Nurse 3D – Film Review

Nurse 3D Paz de la Huerta Abby amputation scene

Any variety of porn is fine.

Another day, another disappointing 3D horror movie.

Which I didn’t see in 3D.

Consistency is my virtue.

TL;DR Squandering what little premise it had, Nurse is a below average slasher movie that tries to claim itself as something sexy and scandalous. But is just bland and forgettable. Throw in a lead actress who can’t act, Niecy Nash for some reason, and the ghost of Corbin Bleu’s career, and here we are. 2 out of 5 stars.

Maybe if it had been a musical it would have worked?

The “plot” is about as well thought out and deep as you’d expect of a movie that was conceived from a picture of a naked chick with blood on her tits. Abby (“played” by Paz de la Huerta. I use inverted commas for “played” because I don’t want to confuse it with actual acting) is a naughty nurse who spends her free time entrapping and murdering cheating men. She meets newbie nurse Danni (Katrina Bowden, who was also in Piranha 3DD), and becomes Fatal Attraction-esque obsessed with her. When Danni rebuffs her advances (for friendship, romance, and indoctrination into killing dudes), Abby goes after the men in Danni’s life. Mainly her boyfriend Steve (Corbin Bleu). After everyone takes forever to catch onto what Abby’s up to, Danni has to fight her off. Abby manages to get away, though. Because every single person in this movie is a fucking idiot.

Or fucking idiots. Abby does quite a bit of that.

I was really looking forward to this. I know Katrina Bowden’s forays into horror have been unimpressive, but I still like her. And if nothing else, I was expecting a bit of a titty-fest. That would have been nice.

But instead, we get the odd shot of Abby’s T, A, and V. But they’re few and far between. And certainly not as gratuitous as the original posters would have suggested.

I didn’t expect the story to be worth much. All Nurse 3D had to deliver on was the titillation. And it couldn’t even do that.

What’s the fucking point, then?

 

Why I hate this movie:

The true star of this movie is Paz de la Huerta’s complete inability to act. She’s got the body (with one exception, which I’ll get to), but holy fucking Christ on a croissant, she cannot act. I think this owes a lot to her seeming attempt to suppress any trace of an accent, which she fails at spectacularly. Her method was “sound as dull as possible.” Well, you got that right, honey.

The body exception is her face. This is mean, and call me a misogynist shitlord, but Paz de la Huerta in this movie is the queen of the butterfaces. This is bizarrely accentuated by the apparent cruelty of the makeup team to give her fucking nothing to work with. She wears barely a trace of makeup the entire movie. Which kind of clashes with the whole “extreme murderous vamp sex kitten” thing her outfits are going for. What the fuck happened? Let the girl have some eyeliner, at least.

Aside from Paz, the rest of the cast is surprisingly not shithouse. Which is frustrating. Martin Donovan gets a small look-in as Danni’s step-father. Corbin Bleu is no Oscar winner, but he’s alright. Ditto Katrina Bowden. Kathleen bloody Turner gets a cameo as the director of the nursing program. Niecy Nash can join Paz on the reject pile, though. You’re not Sherri Shepherd, Niecy. Stop trying.

The world of Nurse seems to be some heightened reality deal. The nurses all dress like glamour models, high heels included. Yet apart from the absurd elements, the rest of the world is played very straight.

Most of the blood splatter is badly done CGI. Scream 4 had very well done CGI blood splatter, and it was still terrible. Is it really that hard to just bust out some squibs? It worked in the 80s, guys.

Boris Kodjoe gets a nothing role as a frustratingly incompetent detective. He almost catches Abby at the end, but is somehow defeated by Abby’s lovestruck, nerdy neighbour.

I understand Abby is no hero, but her philosophy about murdering philandering men is flawed. She claims she’s doing it so the women and children in their lives will be better off. Yes, I’m sure that guy’s wife and kids will not be eternally scarred by their husband’s/father’s gory murder. Totes.

Abby shits on EMTs, saying they’re only in that job because they couldn’t get into a “real” healthcare job. Fuck you, cunt.

Danni and Abby have sex one night when Danni gets roofied or something. In a post Black Swan world, the absence of a satisfying sex scene, particularly in a movie that is presumably about titillation, is criminal.

Oh, and the stinger ending is that Abby, having escaped, moves onto a new hospital under the identity of the perky HR girl she murdered from the one in this movie. Yes, I’m sure nobody will find it suspicious that the woman who disappeared during a murder spree has turned up elsewhere with no explanation. Paz’s no-accent attempt is even more ineffective in this role, too.

 

But it’s not all bad:

You do get to see some T, A, and V. V more than once, too. Praise where praise is due.

Despite the repeated CGI blood splatters, the gore isn’t all disappointing. The scene where Abby cuts off a horny doctor’s arm is pretty great. It reminded me fondly of the one good scene from Girls Against Boys (I didn’t know I had a thing for amputation).

Paz’s fucked up behaviour is occasionally fun. She cums after she sees Martin get killed in a car crash that she engineered. How very Drawn Together.

And once shit hits the fan, she punches Niecy Nash in the face. She’s fulfilling all our dreams.

To my surprise, Danni turns out to not be a ditzy piece of trash. She diligently tries to bring attention to Abby, and is able to work most of her problems out herself. She also has to save Steve from danger. So progressive.

Her fight with Abby in the climax is pretty epic. They rumble throughout a chase through the hospital. Danni impresses again by actually stopping to help people that Abby attacks to distract her along the way. Abby actually gets away because Danni stops to help instead of fucking everything off and being a single-minded action hero. It’s a shame that you lost her, but I appreciate the effort.

Abby shows some dimension when it’s shown she doesn’t blindly hate all men. She only hates cheaters.

Abby’s back story is that she and her mother walked in on her dad fucking someone else when she was 8 years old. Abby slit his throat on the spot. Aww, so cute.

Steve gets stabbed in the neck. I don’t know why I wanted to see Corbin Bleu get stabbed in the neck, but I enjoyed it.

Oh, and Abby manages to get away because she pretends that Boris pulling a gun on her to arrest her is actually a mugging, and the nerdy neighbour comes to her rescue. You smooth bitch.

 

Verdict:

I expected a sexy, violent, indulgent slasher movie. What I got was a bottle of half-explored clich├ęs and a couple of V shots. It’s something, I suppose. 2 out of 5 stars.

Nurse 3D Abby and Danni kiss

Needs more Nashville.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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