Glee Season 5 Episode 12 – TV Review

Glee100 April Holly wine drinking

Trust Glee to make even wine o’ clock look depressing.

Don’t feel so bad, Glee.

13% of those episodes were really good.

TL;DR It’s a clip show where they’ve simply re-filmed said clips; Chace Crawford slithers out from the pit of Gossip Girl cancellation to be here for some reason; glee club still isn’t saved; nobody can shut up about Finn.

It keeps happening, and there’s nothing we can do.

So for the 100th episode, it’s time for the glee club kids, including some graduated members, to sing old songs so Fox doesn’t have to pay for any new rights. The in-universe context for this celebration is that glee club’s getting cancelled, so they’re reminscing. April Rhodes returns (doesn’t sing any good songs, though) and tries to use her auditorim endowment everyone’s forgotten about to help. Sue snuffs that out because April is actually broke (what’s new?). Meanwhile, Rachel and Mercedes bitch at each other over who is better (Rachel, obviously). Meanwhile, Quinn has a preppy new rich boyfriend (Chace) who fucks her off once he learns she was a knocked up teenage slut. So she settles for Puck. Meanwhile, Santana and Brittany reconnect. Kurt and Blaine, shockingly, don’t do anything all episode. And Gwyneth Paltrow returns to remind us why she never got an album deal. And also to join KrisChen in a scheme to revive the glee club.

Sorry to break it to you, ladies, but the sheer power of daytime drinking isn’t that effective at anything other than inducing a 10pm hangover. I know.

By rehashing a bunch of things we used to like about the show, Glee manages to get the worst of both worlds. 1) It reminds us that these things are gone. 2) It shows us that we can’t get them back. Because when we try to get them back, like in this episode, they are contrived and soulless.

Fan service doesn’t work for everyone, evidently.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Quinn’s hair. What the fuck? I think they made it all wavy/curly/shitty to differentiate it from Brittany’s straight hair, but good God. Also, when did Dianna Agron age 12 years overnight? Did Chelsea Handler finally pass on the curse?

April’s back, and she doesn’t get to sing any songs worthy of Kristin Chenoweth. They stick her with some rubbish P!nk song. I was expecting something more like this. The disparity.

Gwyneth returns as Holly Holiday, who I thought we had successfully dumped after her multiple appearances. This time she’s forgotten what acting is, and delivers her lines like Glee is a parody. Well, it is. But Glee doesn’t know that. Stop being so cruel, Gwyneth.

And she sings that Pharrell song that is now officially dead thanks to this version.

Not to constantly suck Rachel’s dick, but who the fuck would say Mercedes is better than Rachel? Rachel is the star. She always has been. Even Kurt would understand that. Mercedes needs to stop drinking the diva juice.

And their diva-off, which is voted on by the glee club, ends in a tie. Obviously.

Kurt joins in during the diva-off performance of Defying Gravity for no reason.

Brittany’s subplot is about how she is stifled creatively by her work at MIT. Oh, you poor thing. Shut up.

Santana also hounds the fuck out of her, and when Brittany finally snaps out of her doldrum and is affectionate towards Santana, Santana is like “Hold up, bitch.” Mixed signals, cunt.

Chace photocopies his Nate Archibald routine, just cranking up the douche factor. Times are tough, I suppose.

Why would Quinn bring her boyfriend, who she’s trying to conceal her entire past from, to her hometown reunion with all her friends who know all her dirty laundry? Was she surprised when they started discussing old times?

Why can’t Brittany just dance in her spare time at MIT?

Mercedes says, among other things, she wants to be “bigger” than Rachel. I think we’re already there, baby.

Am I the only one who wanted Terri to come back?

Oh, and when choosing Puck to be her soulmate, Quinn tells him to “stay.” Like, in Lima? Because that’s not where either of them live.

 

But it’s not all bad:

At least Quinn is back. She missed Finn’s memorial episode, but it’s nice to know she isn’t a total Glee pariah.

The best song of the episode, mainly for its stripperriffic dance routine, is the reunion of the Unholy Trinity of Quinn, Santana, and Brittany for a girls-only version of Poison.

The diva-off Defying Gravity is nice. Though nobody goes for the final high note. Which is fortunate for Kurt.

Kristin Chenoweth does what she can with what little she’s given. She does still get to roll around as a fabulous, drunk bitch, though. She even has a garter flask. Smart.

She tells Blaine and Kurt that she’s happy about their engagement, but joyfully informs them that they’ll be divorced about 2 seconds later. We can only hope.

And at the end of the episode, she and Holly (over wine, natch) decide they’re going to come up with a plan to save the glee club. I presume it will involve sexual espionage.

In a textbook smackdown, Santana prefaces the diva-off voting by completely denouncing Rachel. The icing on the humiliation cake is the revelation that her prom queen victory was rigged. Ouch.

Jake gets best line of the episode when he’s having trouble deciding on his vote between Rachel and Mercedes: “I’m torn. One is black, and one is Jewish.” Glee racism is so cute!

Rachel isn’t far behind with this simple fact about her relationship to Mercedes: “I’ve always been better than her.” Yes.

Will gets absolutely crushed after it turns out April is broke/under indictment, and her promise of buying the glee club out of trouble is shut down. His pain brings me strength.

Fondue For Two gets a quick look-in.

Puck uppercuts Chace into a dumpster. I was impressed.

Brittany tells Santana that if she wants her, she’s available. Well, I hate both Brittany and Demi Lovato, so no matter which woman Santana chooses to be with, I’ll have something to complain about.

Oh, and it’s nice to know Chace Crawford is still alive. Ish.

Glee100 Chace Crawford Biff

It’s only 1 episode, Chace. Just take the money and cry in the shower tonight.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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  1. Glee Season 5 Episode 13 – TV Review | I Just Hate Everything - March 26, 2014

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