BATGit Insane: Beauty and the Geek Australia Premiere – Blog

Beauty and the Geek Australia Nathan war dance challenge

Sadly, he doesn’t win.

Already watched Australia’s worst dating show?

Well, now you can watch the second worst.

Beauty and the Geek Australia has rapidly descended further and further into an obviously artificial, depressing parade of stereotypes and forced Aesops. The most recent series have taken this to the next gruelling level and made BATG, essentially, a dating show.

Big Brother may try with the Jade/Ed, Tully/Drew stuff, but they can never reach these embarrassing heights of “romance.”

Wasn’t this show originally supposed to be about giving a group of socially awkward yet intelligent men social skills, and helping beautiful but intellectually subpar women gain confidence and self-worth?

No lolz, let’s shack these bitchez up with some cyoot nerdzzzzzz ahahahhaaaahah.

But, you know, it’s still better than The Bachelor. So here are our teams:

Emily and Brett
She’s an ex professional cheerleader, he’s a “gamer,” which is apparently all you need to qualify as a geek these days. Brett’s got the most disgusting beard I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen my pubes. They both seem pretty nice, though, and don’t obviously hate each other. So that’s cool. Emily wins the crab spelling challenge (I know), and she is surprisingly well-spoken when she nominates Kassi/Brandon for elimination. If Brett can look more like a human being and less like my crotch on fertiliser, then maybe I can care about them.

Sheridan and Peter
She’s a lifeguard, he’s a calibration physicist. She didn’t seem particularly dumb or superficial, and he dressed rather fabulously. Which might explain why they were the first ones to go. If you don’t fit the stereotypes to the letter, then you can fuck off, I guess.

Ntula and Zac
I’m sorry, I thought this show was called “Beauty and the Geek,” not “5/10 and the Geek.” Ntula is straight up not beautiful. She’s got horrendous teeth, and her face is nothing special. Her beauty designation is “shopaholic,” which I think is the polite way of saying she’s not pretty enough to be a cheerleader or spray tanner. Zac is a British historian or some shit. Notably, he was the only Geek to have more than one Beauty go for him (Kassi, Jenna and Bella went for him, too). They get extra demerit points for Ntula having to inform Zac who The Hulk is. Get your fucking Geek culture on the right gender, BATG. God.

Erin and Nathan
She’s a babysitter (so, mentally, a 14 year old girl), he’s an IT guru. Which is a polite way of saying “I like computers.” So geeky, huh? I found Nathan to be pretty cute at first (he does stripper dancing for the war dance challenge). That was until he seriously expected Erin to know what a parabola was. What a fucking douche move. Get out, you little smarmy cunt. That said, Erin is going hard for the title of dumbest Beauty. But a parabola? Fuck you, Nathan.

Bella and Alex (and Courtenay)
Bella’s an “eyebrow technician,” Alex is a Dr Who fanatic (sorry, Brett. You’ve just been outGEEKED. So hard). Alex is obviously an actor. He’s got abs and pecs. And not in a typical, skinny-fat geek way. In a real way. He also does Gangnam Style in his war dance challenge, which is an instant dealbreaker. At one point he says he’s as excited as he was when the latest series of Doctor Who premiered. But everyone knows Series 7 was garbage. Fake fan! Bella’s got a piercing Kiwi accent, but I like her. For winning the war dance challenge, Alex receives Courtenay as his “second beauty.” She comes in a crate on the beach. Because women are objects for men to fight over, amirite? Her goal is to be a WAG, though, so that’s probably all she deserves in life.

Jenna and Matthew
She’s a Lara Bingle look-a-like (the poor girl), he’s an explosives expert (actually cool). They haven’t really done much so far. Apart from her resemblence to the Antichrist of Australian pop culture, Jenna seems mostly harmless. She mispronounces “tentacles” as “testicles” which, while painfully scripted, is adorable. Matthew could do with losing the beard. They need more screentime.

