The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 13 – TV Review

TVD Katherine Stefan eye roll

“Why do I want to get back with him?”

A entirely Elena-free episode.

This is what dreams are made of.

TL;DR Katherine is still incognito; Damon and Enzo are still being bad bitches; Bonnie comes across a new witch at college; Matt figures out Katherine’s game, but Nadia is on top of him; Wes is still kicking and still playing doctor.


So our plot finally remembers that a bunch of our main characters are in college. Katherine (still posing as Elena), Bonnie and Caroline return to classes. But you know what’s more important than school? Going to a party. Katherine invites Stefan along to the Bitter Ball (a ball for bitter, single people. Not that I’d know anything about that) and basically throws herself at him. This gets annoyingly interrupted when Damon shows up. He and Enzo are still on a Whitmore/Augustine killing spree, and need a witch to use a locator spell to find Wes. Unfortunately, Bonnie is still impotent, so they kidnap and hold Jeremy hostage until she finds them a witch who can suffice. Bonnie does, and she does. Stefan and Katherine (reluctantly for Katherine) save Jeremy, and Damon and Enzo fall into a trap laid by Wes and Sloane, a new, Traveller benefactor. Meanwhile in Mystic Falls, Nadia is on Katherine’s speed dial so she can compel deets about Elena out of Matt. Tyler cottons on, but Nadia threatens Matt into deterring him. Nadia also wants to bang Matt.

Gregor’s dead, honey. Accept it.

I’m still not happy about Katherine’s major impetus in life being trying to win Stefan back. Katherine Pierce is worth more than that.

What really gives me the shits, though, is how much Katherine apparently loves being Elena. Yes, it’s mostly for the material aspects, but anyone who admires Elena’s life is simply wrong.

Sorry, my love. You’re wrong.


Why I hate this episode:

Damon’s jump into the deep end of villainy is overkill. He’s willing to kill Jeremy just 1 episode after “Elena” dumped him? The Vampire Diaries has spent the last 3 and a half seasons trying to convince us that Damon is more than just a murderous baddie. I’m gonna need a little more time to reset to season 1 Damon. As fantastic as he is.

I’m also sick of Enzo already. Get a love interest or something. Jesus. I’d like to hold hope that maybe he’s developed some kind hate-fuelled romantic fascination for Damon, but this is TVD. There are no gays in Mystic Falls. Or could college be a time for experimentation? But seriously, Enzo. You’re boring.

I suspect there’s a snippet of dialogue I’m forgetting, but I don’t remember Bonnie losing her witch powers. If a more rabid TVD die hard could fill me in, that’d be great.

The new witch (whose name I didn’t pick up, so I will refer to her as New Witch) is white. What?

Travellers are bloody everywhere now. A pack of them join up with Wes to help him continue his experiments. They also subdue Damon and Enzo when they come knocking. It’s just like werewolves. Season 1: “Werewolves are so rare we don’t even think they exist.” Season 3: “Werewolves are on sale at the 99c store, y’all.”

Stefan wastes a perfectly good opportunity to decapitate Enzo. His laxity almost results in the death of Jeremy, so good work there, Stef. Being merciful has really been a solid game plan all these years, hey?

Nadia has no excuse for forgetting Tyler can hear her conversation with Matt with his vampire hearing. She knows he’s a hybrid. Actually, the show often forgets about vampire hearing whenever it’s convenient. so I suppose I shouldn’t expect any better of the characters.

Caroline shreds the drawing Klaus made of her and a horse. Fuck you, cunt. That was special.

Stefan has some spiel about how he gradually managed to abandon his feelings for Elena so Damon could be with her, because Elena made Damon a better person. Pssh, be selfish, baby. Katherine is ready to go. Just do it.

Oh, and fucking Matt is the first person to figure out that Katherine is inside Elena (he doesn’t know Elena is gone yet. That will be a fun surprise). What a goddamn insult.


But it’s not all bad:

The best moment of the episode comes when Katherine calls Nadia to ask her if it’s okay to just let Enzo kill Jeremy and not try to stop him. Disappointingly, Nadia reminds her that Elena would never ever do that, so she has to make the effort to save him. Katherine is mad about it. Both because she has to save someone she doesn’t care about, and she misses out on the dead brother sympathy points. She is everything to me.

When they track Jeremy down, Enzo has already suffocated him with a plastic bag, so Katherine has to give him mouth to mouth. This is beautiful because she is disgusted by having to put her mouth on Jeremy. And it also is probably the closest we’ll ever get to seeing the Katherine/Jeremy ship become a reality. I’ll take it.

Best line of the episode goes to Katherine, via text message to Nadia. She’s just heard about Damon going on a rampage with Enzo, and she needs some research: “Who the hell is Enzo?” Direct.

Katherine has to feign distress at the news of Jeremy’s kidnapping. It’s a sight to behold. It’s not quite Liz Lemon tier eye rolling, but she’s no slouch.

New Witch is played by Penelope Mitchell, who is both Radha Mitchell’s cousin, and Letha from the superb Hemlock Grove. I hope this won’t conflict.

Even though Wes is hopping ship to The Flash, I’m glad to see him still mincing around and causing trouble. With Sloane, his new Traveller buddy, he’s doing some good work. He injects Damon with the cannibal vampire serum. As long as Caroline and Katherine are taken off the victim table, I’m happy for him to rip it up.

And he’s off to a good start, attacking a vampire experiment that Wes left in the abandoned hospital so aggressively that he bites through his neck and his head pops off. Cute! Even Enzo is like “Woah, dude.”

Nadia hasn’t decided what she’s going to do with Matt yet. I’m assuming it will involve angry sex. And then hopefully some post-vervain compulsion to shut him the fuck up again.

New Witch is extremely powerful and has never had any instruction before. She’s like Davina, but blonde and not dead yet.

Caroline looks hot at the ball.

Nobody really cares about Aaron’s death, which is probably for the best.

Oh, and Katherine’s version of CPR is just bitch pummelling Jeremy until he wakes up. It’s the best she can do.

TVD Katherine mouth to mouth Jeremy resuscitate

Anywhere that Bonnie’s been is worse. No exceptions.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

7 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 13 – TV Review”

  1. Alisha says :

    How dare u Caroline. Your relationship with klaus is the only thing that makes you relevant anymore! And now you’re all oh my god I can’t believe Elena is hopping on stefans dick again! Bitch! U have been whining about how Elena should have chose stefan for 2 seasons. It’s truly maddening.

    Sorry for the outburst. I have clearly invested too much emotion into this show over the years. I was also thinking last week that bonnie should know katherine isn’t dead because she never actually went “thru her” or whatever, right? And isn’t there some sort of rule that u can’t be a witch and another super natural being at the same time? Tho I could have just made that up in my mind.

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      If Caroline doesn’t want Klaus, then she doesn’t deserve the right to want things. She obviously has no idea what she wants if she’s discouraging Elena from getting back with Stefan. I’m still miffed that she shredded that drawing.

  2. Lydia says :

    My prediction is that Damon will kill Enzo, then wangst about it, which will make Elena resurface out of love (-_-“) Or something.

    And last episode was just the Damon episode for me, haha. I know you don’t like him that much, but he’s my favourite. Especially when he’s like this. I lol’d pretty much the whole time he was screwing around with the rest of the characters.
    Bonnie was like, “Stahp!” and he was like, “Nu.”

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