Machete Kills – CBF Review

Machete Kills Sofia Vergara strap-on cannon dick

Strap-on cannon dicks have a lot of uses. Improving your career may not be one of them.

I really wanted this to be good.

And it really, really wasn’t.

The plot is convoluted tripe, but not even in a good way. Following the death of Jessica Alba, Machete is tasked by the US President (Charlie “Carlos Estevez” Sheen) to stop a Mexican madman (Demian Bichir) from blowing up Washington DC. Machete is disappointed to find out he can’t kill his way through this mission, because the missile controls are wired to Demian’s heart. So Machete has to extract Demian back to the US so Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) can get a bomb expert to look at it. They avoid the assassination attempts of some trigger-happy hookers (Sofia Vergara, Alexa Vega) and a shapeshifter (Lady Gaga, among others), but they get there. Then Mel Gibson shows up, kills Demian, keeps the heart alive, and reveals a plan to move him and his chosen people to space or whatever. There is no ending. Amber Heard gets maddeningly underused as an eventually-evil contact of Machete’s. And Vanessa Hudgens plays a 3-scene nobody nothing character who gets killed. It’s not important to the plot, but I consider it revenge for Spring Breakers.

I hate this movie because it’s replaced the fun and frivolity of the first movie with laboured nudge-winks and plain awful pacing; Amber Heard gets killed, and her fight with Luz isn’t even that great; and the movie doesn’t end. Mel jets off to orbit, then we get a fake trailer for the apparently imminent sequel Machete Kills Again… In Space. Which, given the box office disaster this movie deservedly was, isn’t gonna happen.

But it’s not all bad because Amber Heard is still the most amazing thing ever, even when she gets shafted for Sofia Vergara; Sofia Vergara not only has Fembot-esque boob machine guns, but a strap-on dick cannon. You’re not gonna see that anywhere else; and there is a lot of violence (I know I’ve bemoaned CGI blood splatter, but it works in context here. My hypocrisy is beyond your criticism). I will never forget Machete grapple-hooking onto a spinning helicopter blade so he could whirlwind decapitate a flurry of goons. True beauty exists.

Verdict: 2 out of 5 stars.

Oh, and Luz defeats Amber by stabbing her with her pageant crown. That’s gotta be worth something.

Machete Kills Amber Heard Miss San Antonio tiara crown death scene stabbed

Yet another reason not to let beauty be inside you.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

3 responses to “Machete Kills – CBF Review”

  1. Catherine Dream says :

    I’d watch it just to see Amber get stabbed with a tiara.

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