The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 4 – TV Review

TVD Stefan Elena kiss

As inevitable as death and hangovers.

Episode 4. Right on time.

Let the middle season slump begin!

TL;DR Elena tries to fix Stefan’s amnesia (poorly, as you can see); Jeremy reveals Bonnie is dead; Matt figures out he’s having a headmate situation; Caroline sluts it up a bit with Jesse; Doctor Evil turns out to be evil.


So it’s mostly a whingey wankfest as Elena takes Stefan to some of their special places in an attempt to jog his memory. She omits the fact that they used to be together, and the fact that she’s now together with his brother. Stefan understandably doesn’t take this well when he figures it out. Caroline manages to keep him from totally killing Jesse, though. Meanwhile, as its Remembrance Day in Mystic Falls, Caroline decides what better way to be a faithful girlfriend and a non-creepy date than to bring a guy she isn’t dating to a cemetery so they can have a flirtatious picnic. She has to save Jesse after Stefan’s attack by giving him vampire blood. When Jesse returns to campus, Doctor Evil kills him to make him into a vampire. Rude. Meanwhile, Jeremy has to break the news about Bonnie’s death to Damon, and the gossip spreads quick as fuck. They have some moody funeral thing for her and Tyler shows up. And Matt’s Traveller headmate tells him to protect some dagger he has.

Or else he’ll kill him, which would kill him (the headmate)? Solid plan, buddy.

As you might have guessed, I’m not thrilled that the Stefan/Elena romance is back on the table. I’m not surprised, but I’m not impressed.

What’s more ridiculous is that she doesn’t tell him about them having been epic loves or whatever, and is flabbergasted when he takes the news about her recent defection to Damon’s bed as upsetting. Stefan’s summation that the situation is shit and he’s gonna GTFO is very accurate.

Elena’s arrogance is even more toxic than mine.


Why I hate this episode:

Seriously, Elena, what kind of plan was that?

Caroline is a dirty girl. She takes Jesse on a motherfucking date, then says that she really wants to spend time with him. Then she has to shut things down when she realises she isn’t totally into being a cheating slut. What a fucking cocktease. Say no to cockteasing, everyone.

I don’t care for Tyler coming back, either. You just know he’s going to be melodramatic and overly serious about everything. And he’ll be more annoying than I am about the Caroline/Jesse situation when he finds out. Just go back to frolicking in the woods with your wolfy friends.

Everyone goes around screaming that they need Bonnie’s help and that she’d fix everything if she was here. Even TVD itself realises that Bonnie is a Deus Ex Machina.

A couple of the Stefan/Elena scenes seem like just an excuse to pay Elena compliments she doesn’t deserve.

Katherine isn’t in the episode. Dear god, don’t let that start again.

Elena has an “I can’t I can’t” mini breakdown that’s strikingly similar to one she had last season when Jeremy died. Get some new lines, woman.

Why doesn’t Bonnie just go through her grimoires and relay the relevant information to Jeremy? Sure, they’ll need to find another witch to perform whatever spells they need, but that seems like a pretty fair solution.

Bonnie watches (and, through Jeremy, speaks at) her own funeral. So greedy.

Oh, and as outrageously cool as it is, Damon arbitrarily rolls and destroys his car just to prove to Stefan that he, Damon, is the fun brother. Jeez, dude. Chill.


But it’s not all bad:

On the other hand, it’s outrageously cool, and an awesome practical effects sequence (crashin’ a real car, yo). The CW is getting good at that.

Stefan acts the most sensibly he ever has. His anger at Elena’s omissions is totally justified, and his realisation that the situation between himself, Damon and Elena is a crock of shit is the absolute truth. He even burns his journals and leaves to start a life that isn’t a fucking soap opera. Good for you, Stef.

And his compassion apparently isn’t innate, which I like. When Caroline tells him that Bonnie is dead, he’s like “didn’t know her, though,” and is unable to offer her much sympathy. Beautiful.

He does pay Caroline a compliment earlier, and earns himself second best line of the episode: “You’re much hotter in person.” Stefan has amnesia and Caroline has proven she’s up for cheating. Maybe Carofan (Stefaline?) can finally blossom.

Best line goes to Jeremy with his admission of Bonnie’s death to Damon: “Bonnie’s dead.” Simplicity. Elegance. Satisfaction.

Damon’s in the honourable mention pile with this description of Mystic Falls’ Remembrance Day: “Now it’s just a really kickass excuse to get hammered.” Pfft, like I need an excuse.

Doctor Evil might have the potential to be more than the obstructive bureaucrat I was worried he could have turned out to be. Elena should have taken up his offer on that chat, because the dude clearly knows a lot about vampires. Enough to be able to test someone’s system for vampire blood. And enough to kill that same someone to turn them into a vampire. It’s unclear what his motivation for that is, but I’m hoping for something along the lines of “shits n’ gigs.”

Bonnie perves on Jeremy while he’s working out. It must be the only thing we have in common.

Matt’s actually involved in his own, relevant plot now. That’s a nice change for him.

Stefan is angry that being good evidently hasn’t paid off, so now he wants to be bad. Cute.

Oh, and if Tyler takes his return as an opporunity to, you know, go to college, then I can support it. Barely.

TVD Tyler Caroline crying hug

“I was this close to having sex with a black guy.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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