American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 3 – TV Review

American Horror Story Coven Madison Nan Luke cake

I’d probably choose the cake. If you were wondering.

Well, first we had death-by-rape.

Then we had making a man out of Kyle.

I didn’t expect to get horrified again, but American Horror Story has managed to turn even Mare Winningham into a debauched nightmare.

God, it’s good.

TL;DR Mare is Kyle’s mother, and they’re very close; Fiona longs for her lost youth and beauty; Fiona kills Madison; some puritanical neighbours move in; Kathy has racist adventures with Queenie; Cordelia continues her search for pregnancy.

With still no success. That’s what you get for killing your baby last season.

The 2 major plot threads belong to Zoe and Fiona this episode. Zoe, having gotten Kyle mostly smoothed over by Misty, takes him home. He’s still in zombie mode, which is perfect, because his mum (Mare) likes to have sex with him. Kyle, zombified as he might be, eventually realises this is, like, gross, and kills her. It’s the thought that counts, Zoe. Meanwhile, Fiona laments her faded beauty, and is diagnosed with cancer (thus preventing her from getting plastic surgery). This is because when a new Supreme begins blooming, the current Supreme starts dying. Fiona thinks the new Supreme is Madison, so she schmoozes her for a bit. But then slits her throat. Elsewhere, Patti Lupone moves in next door with her hot son. They’re super strict Christians, which Fiona and Madison (alive at the time) don’t care much for. Cordelia, in desperation, goes to Angela for help with her conception problems. She is brutally rebuffed. And after witnessing Kathy’s racism first hand, Fiona spitefully assigns her as Queenie’s slave. When the Minotaur comes knocking, Queenie is begged by Kathy into helping get rid of it. Queenie does. Using the power of masturbation.

Well if she gets turned on, then he must, too. Who needs foreplay?

So yeah, American Horror Story keeps the bar set high on the freak factor.

I guess I’m still concerned that at some point, like last season’s coda, things will drop off and my expectations won’t be met.

Until then, though, let the good times roll.


Why I hate this episode:

Madison dies, which is a big no-no. It was fucking amazing and shocking, but Madison was my bitchy blonde avatar in this world. I take comfort in knowing Emma Roberts is in the main cast, so she will definitely stick around. Misty’s still on the prowl. Help a sister out?

Zoe’s plan is fucking retarded. She returns a zombified and violent Kyle to his mother. And to the world at large, that has confirmed he is dead (he was a bag of bits. You don’t just misdiagnose that). Of course, she couldn’t have predicted that Mare was a rape-happy scumbag, but bringing someone who’s been brought back to life out in the open is a recipe for disaster.

I mean, Kyle can’t even stand up on his own. Think about it, Zoe.

She also takes Kyle away from Misty, who has developed a mother-like attachment to him (the normal kind, I hope. Not the Mare kind). Watching her cry-dance to Stevie Knicks was kind of heartbreaking.

Patti accuses Madison of having thrown a knife at her. Woman, you were both struggling for it and it slipped. It flew into the wall due to magic power, but she in no way threw it at you. God.

Angela is too cruel to Cordelia. She takes the time to vividly explain exactly how the fertility ritual works, then ends things with a “jk, imma be trollin’. You mad, bro?” If Angela was as wise and potent as she claims to be, she would be aware that Cordelia has only the barest of ties to her mother.

Angela also says that she is indeed a witch. So what was all that “I hate witches” crap from last week? Witch racism? Not cool, lady.

Oh, and Queenie’s subplot is left on a cliffhanger: the Minotaur appears to be turned on, but then he grabs her roughly and she seems scared. I want to know. And if sex results, I want to see.


But it’s not all bad:

When you’ve got Mare Winningham jerking off her son, and later grinding on him and saying only mama knows how to please him, I think you’ve already won. Beat that, Bates Motel.

Not to be upstaged, Kyle bashes her head in with a trophy. And Zoe sees it. And it is disgusting. Like, Hannibal-level gore shot. Impressive.

Mare herself is a white trash stoner. She offers Zoe a puff of her weed when she first visits her.

And she’s not totally reprehensible. She tells Zoe how she was about to hang herself in grief over Kyle’s death, but was stopped by Zoe’s phone call to ask for a visit. I felt a little bit bad for her.

Madison gets a lot of play this episode. Fiona seems to be taking her on as a protege. The choice moment is when Fiona, in an effort to measure her power, makes her compel a man to stand in the middle of the road and almost get run over. Madison loves it. I love it.

They later get drunk and go pool hustling together. They both look smokin’.

Madison tries to put her moves on the new neighbour boy. When Patti comes to complain, she is unrepentant, winning herself second best line: “He’s so backed up, all I’d have to say is ‘panties’ and he’d jizz his jeans.” I would have liked to see her give it a shot.

Fiona earns best line with this episode-ending quip after she’s slashed Madison’s throat: “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.” Ice.

Honourable mentions for Madison’s referring to Kathy as “Miss Aryan Sisterhood,” and Fiona’s response to Patti’s claim that Madison almost hit her with a knife: “She needs to work on her aim.”

We get a couple of flashbacks to young Fiona, and she was just as bad back then. She slit her preceding Supreme’s throat, too. Badass all her life.

Queenie’s subplot with Kathy is cute. Queenie abhors her racism (as does Fiona), Kathy ironically insults Queenie’s fatness. They’re the odd couple!

Kathy watches TV and is mortified that a black man is president. I lol’d.

Nan claims to be a huge slut, and puts her own version of the moves on the neighbour boy: she reads his mind to bake him his favourite cake. You catch more flies with honey than skanky club dresses, Madison.

Cordelia imagines what Angela’s fertility ritual would entail, and we see her rubbing goat’s blood around her crotch as part of it. Weird sex stuff must be her theme for this season.

Angela plays solitaire on her iPad while talking to Cordelia.

Oh, and I think all the things Fiona said to Madison during her apparent breakdown (misspent youth, regrets, etc) were true, even if they were part of her ploy. But I’ve got to admire that ruthlessness and narcissism.

American Horror Story Coven Fiona kills Madison

Now it’s in MTV hell. The horror.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

8 responses to “American Horror Story Season 3 Episode 3 – TV Review”

  1. Amadan says :

    i’m with you here… i really fear for a ryan murphy screwed finale

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