Ravenswood Season 1 Episode 3 – TV Review

Ravenswood Miranda funeral

Who would ever do something like that?

Fuck me, I’m losing interest in Ravenswood faster than I am for The Tomorrow People.

Worst spin-off indeed.

TL;DR Fuckin’ nothing happens. Miranda has a boring funeral; she is spooked out by some other spirits hanging around; Caleb convinces the others that ghosts are real; they hold a séance which proves little; there’s some deets about Papa Matheson’s death.

And nobody gets PETA’d. That pilot gave me high expectations.

The plot continues to be blander than Jade from Big Brother. Things start off with Miranda’s funeral, which only proves that her Uncle didn’t know her very well and that Caleb thinks that he knew her extremely well, 2 things we were already aware of. Caleb continues hanging around, so Uncle offers him a job as caretaker, which includes a house. Because this is how the world works. He has the gang over later to try to convince them Miranda’s ghost is hanging around. It works. Meanwhile, Miranda is marginally creeped out by some other spirit/s. Meanwhile, Olivia and Luke learn about some chick called Abbie who their dad was apparently getting messages from before he died. Turns out it’s his dead high school girlfriend, who was a victim of the “5 teens die” curse back in the early 90s. And Remy finds out her mum’s survival of her troop’s attack was impossibly lucky.

Thanks, curse!

To be really fucking honest, I’m so close to dropping this show already. It’s just so fucking boring. And with the added insult of being a spin-off from PLL, which, when operating at its best, is great. And even when it’s operating at its worst, is a viable soap opera. Ravenswood is capable of neither of those.

It’s like The Secret Circle, if the effects budget was even lower, the characters had no personality, and there’s not even Natasha Henstridge to look forward to.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Seriously, nothing fucking happens. The only worthwhile plot progression happens with the Papa Matheson murder mystery, and even then, all we get is that his high school girlfriend was a curse victim and she might have been communicating with him.

The only other important thing to happen is Miranda’s discovery of the mean spirit, but it’s all deep, disembodied voice and ominous wind. Ugh, is there anything exciting in Ravenswood?

Miranda is shit, too. She attends her own funeral, which is just tacky, babe. And she has the rudeness to snark about how her Uncle didn’t know her blah blah blah. So fucking ungrateful.

Worse, Caleb makes a more emotional speech later about how amazing and special and spectacular Miranda was, despite the fact that he didn’t know her. Has anyone really taken that on board yet? Caleb didn’t know her!

Obviously none of our main characters watch horror movies, because they do a fucking Ouija board in goddamn Ravenswood. And it’s not even a nice one. It’s a whiteboard with those kiddie letter magnets. Jesus.

Caleb is finding yet more excuses to stay around town. Why do you even care? Hanna’s waiting at home for you, and dealing with some actual shit. You knew Miranda for, like, a day. And she died. Alison is alive. Go get up on that.

Oh, and Miranda’s outfit sucks, and as it’s the one she died in, I don’t think she can change it. One of the most important factors that kept PLL watchable was the fashion. Don’t lock your female lead in like that, Ravenswood.

 

But it’s not all bad:

Caleb looks good in a suit.

Grunwald appears to be able to sense Ghost Miranda. And later, Grunwald watches Caleb’s house from afar during the séance. She and Uncle act conspiratorially, and she appears to disapprove of his choice of guests. Whether she means the kids or the spirits the séance is attracting is unclear.

Remy does some research and finds out the curse has struck 5 times in the last century. The gang seems to agree that the curse is still trying to catch up to them after failing to off them all in the car crash.

Luke is quick to believe his dad was having an affair as the explanation for the rumours about an “Abbie.” I admire his practicality.

Remy’s dad has footage of the attack on her mum’s troop. As well as a report. The other soliders were vaporised by the blast, while her mum was mysteriously protected under a fallen gurney. That curse knows what it wants.

The séance ends when the chandelier is about to fall on the gang, so Miranda somehow manages to flip the board over and startle them out of the way. After, a light shines around her and the other 3 can now see her. Whether that means she has regained physical form, or is simply a visible ghost to more than Caleb is yet to be seen.

Oh, and thank god these teens are so unconcerned with their safety as to break out a Ouija board. What would any horror show or movie be without gullible teens?

Ravenswood seance ouija board

Those lucky ducks.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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