Once Upon a Time in Wonderland Season 1 Episode 5 – TV Review

Once Wonderland Red Queen Alice Great Divide

“And for goodness sake, darling, change up the outfit once in a while.”

I should let you know first of all that it’s a Red and Alice team up episode.

Good job, everyone.

TL;DR Alice makes a deal with Red and is fucked over; Cyrus escapes from his cage; Jafar interrogates Rabbit to find out about more Alice loved ones he can torture; flashback Anastasia is a materialistic bitch.

Just like me.

So Red needs some magic powder to protect herself from Jafar’s magic, but the powder is in a place where only the pure of heart can go. So, with promise of deets on Cyrus’ location, she ropes Alice into doing the legwork for her. Alice proves that her love for Cyrus is greater than her resentment towards Red to pass a stock standard morality test, and she gets the powder. But psych, Red takes that shit and leaves Alice in the dust. Luckily, Alice kept just enough powder ex machina to let it show her the way to Jafar’s castle, and Red really only wanted the powder to de-stone Will, so it works out okay. Meanwhile, Cyrus uses his wishbone welding to break out of his cage (still has to find a way down from Jafar’s mountaintop castle, though). Meanwhile, Jafar forces Rabbit to cough up some info on someone else Alice cares about (and whoever they are, they’re not in Wonderland). And in flashback, we see Anastasia and Will struggling to build a life after their arrival in Wonderland. Anastasia concocts a plan to steal the king’s crown jewels, but ends up marrying him instead.

It’s a bit awkward for Will, as you’d expect.

I suppose we needed a break from Jafar, but if temporarily injuring Rabbit is the most nefarious effort he can come up with, then he needs to get his mojo back.

For real, though, we get some important background on Will and Anastasia’s dissolution, and Red gets to prance around with Alice and snicker at her. I’d consider that a win.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Jafar’s security seems pretty lax. All Cyrus has to do is take out one guard in the cage room, then he scurries around a couple of hallways and makes it to the exit. Jafar insinuates that the castle is innately difficult to escape from, but Jafar needs to take a good look at his personnel budget.

While I respect flashback Anastasia’s practicality, her decision to marry the king is some selfish shit, yo. I hope that this turns out to be an element of another con, but given the rockiness of her and Will’s current relationship, I have my doubts.

Also, what the fuck, king? The first time you met this girl she got kicked out of your party because she was a thief and a fraud. The second time you met her she was robbing you of your most valuable possessions. Dude must have a thing for crazy.

Although, he does have a spiel about how rich people get to have nice things and poor people don’t. So maybe he’s not so pure anyway.

Alice should know better than to trust Red by now.

In all the vastness of Wonderland, I find it hard to believe that Anastasia and Will are reduced to foraging for berries to survive.

Cyrus’ fellow prisoner (I’m still banking on him being the Sultan) rejects Cyrus’ offer to help him escape, too. Bro, I’m pretty sure you’re not gonna get an opportunity like that again.

Oh, and Alice’s morality test is tres cliched. And it was a pretty extremist test. I don’t think even if she had the actual opportunity that Alice would slice and dice Red. She wants revenge, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to be a slasher movie villain.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Alice and Red have a delightful repartee. They should get together more often.

Red’s abandonment of the deal is just icing on the cake. I’m guessing she doesn’t feel bad about it because she was doing it to help Will, but I’d like to believe that she’d be just as cruel if she wasn’t doing something selfless.

And she quickly jumps out of view of a reanimated Will so she can’t be given the credit for saving him. Maybe her heart isn’t so impure.

Not that she’d tell you that. She earns best line of the episode when convincing Alice that, between the two of them, Alice is more apt for taking on the Great Divide’s test: “I’m many things, darling, but pure of heart is not one of them.” Who needs a pure heart when you look this good?

Anastasia must get her soullessness from her mother, who is the bitchiest thing this side of Queenie. She makes fun of her daughter and her small ambitions. And she disowns her if she goes through with her jump to Wonderland. So maternal.

Anastasia is committed to escaping her poverty, I’ll give her that. I’d like to pretend that I’d be conflicted about throwing away my love for some jewels, but that would require me to have love, jewels, and a conscience. Of which I possess none.

Joining Arrow’s Isabel on our “Sisters doing it for themselves” gender role reversal rankings, Anastasia does the work in the crown jewels heist, while Will simply paces outside the palace, waiting for her. Stay progressive.

Rabbit doesn’t sell someone out for the first time ever, and doesn’t report seeing Cyrus escaping the castle to Jafar. Baby steps.

Alice falling off the invisi-bridge was adorable.

Oh, and Jafar cuts off Rabbit’s foot and literally dangles it in front of him. He might be small time, but he makes it count.

Once Wonderland Jafar rabbit foot

Jafar: making dismemberment fabulous.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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