Revenge Season 3 Episode 6 – TV Review

Revenge Aiden sledgehammer wrecking ball

If he all he ever did was wreck me, I’d be happy.

You know what’s exciting? Real estate fraud?

Well, the Revenge version of it is. Because it has espionage and tumblers of scotch.

TL;DR Conrad tries to sell Grayson manor, but Emily fucks it up; Nolan and Jack bond over their distaste of Emily’s methods; Charlotte starts worming Sarah (the girl Daniel injured in his DUI) into Daniel’s life; Patrick has to flee town.

Oh no, Nolan. I hope you don’t get unrealistically melodramatic about it.

The central plot of the episode concerns Conrad’s plans to sell Grayson manor. Because they’re poor, remember? Emily needs Grayson manor as an important part of the wedding, apparently, so she sabotages the sale by faking some documents to have evidence of soil erosion. Once the sale is cancelled, Victoria decides there’s no reason to stay, so she announces she’s leaving Conrad. Emiy can’t have that, either, so her hand is forced into returning the stolen Grayson money. Meanwhile, Nolan, in his frustration at Emily forbidding him from having sex with a homicidal maniac, goes to Jack and drops the “she’s Amanda” bomb. This only confirms to Jack that Emily’s been a dick for ages, so the boys go rogue and tell Conrad that Patrick is the one who cut his brakes. Victoria forces Patrick to jet off so Conrad can’t have him arrested. Meanwhile, in an attempt to damage Emily and Daniel’s relationship, Charlotte slips Sarah back into Daniel’s life. They have huge UST. And Emily, in an act of contrition, reveals her endgame to Jack and Nolan: she’s going to frame Victoria for her murder.

Delicious.

It looks like being an absolute dipshit when it comes to love is Nolan’s only role in this show. He tells Jack that he thinks Patrick might be “the one.” They’ve only hooked up, like, twice. This is absolutely absurd.

Nolan used to be Emily’s bitchy, tech-savvy sidekick. Now he’s a constant liability.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Let’s enjoy everything that Nolan does. It is all shit. Firstly, Emily rightly points out that Patrick is a fucking psychopath who tried to murder Conrad. Nolan doesn’t care.

Next, Nolan attempts to blow Emily’s cover. Thank god Jack already knew.

Then he and Jack go off-script and purposely work against Emily by outing Patrick’s brake-cutting ways to Conrad. This requires Nolan to let Patrick go, which is apparently good advice when Jack says it.

During his attempted break up (can you even call it that? Do you break up with one night stands?) he gives a version of the “in another life” speech to Patrick. Holy. Shit.

But wait, there’s a final embarrassment for Nolan to trot out. When Emily gets angry at him for the shit he and Jack did behind her back, he offers up this (and a valuable, I Just Hate Everything worst line): “I can’t turn off my emotions. I’m not a robot. I’m a human being!” Just kill him, Em. He has outlived his usefulness.

While I applaud Charlotte’s initiative and genius with the Sarah stuff, holy shit that’s ridiculous. Not only is she forcing Daniel to relive the most traumatic and shameful experience of his life, but she does the same to Sarah, as well as get her fired and offer her a job that puts her closer to Daniel. I guess that Victoria iciness has been passed on.

Conrad turns down sex with the real estate agent. Pathetic.

Oh, and Conrad obviously hesitates on getting Patrick arrested, because Victoria has time to send him away. Ruthlessness lost.

 

But it’s not all bad:

That grand plan is pretty fucking fantastic. Let’s pull it off, Emily.

Like I said, I’ve got to give points to Charlotte. She deserves it. It may be uncharacteristically cruel, but damn, she does a fine job. She lures Daniel into the bakery where Sarah works so Sarah will go off at him. Then she anonymously calls the manager later to get her fired. Then she goes all nice-nice to Sarah and offers her a job at The Stowaway. She even watches on like a Bond villain while Daniel and Sarah talk later. Don’t mess with the Grayson women.

Despite the betrayal of Jack and Nolan, Emily does an amazing job of pulling everything together. At least Aiden still has her back.

And her front. They make passionate love against the wall Aiden sledgehammers.

Emily deliberately causes damage and initiates repairs to her house to make the real estate agent believe the erosion story. It works.

Victoria confronts Patrick with the knowledge that he cut Conrad’s brakes. He is unapologetic, and Victoria doesn’t give a shit. It’s a good thing Conrad is such a bastard, otherwise I’d be tempted to feel sorry for him.

After the completion of her grand plan, Emily plans to disappear forever. I admire her commitment to the exit strategy.

Emily plans to have a family honeymoon. This disgusts Charlotte and Victoria. I lol’d.

Victoria and Conrad screwed Sarah in the settlement they paid to her. It didn’t cover any of her outpatient expenses, which for someone whose spine was broken, is a lot. Dat callousness.

Best line of the episode goes to Conrad, who has just had the manor sale taken away from him, and Jack is paying an unexpected visit: “If we can’t sell this place, perhaps we can just turn it into a home for wayward boys. I mean, there’s Victoria’s bastard, the Brit, you.” Dry.

Victoria calls the real estate agent Conrad’s “property prostitute.” Adorable alliteration.

Victoria vows to stick around with Conrad so she can screw more money out of him in their divorce, now that Emily has delivered their fortune back to them. That’s my girl.

Oh, and Nolan and Patrick kiss again. In good lighting this time.

Revenge Nolan Patrick kiss gay

What? Tyler got one, and Patrick is way hotter than him.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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