Thor: The Dark World – Film Review

Thor: The Dark World Loki Thor fanfiction

“So much hammer sodomy.”

Thor: The Contrived Sequel World.

Nah, I’m just kidding.

It spans multiple worlds, so “World” as a single betrays the film’s plurality.

TL;DR Loki isn’t in it enough, so calm your vaginas, fangirls. There is nothing surprising or innovative about Thor: The Dark World. It’s a satisfactory superhero genre piece, but when The Avengers already did it (and already did it better), it’s disappointing. 3 out of 5 stars.

We should probably all lower our expectations for The Avengers 2, hey?

Dispensing with even the illusion of narrative evolution, Thor: The Dark World’s plot just comes out of fucking nowhere. Something something there was once an evil race of Dark Elves who were conquered by Thor’s grandpa. But their super weapon was hidden away so nobody would ever find it. So Jane (Natalie “I like money more than Oscar cred” Portman) finds it. Because she falls through a random gravity distortion. Thor has to protect her while the Dark Elf leader (The Ninth Doctor) tries to get it back. Thor even has to get help from Loki, but Doctor Who ends up with it anyway. Jane harnesses the power of gravity distortion to somehow help Thor defeat him. And Loki, having apparently died earlier, turns out to be not dead.

Because the fanbase’s outrage would melt the Internet.

Look, if you want a Marvel action movie, you’re gonna get a Marvel action movie.

But if you want something that isn’t yet another 2 hour CGI wank with the barest of plot effort, then you won’t get it here.

At least Jane gets to do something this time.

 

Why I hate this movie:

The plot is seriously low effort. I’m not being hyperbolic about that. Jane literally just falls into a random gravity anomaly, which happens to transport her to the exact spot in the depths of hell or whatever where the Aether (the super weapon) is. The movie tries to justify this with a “the worlds are aligning for the first time in forever” card, but the awkwardly timed prophecy excuse isn’t any better.

Loki was never going to die.

He also hasn’t given up on his daddy issues bullshit. He has a yell at his mum about how “he’s not my real father WAAAAH.” Get over it. You’re a fucking magic sorcerer god. And you’re also an adult. Get over it.

Rene Russo was the most expendable “important” character they could have killed off. They didn’t even kill off any of Thor’s B-Team of Asgardian friends. Pfft.

The B-Team are so secondary (duh). The girl even tries to claim a stake as a secondary love interest, but the movie forgets that for all but, like, 2 scenes.

The Asgard prison cells apparently aren’t very strong. The Kursed Dark Elf just taps on the barrier and it pops off.

Thor doesn’t spend anywhere near enough time shirtless. Fuckin’ rude.

There’s a mid-credits scene. And a post-credits scene. Greedy.

In the mid-credits scene, Thor’s B-Team entrust the Aether to the Collector for safekeeping. The Collector is the most obviously evil guy in the history of ever. He makes Sinestro look like the Virgin Mary.

Oh, and the ending showdown is some kind of inconsistent mess where Jane and Stellan Skarsgard use their magic science equipment to do whatever the fuck they want with gravity/space.

 

But it’s not all bad:

The CGI, while rampant (as expected), is of the requisite high standard. That’s Marvel money, baby.

And the brief time we get Thor shirtless is absolutely glorious.

While infected with the Aether, Jane actually isn’t a completely helpless, puny human for a while. That was nice. And her value to the story is more than just the token love interest.

Rene Russo holds her own before she is overwhelmed, so that’s something.

Christopher Eccleston (Doctor Who) is unrecognisable as the Dark Elf leader. And it works. I don’t think I would have been able to take him seriously if he hadn’t been obscured by makeup.

Loki is as fun as he’s always been. I am averse to liking him myself, as I don’t want to be one of those pathetic Loki fantards, but he’s a good time.

When Thor is about to be crushed by the Dark Elf ship, Jane, unable to pull him out of the way, uses her body to shield his. Nice to see some gender role reversal.

Even the Kursed Dark Elf knows not to let Loki out of his cell during the prison break.

Heimdall is a badass.

Loki doesn’t betray Thor during their partnership. But he does return alive and pose as Odin when Thor (thinking he’s talking to Odin) says he can’t be king. That sneaky bitch.

Oh, and Jane and Thor are cute together and I hope they have hot babies.

 

Verdict:

It’s like going to a pub and ordering a chicken parmagiana: you know it’s going to be yummy, but there will be nothing special or exciting about it at all. But, like, chicken parmagiana is still delicious, hey? 3 out of 5 stars.

Thor: The Dark World Sif

Oh, Other Girl. ‘Sif you have a chance.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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  1. Maniac – Film Review | I Just Hate Everything - November 19, 2013

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