The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 9 – TV Review

TVD Elena Damon Augustine The Cell prison

Way to nail it, TVD.

Thought that whole “Damon’s traumatic past major-life-changing situation thing we’ve never heard of before” might not be a completely ass-pulled pile of puke?

I wish I was able muster that kind of optimism.

TL;DR Damon’s traumatic past life is an expositional deluge of bullshit; Caroline and Katherine are still helping Stefan deal with his PTSD; there’s no Bonnie.

Thank fuck. Ahhh.

Most of this episode’s plot is absorbed by the little Augustine kidnapping Damon undergoes. Elena goes to Aaron for help finding the missing Damon, but this leads to Wes (I’m name upgrading Doctor Evil. It’s long overdue) capturing her, too. While in side-by-side cells, Damon fills Elena in on the sitch: he spent 5 years (1953 to 1958) being torturously experimented on by a Doctor Whitmore of Augustine, whose goal was to harness the curative powers of vampire blood. Damon meets a 10-year long fellow prisoner named Enzo, and they plan their escape. The execution of the plan goes tits up, and Damon has to abandon Enzo to an inferno. He does resolve to systematically massacre generations of Whitmores, though, which is how Aaron’s parents ended up dead. Aaron, who has been filled in by Wes, is no help to Elena, naturally. Meanwhile in Mystic Falls, Stefan watches Katherine to stave off any further suicide attempts. To distract him, Katherine calls in Caroline to help him truly conqure his PTSD, using that ol’ safe for immersion therapy. Blah blah blah it works, and Katherine and Stefan hook up as a result.

He finally tuned in on the right doppelganger. Damon can keep his little knock-off named “Elena.”

I suppose I should be grateful that all the Damon/Augustine stuff gets ungraciously info-dumped in a single episode.

But I’m not, so there.


Why I hate this episode:

Jesus Christ, has TVD ever been this unsubtle about slopping on a new plot arc? So ugly. So un-chic.

Oddly, Damon more or less glosses over the whole ordeal. He tells Elena briefly about how awful the experiments were (Doctor Whitmore took out bits of organs, particularly the eyes, for testing), but then is like “Yada yada yada 5 years later.” Again, I should be grateful for this. But if you’re gonna sell me this new, emotionally charged arc, then fucking sell it, bitch.

Katherine (apparently correctly) theorises that Stefan’s trauma isn’t caused by spending 3 months drowning over and over again, but instead by his gurlfwiend choosing another boi. Oh for fuck’s sake.

This better not goddamn mean that he’s using Katherine as a surrogate shag bag. Katherine is worth so much more than that (and so much more than Elena). Even Stefan should know this.

Aaron turns out to be as knowledegable and useful as a bag of severed penises. He gets all sad because now he knows that mummy and daddy were killed by a vampire (specifically, Damon). He’s pretty much mad at everyone, including Wes. Ugh, save that for high school, honey. How old are you?

He’s also hilariously easy to convince about the exitstence of vampires. I understand that we’re now in season 5, and it would be a total pain in the arse to waste time explaining it to a character, but it’s still strange.

Grayson Gilbert (Elena’s dad) was apparently a top Augustine researcher (like Wes and Doctor Whitmore). I’ve decided I don’t care about him anymore.

Elena’s also like “My dad may have been a vampire hunter, but he would never torture them. Mercy me!” Shutup.

Caroline briefly and unknowingly twat blocks Katherine when she’s in the safe with Stefan. Thank god Katherine breaks out the moves again later.

Oh, and Elena is mortified by Damon’s admission that he’s been hunting down members of the Whitmore family and killing them for ages. Is she really surprised by this by now?


But it’s not all bad:

Points to Damon though for the cruelly fantastic revenge scheme: massacre the Whitmore family but leave a single survivor each time to ensure a new generation. Repeat. I approve.

Probably the best thing about the episode is the complete absence of Bonnie. Good times are here.

Stefan might be finally done with this wangsty PTSD. It served its purpose, but I’ll be glad to see it go. Katherine makes a sexy counsellor, too. She and Caroline lock her in the safe with Stefan. He’s forced to calm his shit so he doesn’t hurt Katherine. Obviously, this leads to sexual tension.

And, if Caroline’s ears are to be trusted, sex. Cool.

I’m also digging the fact that Caroline and Katherine are almost friends right now. Dump Elena, C-Dog. Katherine is the Nina Dobrev you deserve.

Katherine asks Caroline if she and Stefan have ever banged. After getting a deliciously uncommitted “no,” Katherine says she’s missing out: Stefan’s a good root. Threesome?

Enzo seems like a cool cat. He and Damon devise a plan to escape Augustine: their one glass each of blood per day ration will go mainly to only one of them (Damon), thus making them strong enough to break free at the annual NYE bash. Except for the “I have to leave you behind to escape this fire, sorry Enzo” thing, it works well.

Oh yeah, Augustine is some messy shit. On New Year’s Eve, they host a party where they all drink vampire blood to test/show off its curative properties. Who are the real monsters?

Best line of the episode goes to Damon, who isn’t thrilled when Aaron stumbles upon him and Elena locked up: “Great. Mini Wes.” The resemblance is there.

As poetic justice to the eye-screaming Doctor Whitmore, Damon gouges his eyes out before killing him. Nice.

At the end of the episode, Elena wakes up strapped to a table in a lab somehwere. Enzo is strapped to another table, so it looks like he survived the fire those 50-odd years ago. I don’t think he’ll be too happy to see Damon.

In Damon’s defence, he put an okay effort into trying to free Enzo before fleeing. He had to turn off his emotions to allow himself to flee, too.

Stefan forces Katherine to do some therapeutic diary writing. She isn’t a fan of the wanking. Yet another thing she has over Elena. The list is endless.

Aaron is a Whitmore, and, like, owns Whitmore College. Cute.

Oh, and next episode better open with Stefan and Katherine lounging in bed, post-bang. I need explicit confirmation.

TVD Stefan Katherine kiss The Cell

He’d have to be fucking insane.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

6 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 9 – TV Review”

  1. Amadan says :

    and maybe even a cutscene (about catherine making sex with stefan i mean)

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