American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 9 – TV Review

American Horror Story Coven Myrtle eye scoop

“I’ll take your paralysed horror as a ‘yes.'”

Myrtle is a twisted old bitch.

Fiona hasn’t got the monopoly on that anymore, I guess.

TL;DR Myrtle forcibly obtains some new eyes for Cordelia; Fiona fixes Kyle up so he can be the school’s guard dog; Nan learns that Patti murdered her husband; Queenie tries to teach Kathy about black people; Hubby begins his total assault at Angela’s place.

And does a pretty good job of it, for the most part.

The plot this episode is kind of a showcase for ol’ Hubby. We get some flashbacks about how he was taught to be a witch hunter by his father. These days his dad is a big wig for the witch hunting corporation Hubby works for, and it turns out Hubby couldn’t cut it as a proper witch hunter, and is more of an intel drone. Determined to fulfill his destiny, and against the corporation’s instructions, he opens fire at Angela’s hairdresser shop, killing everyone except Angela and Queenie. He does wound Queenie, and she manages to use her powers to defeat him (by eating a bullet. Stylishly), but Angela turning up alone at the school at the end suggests she didn’t pull through. Meanwhile, Myrtle gets her hands (and melon baller) on some new eyes for Cordelia. She takes them from the other witch council members who she evidently was not a huge fan of (that little burning at the stake might have had something to do with it). Meanwhile, Fiona stumbles upon Kyle and mostly repairs his mind so he can help guard the school. Meanwhile, Nan makes a break through with Patti. Until Luke mind-tells her about how God has shown him the truth about his father’s death: Patti murdered him. And before the shoot ’em up, Queenie sets down Kathy’s head in front of Roots on the TV and some soulful music in an effort to punt the racism out of her.

She makes some progress.

Well, the dull episodes appear to be well and truly behind us.

Bitches are dying all over the place this episode. There’s everyone in Angela’s shop, (presumably) Queenie, the 2 council members, and Patti smothers Luke near the end of the episode.

Oh, and a dog that zombie Kyle kills. The bastard.


Why I hate this episode:

And Fiona likes that he killed the dog. Because it shows that he’d be a better dog. It’s a dog eat dog world.

I know Queenie was probably surprised that a gunman had come flying into the hairdresser shop, but why didn’t she use her voodoo doll powers when Hubby shot her? I’m thinking that she must have to self-inflict the wounds on herself for it to work, but unless I missed her stating exactly how it works, I wouldn’t mind some clarification on that.

I don’t buy at all that Kathy is suddenly able to be moved by the black person’s plight because of some stock footage and a song. This is a woman who killed a baby and used it for face cream. Then again, maybe being a disembodied head has changed her perspective on some things.

Angela makes fun of (thank god she’s wearing one) Fiona’s wig. Bitch, she looks good. And criticising someone for having a head full of fake hair? Pot. Kettle. Black.

The Patti stuff comes out of nowhere and is irritatingly tangential. I don’t really care. Apparently, neither does Patti, who just murders her son when she knows he knows. Unless she tries to bring that energy to Nan to protect her secret, I’m not interested.

Patti is also very easily convinced that Nan and the girls are witches, and to let them hang around. If she’s religiously zealous enough to give her adult son an enema, she should be determined enough to fuck a couple of bratty skanks off.

Now that she’s got some jeepin’ creepin’ new peepers, Cordelia has lost her psychic sight ability. Damn. That shit was handy.

Oh, and Hubby appeared to actually care about Cordelia. It’s a shame to see him go. He was quite nice to look at, too. Better than Kyle.


But it’s not all bad:

He goes out with a bang. Yes, you read that correctly. I’m that predictable.

He does a good job of shooting shit up at the hairdresser shop, even (presumably) bumping off Queenie, an important character. When he’s cornered Angela, she actually displays real fear. That’s a monumental accomplishment.

Myrtle unexpectedly steals the show, displaying how delightfully unhinged she is. She invites the 2 council members over and puts up with them trying to somehow smooth over the fact that they burned her at the stake. She’s a step ahead, though, and paralyses them via their dinner. She then goes straight in for an eye each for dear Cordelia.

And to top it all off, we get a brief cutaway of her disposing of the bodies, gleefully carving them up and dissolving them in a vat of acid. Classic.

Having listened to my bitching from last episode, Myrtle reminds us that she hasn’t forgotten about Fiona’s burnable crime of harming Madison. When she threatens Fiona with it, Fiona threatens to banish her. Cordelia manages to get them to cool their jets and focus on the real enemy: the witch hunters. If Fiona and Myrtle really were working together, god… Can you imagine the fabulosity?

Having Angela turn up at their doorstep at the end of the episode and seeking an alliance completes the holy bitch trinity.

Hubby’s dad shows an impressive amount of dimension. In the flashback, he is both disappointed that his son couldn’t pull the trigger, but seems genuinely concerned for him. As he is now, and as the boss of The Delphi Trust, he comes off much more as a Well Done Son Guy, admonishing his screw-up son for trying to do anything other than gather intel (and for falling in love with Cordelia). But when he’s viewing photos of his son’s splattered brains, he weeps. It’s nice when TV shows don’t just phone it in with minor characters.

We find out that The Delphi Trust was responsible for acid washing Cordelia’s face.

Queenie’s lesson for Kathy is adorable. Even if its effectiveness is unrealistic.

Angela lays down some serious voodoo pain on Hubby because his plan is taking too long (breaks bones, stabs him, slits his wrists). Bonus points for it backfiring: he just comes after you instead, honey.

Best line of the episode goes to Madison, who is disdainful of being at the hospital: “Ugh. Sick people really gross me out.” She’s brave enough to voice us.

Hubby and Fiona share second best line. Fiona and her new guard dog (the actual one. Not Kyle) bump into Hubby as he’s on his way out of the school:
Hubby: “You hate animals. And all living things.”
Fiona: “Well, that’s true.”
Own it. Be it.

The card game Fiona plays with the fixed-up Kyle is Gin. That’s my favourite drink, too (when I can afford something better than goon).

Patti killed her husband by bee-bombing him (he was allergic). PLL teaches.

Oh, and I should take a second to give props to Queenie for her method of dispatching Hubby. It’s as violent as it is food resembling.

American Horror Story Coven Queenie suicide gun mouth

I’ve had a lot of restraint with the fat jokes. I’ve earned this.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

6 responses to “American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 9 – TV Review”

  1. Evil Wizard says :

    Jesus, I love your blog!

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: