Glee Season 5 Episode 9 – TV Review
I was wondering why the past almost-3 months of my life had been so serene.
Oh, well. Glee is my favourite whipping boy.
And there’s a Kurt + Adam Lambert song?
TL;DR They are awful, fyi. Rachel and Santana fight because Santana becomes her understudy; Tina and Artie slapfight each other over winning valedictorian; Kurt is threatened by Adam because Kurt is a fucking paranoid psychopath.
I think that’s just his inferiority complex. Or simply his inferiority?
So the episode title is “Frenemies,” which means it’s time for some fighting. I can get on board with that. The main one is the Santana/Rachel situation. Santana becomes jealous of Rachel/disenchanted with her stalling dreams, so decides to just steal Rachel’s. She wins the position of understudy on Funny Girl, because apparently random kids from Ohio are the only people in New York who are able to sing competently in a Broadway audition. Rachel sees Santana’s parasitic advance for what it is; Santana is haughty. The usual. Rachel ends up slapping her and storming out of the apartment. Meanwhile, Kurt pulls “be mad at Adam again” out of his bag of plots, and becomes convinced that Adam is trying to steal the band from him. After a whole lotta nothing, he and Kurt work things out. And over at McKinley, Artie and Tina become embroiled in a contest for valedictorian. Things get ugly, and they both place their friendship above the competition and forfeit.
Which means Blaine gets it. Where did I put my noose, again?
Surprisingly, the Frenemies angle isn’t a total groan. Artie and Tina’s thing is about 3 seasons too late, and Kurt’s is the token filler arc.
But the animosity between Rachel and Santana makes sense, and could provide some very enjoyable drama.
If you can accept the fact that nobody notices the disparity between Santana and Rachel’s vocal talent.
Why I hate this episode:
This is painfully exposed when Santana chooses Don’t Rain On My Parade as her audition song for the understudy part. And not a different version, or even an abridged version. An excruciatingly long rendition, which is much, much, much, much worse than Rachel’s version. Carlisle Cullen doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. But he had to let go of all notion of sensory distress to survive being in 5 Twilight movies, so you can’t really blame him.
Rachel goes on a supposedly crazy rant at the end of the episode, claiming that now that Santana is her understudy, that she will be sabotaged. Knowing Santana, that’s a very rational concern. Kurt doesn’t back her up.
That’s because he’s too much of a self-centred jerk. If he showed even one crumb of altruism, Glee would evaporate out of existence.
His selfishness isn’t his greatest crime this episode, though. No, he and Adam go guitar shopping, and to show just how guitar-y their day is, they decide to sing The Darkness’ I Believe In A Thing Called Love. Which makes this episode the 3rd Glee episode in a row to be crowned with the Worst Glee Song Ever title (The Fox and Chipmunk Christmas Travesty, please step down). Keep ’em rolling, Ryan.
Early in the episode, Rachel pulls some strings so Santana can appear as a background model in Rachel’s New York Magazine cover shoot. Later, Santana acts like receiving that was equivalent to getting cunt punted. Bitch, your friend went out of her way to get you on a fucking magazine cover. That’s goddamn ungrateful.
Sue makes a crack about how she’s going to dry heave bile over Tina and Artie’s mutual forfeits. Umm, so that wouldn’t be very dry heaving, then, would it? Unless Glee exists in some alternate universe where bile is powdered.
After being handed valedictorian, Blaine makes a remark about how he kinda just gets everything he wants. Normally I’d be up for some 4th wall leaning, but not with you, Blaine. Please just do what Quinn never could and die in a car crash.
During an argument, Artie claims that sometime between school years (read: seasons) Tina turned into a completely different person. Oh, honey, that’s just bad writing.
During a later, singing, argument, Tina gets a little too aggressive with her dance moves and accidentally tips Artie out of his wheelchair. According to the glee club’s reactions, this is Holocaust-level offensive. For fuck’s sake, guys. It was clearly an accident. Settle down. Jesus.
In Santana’s fantasy, models sing during a photoshoot. No, bitch. That makes weird mouth shapes.
Artie is selfish with regards to the valedictorian tie. Tina asks him to throw the contest so she can get some edge on her struggling college application. Artie’s already got his acceptance, but evidently his ego means more than his best friend’s future. Rude.
There are 2 solos for Nationals. Artie’s chair mishap occurs while he and Tina are competing for one. Guess who’s already guaranteed the other one? It starts with “B” and ends with “pathetic excuse for a character and human being laine.” The “pathetic excuse for a character and human being” is silent. Unfortunately.
Rachel throws some racism glitter when she says Santana is unsuitable for the Funny Girl role because she’s not a Jew. God, Rachel. Just attack her singing ability, instead. Dummy.
Oh, and Kurt posts a selfie of him and Adam after they’ve cleared up Kurt’s jealous insanity. Blaine sees it online and immediately assumes there’s trouble afoot. Of course.
But it’s not all bad:
Santana and Rachel’s drama provides some heated moments. Best of all is the bitch slap Rachel gives to Santana, following a long and cruel speech by Santana about how Rachel has always been dog shit compared to her.
And there appears to be no reprieve for the situation, as Carlisle tells them that their “2 girls from same town make it together on Broadway” story is great for PR. But he doesn’t want them fighting in public. I’ll be impressed if Santana can keep her mouth shut for long.
Earlier in the episode, Santana genuinely appears to be valuing her friendship with Rachel, too. So it’s pretty sad to see things go so badly. Sad, and juicy.
Sue brings a requisitely vicious presence to the McKinley plot line. She gets second best line of the episode when she is part of the judging panel for the speech-off between Tina and Artie: “I hate you both.” Definitely.
She also bans them from doing songs for their speeches, which was welcome.
Best line of the episode goes to Artie, who has obviously been keeping this burn for Tina in his bank: “Says the hag who vapo-raped Blaine.” Tina hits back by saying that he’s only dating Kitty for popularity points. Nice try.
Sue calls Tina no-ones favourite New Direction. I don’t know. What about Unique?
Oh, and I hope Santana gets a chance to bitch slap Rachel back. Fair’s fair, ladies.