American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 13 – TV Review
Madison is basically Alison Dilaurentis.
That crossover begs.
TL;DR Fucking Cordelia turns out to be the next Supreme; Madison is a bitch and Kyle kills her; Fiona faked her death, but then dies for real anyway; Cordelia makes witches known to the public and the school flourishes.
It’s a happy ending for every character except the cool ones. What happened to you, American Horror Story?
So it’s time for Misty, Zoe, Madison and Queenie to duke it out and see who the next Supreme is. After a couple of easy rounds, Misty falls during the astral projection/go inside your own mental Hell test and dies. Zoe fucks up during the transportation (teleportation) test and accidentally impales herself, also dying. Queenie then proves unable to resurrect her, leaving Madison as the only viable candidate for Supreme. But then Myrtle’s like “Yo Cordelia, you’re the next Supreme, you know?” And Cordelia’s like “Oh yeah.” Madison is unable to pass the test of divination, which Cordelia is able to do with ease, and storms off. Kyle murders Madison for refusing to resurrect Zoe. Myrtle forces Cordelia to burn her at the stake for that eye-scream offence she committed a while ago. And just before Cordelia opens the school to its flood of new recruits, Fiona shows up to have a chat. Unfortunately, instead of trying to kill Cordelia and regain Supremehood, Fiona just dies.
And she has bad, dying person hair. The ultimate insult.
It still beats last season’s sputtering epilogue of a final episode, but I was pretty pissed off that the only characters to survive were Cordelia, Zoe, Queenie, and Kyle. The boresome foursome.
Every cool character met horrible ends. Yes, they were fun ends, but this is American Horror Story. It shouldn’t have to pander to narrative expectations of every villain getting their comeuppance.
Why I hate this episode:
I’d wager that I’m just fatigued in general with American Horror Story. There are only so many Dutch angles I can take.
Fiona’s non-death-but-then-death was just pointless. She reveals her nefarious scheme of implanting the Axeman with a false memory for Cordelia to read. But when she confronts Cordelia, she doesn’t do anything. She actually asks (apparently genuinely) Cordelia to kill her. Why didn’t you just let the Axeman do that, honey?
Then instead of having any kind of operatic death sequence, like Jessica Lange goddamn deserves, she just falls limp in Fiona’s arms. Pathetic.
And then, to further poop on things, Fiona ends up in her own personal Hell, which is a dull, meaningless life in a house with the Axeman and no booze. Papa Legba laughs at her, which doesn’t really make any sense either. I thought he only constructed Kathy and Angela’s hells because they were products of his magic?
Cordelia sweeping in and claiming Supreme was frustrating bullshit. We were built up the whole season to expect American Horror Story to finally choose its Supreme from the established pool of candidates, then it cops out and avoids making the decision. That’s weak. And weak is not something American Horror Story should be.
Kyle kills Madison. Rude. I don’t see him killing Cordelia for not resurrecting Zoe straight away.
Misty’s mind Hell is pretty banal. It’s just her in biology class resurrecting the dissection frog. Then the teacher gets mad and forces her to kill it. Killing an innocent creature is apparently the ultimate abomination to Misty, and the Hell makes it loop forever. Pfft. Whatever. Get over it.
And when she doesn’t return from it, her body turns to dust? What?
If Zoe’s dumb enough to impale herself while teleporting, then she doesn’t deserve to live.
Going public about witches is all cool with the general populace, I guess? Yeah, right.
The horde of applicants are not treated with suspicion by anyone. You could assume the girls will be tested to see if they actually are witches and not just 14 year old emo girls from tumblr, but nobody mentions it.
Sick Fiona looks like shit. Unacceptable.
Oh, and what the fuck, Myrtle? You fucking martyr. God. You didn’t have to die, let alone have it done like that. Again.
But it’s not all bad:
Getting to watch Madison beat Zoe, Queenie and Misty in the race to Supreme was pretty fucking satisfying. And who needs divination anyway? The only important object in my life is my iPhone, and I can just ring that if I can’t find it. Unless it’s on silent. Oh god.
Getting to watch Zoe accidentally impale herself on the school’s fence was also pretty fantastic. What a dumb bitch. I always knew it.
I was genuinely shocked that Misty was the first candidate eliminated. So American Horror Story got me there. Touché.
Misty at least got to see Stevie Knicks again. Which was a blessing to us all, really. She comes back in the opening sequence and sings a song.
Even if it was entirely useless, Fiona faking her own death was incredibly badass. Not only did she fake her own death, but she tricked the man who loved her into walking into his own suicide by planting the memory of him “murdering” her (the coven killed the crap out of him, if you’ve forgotten). That’s cold. That’s Jessica Lange in American Horror Story cold.
Best line of the episode goes to Madison, who is severely lacking in compassion following Zoe’s death. When Queenie can’t resurrect her, Madison knows what’s really important in the situation: “Guess who isn’t Supreme after all.” She’s committed to her priorities.
Kyle gets second best line. He’s choking Madison to death, and she desperately admits she loves him and that’s why she didn’t resurrect Zoe. He doesn’t buy it and crushes her out: “You’re not that good an actress.” I like to think that was meant for Emma Roberts IRL, too.
Fiona gets an honourable mention when she’s reassuring Cordelia about her future as Supreme: “God knows you’ll do a better job of it than I ever did. Though you won’t look half as good doing it.” Backhanded compliments are the only way to compliment.
When Myrtle insists that Madison resurrect Zoe to prove she has that particular wonder under control, Madison instead swats a fly out of the air and demonstrates her power of resurgence on it, instead. Boom.
Madison’s mind Hell is being stuck in a live, network production of The Sound of Music. In a supporting role. Good god, no!
Queenie has elephant earrings. One last fat joke for the road.
Cordelia repairs her eyes. Because a Supreme is the picture of health. That’s ableist as fuck, which means I fucking love it.
Kyle Secor is a reporter who interviews Cordelia about witches. Veronica Mars represent.
Fiona gets her hair back in her Hell. That’s nice.
During the mind control challenge, Madison makes Kyle kiss her. And lick her shoe. Fabulous.
Oh, and the ending shot mirrors the ending shot of Asylum: a close up on Sarah Paulson. This one’s a bit happier, though.