Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 7 – TV Review

Once Upon a Time Gold hologram Belle

You’re doomed.

Finally, the burning question is answered: what happened to Wendy and her brothers from that one episode?

What, you didn’t care about that?

Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one.

A man is not an island.

TL;DR Wendy is Pan’s prisoner and her brothers do the same dirty work that Tamara and Driver did in the real world; Belle gets Gold that item he wanted; Emma captures Shadow, which is how they’re gonna escape Neverland; Henry gets brainwashed by Pan some more.

He’s not a bright spark.

Well we’re finally getting to the action in Storybrooke. It’s been about a week since our major characters departed, and Belle enacted a cloaking spell Gold gave her to protect the town. Except 2 British baddie agents got in just in time. When Ariel shows up looking for a powerful item (which turns out to be Pandora’s Box), the Brits attack. Belle and Ariel manage to fight them off and hear their story: they’re Wendy’s brothers, and Pan is holding Wendy hostage so that they do his bidding. They hope Belle and her allies will be able to defeat Pan, and Belle sends Ariel off to give Gold the Box. Meanwhile in Neverland, Emma, Hook and Baelfire go out to catch Shadow, who will apparently be their ticket outta there. The boys fight over Emma for a bit, but the plan succeeds. Meanwhile, David and Snow indulge some obligatory melodrama. And Henry grows suspicious of Pan (fucking finally), but Pan uses Wendy to convince Henry to give in to Pan’s plans to “save” the island’s magic.

I know Henry is only a child, but come on, Pan is only a twirled moustache away from being the most obviously sinister villain ever.

I know I’ve bitched and moaned about wanting to see what the haps are in Storybrooke, but I now realise how foolish that was. Talk about the fucking B-Team. When Belle is the most relevant character, there’s a goddamn problem.

I think it’s time to arbitrarily dig up some more fairy tale people who have been inexplicably hiding out. I’m done with the dwarves and Hoppers of the world.


Why I hate this episode:

The conflict in Storybrooke is overcome way too quickly and with no effort. The Baddies show up and are all menacing and British, but all Belle has to do is tap them a bit with a minecart and ask them nicely to stop being mean, and they capitulate. Tamara and Driver (Greg, if you’re not using I Just Hate Everything-isms) almost self-destructed the fucking town. These guys ineffectively tie up 2 women and evilly go spelunking in the mines for a pickaxe.

They also boast about how they know exactly who their employer is and how their motivation to save their sister is too strong to be swayed. Silly boys.

I’m not sure exactly how Belle and Ariel’s escape from being tied up worked. Ariel took off her legs bracelet, which made her mermaid tail flop out. This caused the chairs they were on to fall sideways, which happened to knock Ariel’s bonds off. Couldn’t they have just tipped the chairs over themselves, without needing the tail?

When the Shadows attack Emma, Hook and Baelfire, Emma just hides under the crook of a stump while the boys get their souls torn at. Real heroic, honey.

The stuff between Hook and Baelfire is so childish. Emma and Hook both thought Baelfire was dead when they kissed. Get over it, B.

Snow gives David a ridiculously hard time about keeping his secret from her. It’s like she’s not even grateful he’s alive.

The other side of this is when she pledges to live wherever, as long as it’s with him. So her devotion is also grating to me. My discontent isn’t dead.

The way to trap Shadow is to light a candle inside the star chart coconut. What?

Oh, and Henry needs to fucking lighten up. He knows for certain that his family is coming to rescue him, but he is still choosing to go along with Pan’s plan. Because some rando bitch in a bed told him to. I don’t get it, Henry. Neither of your mothers are heroic. Where do you get it from?


But it’s not all bad:

Wendy is an important part of the Neverland tale, and seeing her as Peter Pan’s prisoner/puppet was pretty cool.

And watching Henry be a fucking idiot is as enjoyable as it is frustrating.

Belle might not be at the top of the Important Characters list, but she does what she can in her lead Storybrooke role. And it was about time we saw what was happening in ol’ Storybrooke.

Before Ariel shows up, the dwarves are having lunch on the beach. Happy says how great it is to not have David or Snow around, because things are peaceful and there are no insane catastrophes to deal with. Ikr.

Gold gives Ariel a sand dollar to pass onto Belle. It turns out to have a holographic recorded message (see image above, natch). You sly dog, Gold.

I wonder what’s inside Pandora’s Box? Hopefully a new Disney villain. Maybe that’s where Ursula has been hanging out?

Ariel finds Eric’s button in Gold’s shop, so it appears Regina wasn’t lying about him being in Storybrooke. After she completes her mission, Regina rewards Ariel by upgrading her legs bracelet to be usable any time, with no limits or costs. She’s going back to Storybrooke to find her lovah. You go get that Eric penis, girl.

Emma puts her magic lessons from Regina to use by lighting the coconut candle with her powers. She even has the grace to credit Regina for it. And god knows Emma doesn’t do that enough.

Henry came so close to doing the right thing. He begins spying on Pan’s lead Lost Boy. Unfortunately, Pan is onto that shit, and sets up his little charade with Wendy to be the product of Henry’s stalking. Wendy was also the other cage prisoner.

During their hold up, Ariel questions why she and Belle should be afraid of the Brits. Because she doesn’t know what guns are. I lol’d.

Best line goes to Grumpy when he brings in an underdressed Ariel to Granny’s diner:
Granny: “Uh, maybe you didn’t notice the sign: no shirt, no shoes, no service.”
Grumpy: “Now you’ve got a dress code? I seem to recall some Ruby outfits that are seared into my brain.”
Bitch got told.

Emma fucks off both Hook and Baelfire after their squabbling. Love triangle squashed. A temporary victory, I’m sure, but I’ll take what I can get.

Snow, David, Emma, Hook, and Baelfire go meet up with Tinkerbell now that they’ve got their exit strategy all coconutted up. Let’s get this rescue mission on the road next episode, guys.

Oh, and the Shadow CGI is a bit adorably gimpy.

Once Upon a Time Hook Shadow soul

“Oh yeah, jerk my soul. Grip it hard.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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