Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 13 – TV Review

OUaT Wicked Witch Regina bitch

I don’t know about your chances, Regina. You’ve gotten a bit soft.

Mmm, sistah.

Regina and WWotW are sisters.

Is what I’m saying.

TL;DR WWotW wants to destroy Regina’s life because she’s maaaaaaaaadddd about Cora choosing Regina over her; Robin and Regina flirt a bit; Emma and Regina team up to try and find out who caused the curse and maybe a way to cure everyone’s explosive amnesia.

It is not a fruitful endeavour.

So we’re still getting the skinny on the year old haps in the Enchanted Forest. Regina goes through some underground tunnels into the castle. She is accompanied by a persistent Robin. After some sexual tension, Regina reveals her plan to prick herself with a sleeping curse after she’s shut down the barrier so that she doesn’t have to live her pained existence anymore. Once the barrier is down, WWotW shows up and reveals her motive: she’s Regina’s half sister (thanks, Cora) who was abandoned in Oz. Cora wasn’t a great mother, you know? She wants to make Regina’s life suck because she’s jealous blah blah blah. The usual. Back in present day Storybrooke, Emma and Regina unite to find out who the hell cursed everyone again. This is complicated by several townsfolk being attacked by flying monkeys, and subsequently turning into flying monkeys. And Regina’s continued heartache over Henry, seeing as he doesn’t know who she is.

If only it was the other way around. I wouldn’t mind a curse making me forget about Henry.

While I think it’s juicier than a saline-injected grapefruit that WWotW (who goes by Zalina) is Regina’s sister, what a bland motive she has.

“Urgh, mummy chose you over me to grow up with. Even though mummy was a gargantuan monster who destroyed your life. Why couldn’t she have destroyed myyyyyyyy life? Wahh.”

It doesn’t help that Zalina is the older sister. Grow up, bitch.


Why I hate this episode:

I still don’t know how she plans on making Regina’s life worse. Losing Henry is pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen to her. I guess sending Regina back to a world where she has to see Henry, but he doesn’t remember her, is pretty nefarious. But come on. I hope Zalina’s plan is a bit more exciting than that.

All we really see her do in Storybrooke this episode is get cozy with Snow by offering to be her midwife. Wouldn’t fucking Snow up actually make Regina happy?

Part of Emma and Regina’s plan involves the real perpetrator of the curse thinking the town has turned on Regina. Emma fakes it, but literally every other citizen of Storybrooke takes about 4 seconds to totally think it’s real and accuse Regina. Special demerits go to Grumpy, Whale, Granny, Belle, and Hopper, who are vocal about it. Little shits.

The memory potion Regina synthesises from the remains of Emma’s dose proves futile. Frankly, I’ve already had enough of Regina’s wanking about Henry’s lost memory. Someone catch that kid up so it can be done with.

We know Cora died in Storybrooke, so I was intrigued when Once Upon a Time went out of its way to show her coffin in the crypt of Regina’s castle in the Enchanted Forest. I was hoping Regina was hiding some kind of super weapon in there or something. I was disappointed.

Little John gets turned into a flying monkey in Storybrooke. I don’t care. Some of the dwarves are missing, presumed to have befallen the same fate. I don’t care.

Regina’s resolution to sleep curse herself is way too self-indulgent for me to tolerate. What happened to ripping your heart out? As long as you don’t let Snow see you do it, it’s a solid plan. Can the melodrama, honey.

Oh, and when Regina says she thinks the curse’s culprit is the Wicked Witch of the West, Emma is incredulous. Really, bitch? After everything you’ve seen? Fucking Dr Frankenstein lives in town. Oz isn’t much of a stretch from there.


But it’s not all bad:

As petty and infantile as Zalina’s motivation is, she’s probably even more fabulous at strut-threatening than Regina. Don’t underestimate that British accent, baby.

Regina also finds herself renewed with purpose now that she has someone to destroy. That’s all anyone can really ask for in life.

Zalina reveals that not only did Cora choose Regina, but Rumple, too. Rumple was apparently Zalina’s teacher, yet he chose Regina to pull off his curse. Girl has a serious case of the Nikos.

The tastiest scene of the episode shows Zalina with a caged up Rumple/Gold in Storybrooke. He has Gold’s human appearance, but talks like Rumple.

Regina gets best line of the episode with this semi-sassy retort to Zalina: “Go ahead. Bring it, Greenie.” I enjoyed the implied racist undertone.

I was initially consumed by rage when Emma fucked over Regina at the town meeting, but I was glad to find out it was all part of the scheme. If it hadn’t been, though. Holy fuck.

Robin isn’t anywhere near good enough for Regina. And he’s certainly no Graham. But if she wants to get some hot, British dick, I won’t stand against her.

Hook says his message to seek out Emma came to him via messenger bird. Which character do we think would be most likely to use one?

Baelfire either hasn’t turned up in Storybrooke, or has already been monkey-fied. Good. It gives Hook a little more time to get it in.

Oz is considered a fairy tale to the Enchanted Forest dwellers. That’s cute.

Snow’s cover to Henry for how she knows Emma is that they were cellmates when Emma was in prison. I lol’d.

Oh, and Snow reads an alarmist pregnancy book. Hey, at least she didn’t read the “born without an anus” statistic.

OUaT Mary Margaret Snow pregnant

Well, they do come out of vaginas.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

10 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 13 – TV Review”

  1. Teylen says :

    My tip for a messanger bird would be the character: Blue Bird.
    They used it as “Boy Blue” in Fables and it seems to be a rather widespread fairy tale in the US.

  2. HM says :

    Loved the episode. Amnesiac Henry isn’t half as annoying as normal Henry. And is it just me or does the CGI look better than before? The monkeys impressed me for a TV show.

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