American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 13 – TV Review

American Horror Story Coven Madison Kyle kiss

“Mainly because I’m the one inside your head making you do it.”

Madison is basically Alison Dilaurentis.

That crossover begs.

TL;DR Fucking Cordelia turns out to be the next Supreme; Madison is a bitch and Kyle kills her; Fiona faked her death, but then dies for real anyway; Cordelia makes witches known to the public and the school flourishes.

It’s a happy ending for every character except the cool ones. What happened to you, American Horror Story?

So it’s time for Misty, Zoe, Madison and Queenie to duke it out and see who the next Supreme is. After a couple of easy rounds, Misty falls during the astral projection/go inside your own mental Hell test and dies. Zoe fucks up during the transportation (teleportation) test and accidentally impales herself, also dying. Queenie then proves unable to resurrect her, leaving Madison as the only viable candidate for Supreme. But then Myrtle’s like “Yo Cordelia, you’re the next Supreme, you know?” And Cordelia’s like “Oh yeah.” Madison is unable to pass the test of divination, which Cordelia is able to do with ease, and storms off. Kyle murders Madison for refusing to resurrect Zoe. Myrtle forces Cordelia to burn her at the stake for that eye-scream offence she committed a while ago. And just before Cordelia opens the school to its flood of new recruits, Fiona shows up to have a chat. Unfortunately, instead of trying to kill Cordelia and regain Supremehood, Fiona just dies.

And she has bad, dying person hair. The ultimate insult.

It still beats last season’s sputtering epilogue of a final episode, but I was pretty pissed off that the only characters to survive were Cordelia, Zoe, Queenie, and Kyle. The boresome foursome.

Every cool character met horrible ends. Yes, they were fun ends, but this is American Horror Story. It shouldn’t have to pander to narrative expectations of every villain getting their comeuppance.

Disappointing.

 

Why I hate this episode:

I’d wager that I’m just fatigued in general with American Horror Story. There are only so many Dutch angles I can take.

Fiona’s non-death-but-then-death was just pointless. She reveals her nefarious scheme of implanting the Axeman with a false memory for Cordelia to read. But when she confronts Cordelia, she doesn’t do anything. She actually asks (apparently genuinely) Cordelia to kill her. Why didn’t you just let the Axeman do that, honey?

Then instead of having any kind of operatic death sequence, like Jessica Lange goddamn deserves, she just falls limp in Fiona’s arms. Pathetic.

And then, to further poop on things, Fiona ends up in her own personal Hell, which is a dull, meaningless life in a house with the Axeman and no booze. Papa Legba laughs at her, which doesn’t really make any sense either. I thought he only constructed Kathy and Angela’s hells because they were products of his magic?

Cordelia sweeping in and claiming Supreme was frustrating bullshit. We were built up the whole season to expect American Horror Story to finally choose its Supreme from the established pool of candidates, then it cops out and avoids making the decision. That’s weak. And weak is not something American Horror Story should be.

Kyle kills Madison. Rude. I don’t see him killing Cordelia for not resurrecting Zoe straight away.

Misty’s mind Hell is pretty banal. It’s just her in biology class resurrecting the dissection frog. Then the teacher gets mad and forces her to kill it. Killing an innocent creature is apparently the ultimate abomination to Misty, and the Hell makes it loop forever. Pfft. Whatever. Get over it.

And when she doesn’t return from it, her body turns to dust? What?

If Zoe’s dumb enough to impale herself while teleporting, then she doesn’t deserve to live.

Going public about witches is all cool with the general populace, I guess? Yeah, right.

The horde of applicants are not treated with suspicion by anyone. You could assume the girls will be tested to see if they actually are witches and not just 14 year old emo girls from tumblr, but nobody mentions it.

Sick Fiona looks like shit. Unacceptable.

Oh, and what the fuck, Myrtle? You fucking martyr. God. You didn’t have to die, let alone have it done like that. Again.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Getting to watch Madison beat Zoe, Queenie and Misty in the race to Supreme was pretty fucking satisfying. And who needs divination anyway? The only important object in my life is my iPhone, and I can just ring that if I can’t find it. Unless it’s on silent. Oh god.

Getting to watch Zoe accidentally impale herself on the school’s fence was also pretty fantastic. What a dumb bitch. I always knew it.

I was genuinely shocked that Misty was the first candidate eliminated. So American Horror Story got me there. Touché.

Misty at least got to see Stevie Knicks again. Which was a blessing to us all, really. She comes back in the opening sequence and sings a song.

Even if it was entirely useless, Fiona faking her own death was incredibly badass. Not only did she fake her own death, but she tricked the man who loved her into walking into his own suicide by planting the memory of him “murdering” her (the coven killed the crap out of him, if you’ve forgotten). That’s cold. That’s Jessica Lange in American Horror Story cold.

Best line of the episode goes to Madison, who is severely lacking in compassion following Zoe’s death. When Queenie can’t resurrect her, Madison knows what’s really important in the situation: “Guess who isn’t Supreme after all.” She’s committed to her priorities.

