Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 4 – TV Review

Once Upon a Time star chart

Under the Dome did it better.

And Under the Dome’s had aliens, not lame, holey coconuts.

Just teasing. Once Upon a Time is still fantastic.

TL;DR Gold reunites with Baelfire and almost rescues Henry; Emma and co waste time lurking around Baelfire’s old hut in Neverland; Rumple encounters Pan in fairytale flashback.

Can Pan be considered paedophilic, even when he’s a physical child himself?

Gold takes centre stage this episode. He steels himself to go ahead with his suicide mission to save Henry. He happens upon a totally not-dead Baelfire, who is now in Neverland. They team up to get Henry back from Pan. And they do. Until Baelfire is unable to get over his trust issues, ditches his daddy, then is caught by Pan and loses Henry. Poor effort, dude. Meanwhile, Tinkerbell refuses to go ahead with the rescue plan she’s devised for Emma and the gang if they don’t have an adequate exit strategy. To this end, Hook shows the group to Baelfire’s hut/cave that he lived in when he was a boy in Neverland. They search for clues for how Baelfire was able to leave Neverland way back when. And in our flashback to the Enchanted Forest, Young Baelfire clashes with his Dark One father. Rumple has to save him from the Pied Piper (who turns out to be Pan), but Baelfire is pretty ungrateful.

Because getting kidnapped by a creepy adult-child is way better than living with a morally questionable, but loving father.

Can you believe it? A daddy issues-centric plot that I don’t totally hate. If only The CW could pull that off.

Still, it’s fucking frustrating that Baelfire and Gold have Henry in their bloody hands, then Baelfire immobilises Gold because he doesn’t trust him. Honestly, shouldn’t you be taking a risk on the magical supervillain who is your father, as opposed to the magical supervillain who is a child-stealing, imprisoning nightmare island ruler?

Better the devil who is your dad, I reckon.

 

Why I hate this episode:

I still feel like having the Dark One as a parent would have its perks. Baelfire, at any age, is just a bit of a brat, you know?

Regina gets shoved to the back seat this episode. Which is never okay with me.

I don’t understand why they really care about appeasing Tinkerbell so much. She’s already given them the plan. Her objection merely means she won’t personally accompany them on the assault on Pan’s camp. But depowered as she is, I don’t see why she would be an asset for it anyway.

Having had it built up as untouchable and unreachable, it was jarring how easily Baelfire and Gold just waltzed into Pan’s camp to get Henry. Emma and the crew had to waste time getting help from goddamn Tinkerbell, but Baelfire and Gold just find it with zero effort.

Gold is annoyingly keen on being a martyr. It’s like he wants to die saving Henry.

Baelfire kills a giant squid just to get a measly bit of magic ink to immobilise Pan (and later, Gold). Where’s PETA when you need them?

David is still refusing to come clean about his impending death. Who cares?

To save Young Baelfire from the Pied Pan, Rumple is instructed to ask Baelfire who he’d rather live with: his father, or Pan. Rumple’s like “fuck that” and just teleports his son and himself to safety. Baelfire has a shitfit about how he should have just asked him about his feeeeeelings. Oh my god, shutup.

Oh, and Henry seems to be coming around to Pan’s insistence on becoming a Lost Boy. Is Henry retarded?

 

But it’s not all bad:

On the other hand, Henry sucks, so I enjoy watching him make a fool of himself.

And while shallow, Pan’s efforts at convincing Henry are effective. He doesn’t do a bad job at playing Pied Piper, either. He’s a paedophilic kidnapper you can root for.

I kinda wanted Baelfire and Gold to sort their shit out. Gold’s reaction to finding out his son is alive (after initially threatening him because he thought he was simply a Belle-esque trick apparition) was heartwarming. And when Baelfire betrayed Gold because he couldn’t trust him, I was totes crushed, yo.

Emma has a big cry about how Baelfire’s dead (she doesn’t know he’s alive, either). This leads Snow to make a seemingly arbitrary comment to David about how she couldn’t go on if her love died. Seeing as that’s exactly what David is doing, I lol’d.

Best line goes to Regina. It’s pretty much her only contribution to the episode, but it’s worth it. She’s commenting on the holey coconuts with the light coming out: “Am I supposed to be impressed that me made a night light?” Burn baby, burn. Disco inferno.

She gives a decent effort when Snow suggests the holey coconut might be a colander: “Yes, because preteen Baelfire probably made lots of pasta.” Hey, watch the pasta abuse, plz.

To use the ink on Pan, Baelfire shoots a coated crossbow bolt. Pan catches it before it sticks him, and gloats. Then Baelfire reveals the tip isn’t coated, but the shaft. You slinky minx, B.

Hook laments that he was unable to protect Young Baelfire more. At least he taught him about star charts.

Gold does admit to Baelfire that he originally planned to kill Henry. I lol’d.

Rumple mentions that he grew up with Pan, and that Pan betrayed him. What is going on?

Oh, and while I admire Pan’s efficiency, he’s still a jerkass bitch who needs to be thrashed. Hard.

Once Upon a Time Peter Pan Pied Piper

And I hope that’s what they do.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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