Girls Against Boys – Film Review

Girls Against Boys Danielle Panabaker

Just kidding. He didn’t make the movie. But he does possess a penis, which is all these two need to justify murder.

I had a pretty good time with my last revenge film.

But the good times stop here.

TL;DR Barely qualifying as a revenge film, Girls Against Boys is a pathetic grind of a movie. The leading ladies are emotionless, expressionless, motivationless dullards. A slight dash of gore is the only thing about this movie that isn’t a total waste of time. 1 out of 5 stars.

It’s shit, is what I’m saying.

The plot concerns Danielle Panabaker, a boring young woman who has a bar tending job she doesn’t like and an older, married boyfriend who dumps her to go back to his wife and daughter. A colleague with red hair (who I will be calling Red because I don’t remember her name) takes her out to cheer her up, and naturally Danielle ends up raped by a dude. But hey, ‘sall good, because Red is a homicidal maniac, and Danielle is evidently not opposed to homicidal mania, so the two of them embark on a petty revenge quest against any penis-bearing human in their way. Danielle eventually longs for a dick that isn’t cold and dead, and gets herself a date and tries to distance herself from Red. Red reacts poorly (homicidally. Duh), so Danielle kills her. The movie ends when Danielle inexplicably becomes a Red to a new, downtrodden girl.

Sisters are doing it for themselves. And “it” is being fuckheads.

I don’t know what Girls Against Boys was trying to be. I thought it was supposed to be a genre-schlock revenge film, but that would require our protagonists to be at least 1% likeable. And for their revenge to be somewhere in the ballpark of proportionate.

If not a revenge film, then what? The endless lingering shots of Danielle Panabaker’s nothing face imply we’re intended to be getting some sort of deep, inspiring meaning out of this. But there’s nothing there.

Just two stupid girls who like playing with guns.

 

Why I hate this movie:

The movie doesn’t even know how to have any fun with it. Everything is so detached and serious. The girls make an honest attempt when torturing Senór Rapist, but it’s shortlived. When Red lures Danielle’s date at the Halloween party, that’s almost fun, too. But then it, too, is over too soon and we barely see her nick him with the sword.

A couple of severed feet aren’t enough to keep me hangin’ on.

Conversely, when Danielle kills Red, she barely brushes her with the tip of the sword, which is apparently sufficient to cut through every juicy artery inside Red. She gushes blood profusely until she dies. It’s absurd.

And if the sword was really that sharp and honed, why the hell was Red bashing it against that microphone stand earlier. That’s irresponsible.

Having seen Danielle Panabaker in other things, I know she is capable of emoting more than she does here. But for whatever reason, she doesn’t. And to be harsh, her face isn’t that exciting on its own to have so much lingering time devoted to it.

Danielle acts like a fuckin’ dick to Senór Rapist pre-rape. She clubs it up and drinks and flirts with him all night. Hell, she even goes back to his friends’ place with him. Then after he’s dropped her home, she’s too dumb to come up with any excuse to brush him off apart from “I have a boyfriend.” Say no to cock-teasing, everyone. Not that an appropriate response to that is rape, but Danielle was kind of a huge bitch.

Her married boyfriend didn’t deserve to be killed. At all. Danielle had all the facts except for that he had a daughter, but really she’s just pissed off because he broke up with her. What a loser.

She also acts like him trying to have rough sex with her is equal to the rape from Senór Rape. He just misinterpreted some very mixed messages you were giving him, honey. And he stopped right away. For fuck’s sake, you little brat.

The girls kill the friends of Senór Rapist. Because… they happened to be friends with someone and they probably didn’t even know he was a rapist?

They have a bizarre conversation about the health benefits of Cap’n Crunch. I really hope that was a paid product placement.

Oh, and Red says “I love you” to Danielle before she dies. Because what garbage thriller movie like this would be complete without some unsubstantiated homoeroticism?

 

But it’s not all bad:

The girls kiss when they’re drunk while clubbing. That’s cool, right?

Red gets naked.

Red’s anime schoolgirl/whatever Halloween outfit is cute. Danielle does a decent Minnie Mouse, too.

Best line goes to Danielle. She is unable to execute her married boyfriend herself, so Red does it. Danielle shows a crumb of self-awareness: “He didn’t do anything.” Ya think?

Red responds with the delectably pretentious “Everybody did something.” Wow, who knew philosophy was so simple?

Oh, and the only scene that wasn’t a train wreck was the bit where they cut off Senór Rapist’s feet. Then they untie his arms and say he can go. Trollol.

 

Verdict:

God, what a trashbag of a movie. Let’s hope The Flash works out for Danielle Panabaker so she can stay away from any further poop like this. 1 out of 5 stars.

Girls Against Boys Danielle Panabaker expressionless

Girl has less facial expression range than Victoria Grayson.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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