Kyle gets second best line. He’s choking Madison to death, and she desperately admits she loves him and that’s why she didn’t resurrect Zoe. He doesn’t buy it and crushes her out: “You’re not that good an actress.” I like to think that was meant for Emma Roberts IRL, too.

Fiona gets an honourable mention when she’s reassuring Cordelia about her future as Supreme: “God knows you’ll do a better job of it than I ever did. Though you won’t look half as good doing it.” Backhanded compliments are the only way to compliment.

When Myrtle insists that Madison resurrect Zoe to prove she has that particular wonder under control, Madison instead swats a fly out of the air and demonstrates her power of resurgence on it, instead. Boom.

Madison’s mind Hell is being stuck in a live, network production of The Sound of Music. In a supporting role. Good god, no!

Queenie has elephant earrings. One last fat joke for the road.

Cordelia repairs her eyes. Because a Supreme is the picture of health. That’s ableist as fuck, which means I fucking love it.

Kyle Secor is a reporter who interviews Cordelia about witches. Veronica Mars represent.

Fiona gets her hair back in her Hell. That’s nice.

During the mind control challenge, Madison makes Kyle kiss her. And lick her shoe. Fabulous.

Oh, and the ending shot mirrors the ending shot of Asylum: a close up on Sarah Paulson. This one’s a bit happier, though.

American Horror Story Coven Seven Wonders Cordelia Supreme

“I’ll get that Bloodyface.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

12 responses to “American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 13 – TV Review”

  1. Amadan says :

    so disappointing.
    you are the only supreme i would follow

  2. hikonico says :

    This season was very underwhelming. It didn’t have a clear focus of what it wanted the audience to feel. There’s one thing that I don’t understand. To be a supreme you need to be in perfect condition and Cordelia was the new supreme. Why was it that in the begining of the season she physically could not have children? I don’t get it. and AHS seems to like punishing the most interesting characters in the show. Misty, Madison, and Fiona. Its a shame that Misty died in her own personal hell. Oh well.

  3. Maree says :

    I didn’t understand why the writers made Fiona’s hell ‘not getting along with your bf forever! And you forget every morning!’ Wouldn’t her hell be repeatedly aging and dying? Or losing her power over and over? She literally said that is her fear a minute before she died. She hardly even cared about the Axeman, so why was he significant in her hell? I would imagine her having to wake up beautiful every morning, only to age and deteriorate throughout the day, as she had to watch Cordelia become more powerful and beautiful.

    I thought Cordelia and Zoe and Queenie and Madison’s respective hells were equally as lame as Misty’s. With all the death and destruction they’ve seen, their collective worst nightmares are not getting mother’s approval, getting dumped, selling chicken, playing a crappy supporting role, and dissecting frogs? Cordelia’s could have been watching all her sister witches die because of her negligence or actually being manipulated and murdered by Fiona again and again. Zoe’s could have been killing Kyle with sex (oh wait they forgot she does that…) forever or just being completely alone. Queenie’s could be repeatedly being torn apart by the scary ass Minotaur that almost murdered her or watching Nan be drowned each day with no ability to revive her. Madison’s could be the blackness she was so afraid of seeing again when she first died, or reliving her freaking gang rape for eternity. Misty’s could have been burning at the stake, regenerating, only to be burned again, or being entombed in a coffin forever.

    Their hells seemed unpleasant for sure, but definitely not HELLISH.

    PS. I love your reviews! (Especially of AHS and Glee) Sometimes I even read your coverage of shows I don’t watch haha

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      Sometimes I wish I had the fortitude to simply not watch Glee. But I just have to know. It’s Twilight syndrome.

      And I guess American Horror Story put all their actual hellishness into Angela and Kathy’s. Misty, Zoe, Madison and Queenie seem to be more of a rush job.

      And while Fiona’s isn’t the absolute worst thing that we could imagine for her, I would agree that waking up every morning to be reminded that you are in fact as ordinary as dirt would be very bleak.

      And no booze? That’s true Hell.

  4. Catherine Dream says :

    I watched it. Hey, it was the finale.
    Underwhelmed.
    I prefer your post to the actual episode, as usual.
    Also, Zoe? She seriously should NOT be resurrected, what dumb shit, she gets impaled while TELEPORTING on ground level, like all the other girls?

  5. Teylen says :

    About the stuff regarding hell.
    I did consider Fionas hell a fit. She wasn’t interested in Axeman, she hated the country life and didn’t want it for a second, she has no powers that work and she won’t ever get to learn how her daughter ended up. That does suck pretty much.
    Regarding Madisons,… I did consider that she simply did not tell the truth and came up with something the others may see fit.

    The thing about getting to be a supreme obviously removes any health issues.
    Well, so far the only two stating it to be a no-go were Fiona and Cordelia, the explanation that it’s a make over came from Myrtle.

    I didn’t like that she managed to get herself burned again (Without resurrection). oO;
    They already burned her for the murders, which should be enough.

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