnerable and how if she’s going to give that part of her to a man then there’s got to be commitment blah blah blah. Holy shit. It’s just you wrapping your crotch around Sam’s crotch for a couple of minutes and having a good time. Shut the fuck up.
Neither Blaine nor Kurt appear to know how to fence.
Their harmonies are unpleasant.
Artie and Mercedes share the lead in singing Let’s Wait Awhile after they have their respective dates at the restaurant. The song itself isn’t bad, but the bizarre, disjointed, uncomfortable choreography for the number is a fucking nightmare. For a while I wasn’t sure if Artie and Mercedes weren’t singing in a musical fantasy, because Nerdy Girl looked so horribly awkward. What a mess.
Oh, and I’d say Sam’s pussy whipped. But that would require him to be getting any pussy.
But it’s not all bad:
Blaine being unhappy is always a good thing. I just wish it didn’t sink to the ridiculous levels it did. Particularly how it makes Kurt look even more polished and untouchably perfect than he already did. Because even when Blaine is going through a life crisis, the focus of course has to be on how amazing Kurt is.
Mercedes’ church makes a point of being very racially inclusive by welcoming some Asian visitors to the service. So it looks like those 2 backup singers of hers from last episode were just a pair of backwards, outlier cunts. Good.
Nerdy Girl is more upset that Artie had sex with 2 fellows students that she doesn’t like than she is about the chlamydia. I respect her selfishness.
She also fucks Artie off for being the creeper he is.
Artie sings Addicted To Love, complete with a recreation of the bored model film clip. It was nice. I don’t mind Artie’s singing.
Girlfriend No. 2 (the coloured hair one) is obviously the right choice. Come on, Artie. You’re wheelchair-bound, not blind. Go for her.
Rachel tells Mercedes about how she and Sam almost had a thing a while ago. I’d completely forgotten about that. Way to stay on the ball, Rachel.
Blaine gets best line of the episode during his big, revelatory fight with Kurt: “I feel like you don’t need me anymore.” He finally understands.
Mercedes encourages Rachel to go find some male attention of her own. I concur.
Oh, and I don’t know why Mercedes just doesn’t toss Sam a mercy blowjob. She’s got the “talent” for it.