The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 3 – TV Review

If Damon didn’t have his and Elena’s own troubled past (and her endless connection to Stefan) standing in the way of their relationship, now they’ve got 2000 years of fate to deal with.

And me. It will always be Stefan, kids.

Always.

TL;DR Qetsiyah’s with me on this one. She shows up to cause shit for Silas/lay down some important lore; Elena spends all episode with her boyfriend trying to find her ex-boyfriend; Katherine’s blood has become the cure for vampirism; Matt roleplays The Host.

But without Saoirse, what’s the point?

So as we saw last episode, Stefan is out of his box and ambling around the countryside. He is rescued/imprisoned by Qetsiyah (but you can call her Tessa. Because she wants to be hip and modern), who popped in from The Other Side while the veil was down. She uses some magic to link Stefan with Silas, rendering Silas’ powers useless. And Stefan gets amnesia. FFS. She also imparts the tale of her 2000 year old affair with Silas. She loved him, but he was only using her so he could get an immortality spell to take with his secret lovah, who herself was the original Katherine/Elena face. Q found out and things didn’t go well. Meanwhile in Mystic Falls, Prague Chick is only faking her allegiance to Silas so she can get her hands on Katherine, whose blood is now the cure. She also put her murdered sidekick’s consciousness inside Matt’s head for safekeeping. She thinks of everything.

Everything except the fact that Silas is an omnipotent hell demon and she only survives him executing her by insanely good timing.

I would complain that Caroline isn’t here this week, but the stricter scope also shoos Bonnie out of the picture, and I’m happy to take that as a victory.

I’m getting a bit sick of nobody being mortal and actually staying dead, though. Even Prague Chick’s boytoy gets to survive due to random magic.

So now TVD is even giving immunity to its minor characters. Things are bleak.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Seriously, even Qetsiyah is up in here. Can somebody just die?

Explosive amnesia was a contributing factor to my abandonment of Beauty & the Beast. Stop it, CW.

I incorrectly called the reintroduction of Ripper Stefan. He doesn’t go ripper mode. Why am I always wrong?

The softening of Katherine gets some more play. Katherine claims to really super dooper care about Stefan, and it doesn’t seem like she’s saying it ironically. Good god, no.

And she sincerely (sincerity is my one true enemy) thanks Elena for saving her skin after they’re attacked by Prague Chick. It hurts.

The “destined by fate” thing is cheesier than the underside of a hobo penis.

Katherine calls shotgun for her road trip with Elena and Damon, but they make her sit in the back. The injustice.

Ancient Greece Silas was an enormous dickhead. Did he really think he would get away with that? Qetsiyah is powerful enough to create a recipe for fucking immortality, and he thinks it’s a good idea to leave her hanging at the altar while he shacks up with her handmaiden. Tell me what planet you’re on. ‘Cause I don’t wanna be on it.

Elena places Stefan’s wellbeing above her own. Damon, that’s a red flag, baby.

Qetsiyah offers to hang onto Stefan so Damon might have a better chance with Elena. Damon attacks her in response. It was a good deal. Should have taken it.

This episode snags a prestigiously rare I Just Hate Everything worst line. Damon and Elena, despite what Q told them about fate being in their way, are not ready to give up. Damon least of all: “You are my life.” What happened to you, man? You used to be cool.

Oh, and now that I think about it, the cure being in Katherine’s blood now makes a lot of sense, and I’m surprised nobody had brought it up before. I’m disappointed in all of us.

 

But it’s not all bad:

It was a small moment, but when Elena reaches the cabin where Stefan is tied up, she runs only to Stefan’s aid, leaving an injured Damon looking on hopefully for her to come to him. Aww. Ya burnt.

I’m glad we’re finally getting some concrete deets on Silas and Qetsiyah’s past. Although, Qetsiyah is a crazy bitch, so I’m sure Silas’ side of the story will be a lot rosier.

Qetsiyah’s bad reaction to finding the naughty lovers in the woods is to force feed the cure to Origi-lena, then carve her up and present her heart to Silas. Nice work, bitch.

Prague Chick seems pretty cool after all. At the very least, she wants to protect Katherine, so I’m on board with that. Silas almost kills her by compelling her to aim her gun at her heart. Qetsiyah’s spell uploads at just the right time to stop it. It was cute.

Katherine gets best line (she’s around a lot so far this season. Good) when she gets into one of her trademark bitch fights with Elena: “I will admit, though, I take great pleasure in knowing that you wasted your one shot at human life on me.” Come back from that, Elena.

She also calls Elena “America’s most boring, self-righteous vampire.” Essentially.

And Qetsiyah gets her own dig at the Elena/Damon/Stefan love triangle: “It was like watching a soap opera. Except boring. And with no volume control.” Thank god for volume control.

Matt is momentarily cool when he’s in possession mode.

Qetsiyah and Silas are both members of The Travellers. I’m sure that will be important at some point.

She watched not only Stefan and Elena, but generations of doppelgangers find each other. Cash out now, Damon.

Silas hates Katherine, even though she looks like his one true love. She gets that a lot.

Oh, and Katherine wastes no opportunity to cause friction between Damon and Elena by bringing up Elena’s connection with Stefan. But according to her, she did have a more practical reason for coming on the road trip.

The Vampire Diaries Katherine shotgun

“Nah, jk. For play play.”

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

3 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 3 – TV Review”

  1. Amadan says :

    i have just one big concearn… if Q is out of the veil, Bonnie is going to do the same anytime soon! we’ll never get rid of her, will we?

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