Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 5 – TV Review

Once Upon a Time OUaT Emma Hook kiss Neverland

And he’s a hooker. I wish.

Really, I’d support this over Emma/Baelfire.

I just never understood what Emma saw in BaeBae.

At least Hook would be able to do her makeup.

TL;DR Emma and Hook hook up; Hook saves David’s life; Regina, Emma and Snow manage to get a message to Henry; Hook’s past is revealed to include the tragic death of his older brother.

It’s a good thing he’s got Emma’s lips to console him.

Well David’s fatal poisoning is finally getting addressed. Hook concocts a ruse about a sextant once belonging to his brother being on top of some mountain. David accompanies him to go get it. After turning down a temptation from Pan to kill David (which David, being a “good” character, obligatorily overhears and assumes the worst. Are you Serena Van Der Woodsen?), Hook administers the healing spring water and David is all better. Except he can never leave Neverland or the Dreamshade poisoning will return and kill him. Seems like a decent deal to me. Meanwhile, Regina, Emma and Snow catch a Lost Boy in hopes of getting a message to Henry. The dude turns out to be a dick, so Emma consents to Regina heart-snatching him and sending him off zombie style. Snow is not impressed. But it’s okay, because they talk to Henry. Unfortunately, Henry is coming around to the idea of Neverland life, probably because Pan shows him that he is capable of his own magic fucking powers. And in flashback, Hook and his older brother are in some king’s navy. They journey to Neverland to find a supposedly potent health elixir, but instead discover it was a trick so the king could procure some Dreamshade to genocide his wartime adversaries. Big Bro gets poisoned, but Pan offers Hook the spring water to save him. Too bad they didn’t stay on the island, though, because it doesn’t last when they get back home.

And that’s how Hook became disillusioned with the ruling class and became a pirate. An answer to a question nobody asked or cared about.

In all fairness, Hook’s little sob story does add a touch of emotional investment to a character who is shaping up as a legitimate love interest for Emma.

But his older brother is played by Bernard Curry, who Aussie viewers will recognise as the host nobody misses from the previous seasons of Beauty and the Geek Australia. I was cheering for his death, and he was also an enormous idiot. Hook’s better off without you.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Seriously, Big Bro is all like “I trust the king so much that I’m going to dig this obviously evil bush into my arm to prove my little brother’s totally reasonable suspicions wrong. Oh no, I’m dying.” And when he doesn’t show any symptoms after literally 2 seconds, he gloats victorious. Fuck you.

Hook’s not much better. Pan specifically tells him that they can’t leave or there’ll be consequences. So what do they do?

And he burns the Pegasus feather sail so nobody can ever go to the dreaded Neverland ever again. Or you could, like, just pack it up and keep it for a time where flying over the ocean would be handy? Which is, like, always?

Snow is little miss moral compass when they capture the Lost Boy. Realistically, Regina could just order him to come back after he delivers the message and pop his heart back in. Think ahead, honey.

Also, trapping a Lost Boy was her idea in the first place. What, did she think they would just be like “yeah, I’ll deliver your message to Henry for you, sweetie, and risk Pan’s wrath. Cool beans.” Oh, Snow.

Henry is overly dismissive of the mirror video chat with Emma, Regina and Snow. And instead of just pocketing the mirror or whatever, he throws it on the ground. Which is absurd because 1) fucking anyone can see that thing. If you were worried about someone asking questions, then you’ve fucking failed. And 2) he breaks it. This is why children aren’t allowed nice things.

Regina summons a chocolate bar to help woo the captured Lost Boy. He throws it into the bushes. Omg rude.

David, as mentioned, plays the Serena card and attacks Hook because he overheard Pan’s offer. What sets him apart (and not in a good way) from Serena is that David heard all of it, including Hook’s refusal. He just didn’t believe him. You don’t deserve to live.

He also acts a bit prissy about the conditions of the healing spring. His options are “die right now” or “live right now, possibly die later.” Is there even a choice?

Oh, and flashback Hook’s crew are insanely easy to win over to piracy. Hook’s like “here’s a bunch of circumstances I didn’t tell you about before which make our king possibly a bit of a jerk. Let’s become thieves and murderers.” And they go for it in an instant.

 

But it’s not all bad:

But Hook is so cute when he’s all clean and without guyliner.

And his altruism towards David is pretty sexy. Maybe he’s good enough for Emma.

There’s some fun homoerotic tension between Hook and David that doesn’t seem to be accidental. Hook forces David to lift up his shirt so he can see the current extent of the Dreamshade poisoning, and David essentially exhibits his abs to him. Later, Pan insists that he wants to see Hook’s hook “inside” David. Pan is our shipper on deck.

The kiss between Emma and Hook is more passionate than the entire relationship built up between her and Baelfire, too.

Having had his offer refused, Pan comes to Hook later (after the Emma kiss) and feeds him a spicy tidbit: Baelfire is alive. This information is Hook’s to do with as he wishes. Fingers crossed for some adorable selfishness.

This king sounds like a cool dude. I like those dirty tactics. It’s probably Alan Dale.

Henry apparently is capable of magic due to his heart of the truest believer stuff. Pan encourages him to wish that a play sword would become a real sword, and it does. So basically, he’s The Green Lantern. Or a personification of The Secret. Either way, that shit could come in handy.

Best line of the episode goes to Regina, who isn’t a fan of David’s face mash with Snow when he returns from being cured: “What I wouldn’t give for another sleeping curse.” I know.

It’s a close second for Hook after David tells him he, too, had a brother who died. A twin, in fact: “There were two of you? I can barely stand one.” I knooooooow.

Pan has a rare moment of honesty in the flashbacks when he tries to warn Hook and his brother off the Dreamshade.

At the end, Pan has the Lost Boys string up Baelfire in a cage. But there’s another cage already up there. Do we know who that is? I don’t remember.

Oh, and big points to Emma for very quickly agreeing to Regina’s proposal of heart-snatching. Regina and Emma work well together.

OUaT Regina Emma

“If you’re willing to let Hook go there, then surely I’m in with a shot.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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