Kassi and Brandon
She’s a trainee (oh, honey) spray tanner, he’s an app entrepeneur (so trendy. Staying fresh, Channel 7). Kassi is the best looking Beauty, and does her duty by being almost as airheaded as Erin. Brandon is our token neckbeard. Like Alex, he seems a little too fit to be a Geek. I’ll give him a little more time before I call actor, though. These guys survive the elimination quiz, so they’re off to a good start.

Temaura and Michael
She’s unemployed, he’s a time traveller. So I guess that means these guys are our joke couple. Temaura is probably a few points behind Ntula for the least attractive Beauty (dat wide face). Conversely, Michael has a killer jawline, and I suspect would look quite manly once they chop off that mermaid hair. Fun fact: my iPhone kept autocorrecting Temaura to “tempura.” I imagine she’s heard that one before.

I’m not going to make any predictions, because BATG is stupidly unpredictable. However, I’m gonna tip Alex, Michael, and Brett for Geek Most Likely To Win. And Kassi, Jenna, and Emily for Beauty Most Likely. Because they’re the prettiest.

A few quick shots:

Thank god they dumped that Bernard guy as host. He was ugly and often sounded aggressive. James Tobin is a much prettier choice. The job isn’t as cushy as Osher Gunsberg’s on The Bachelor (show up and do absolutely nothing twice an episode. Maybe), but James must be happy to be back from weather presenting obscurity. I miss Go Go Stop.

He bungled his very first episode, though. He pronunced “anemone” incorrectly (the admittedly common “ah-nen-nah-mee”) during the crab spelling challenge, and the Beauty unsurprisingly spelled it wrong.

The show tried to pretend that our contestants were camping out for a couple of nights in essentially exposed conditions, also making a point of saying the Beauties would have no mirrors to do their makeup. Oh, that explains why they all had horrendous makeup during the following shooting days. Oh, wait.

On their way to the island, the Beauties have to get on a rickety canoe+outrigger combo with their luggage. Their “luggage” visibly gets wet from almost tipping into the ocean a couple of times. So fake. And if it was real, so rude.

Ntula is upping the stakes in the weirdly named reality TV contestant game. Et tu, Boog.

During the crab spelling challenge, they stop showing the crabs after a couple of the Beauties lose. For the final between Emily/Brett and Sheridan/Peter, James says there are bigger crabs as a punishment for losing. Sheridan loses, but we don’t see the big crabs get frisky with Peter. It’s simply omitted. Rude.

And honestly, I wish I could get as excited about anything as much as these guys get excited about everything.

Beauty and the Geek Australia Brett Emily

Omg, stop!
Save that for when the ratings tank.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

40 responses to “BATGit Insane: Beauty and the Geek Australia Premiere – Blog”

  1. Ash says :

    You are a peice of shit.
    This show is awesome.
    Don’t think the guys are actors. Get real.
    Ntula isn’t ugly. However, her name is hilarious. I can’t help but call her nutella.
    I think she’s the funniest, and Erin.
    And don’t call tempura ugly either. Her face is amazing.
    The romances on this show are so cute!
    I love the doctor who fanatic, i hope he finds love. You are just a hater.
    Get a life you dumb faggot. Beauty and the geek is awesome trash tv!

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      Now that I’ve seen “Nutella,” that’s all I can think of. Oh god.

      • Ash says :

        I know right? Hilarious though. Zac and Ntula are my picks to win as well as Nathan and Erin. Those two teams make me lol.

        • ijusthateeverything says :

          Was it Nathan who was afraid of the G-String? That was adorable.

          • Ash says :

            I think so. The fact that he ran away from it made me laugh so hard!
            My favorite quotes from it include “I thought metaphors are things that crash into the Earth” – Ntula. And “I have no idea what my IQ is. It would be really low though. Or high, which ever one is bad” – Erin. Hahahah funniest beauties ever. No actors can come up with this shit.

  2. Georgia says :

    I’m not sure if your article is supposed to be funny? If you are trying to be funny please STAHP!
    I actually know one of the geeks personally and he is indeed incredibly geeky. Do not underestimate the power of editing to make the guys appear “geekier” and the girls to appear “dumber” than what they truly are.

    I’m sure the girls arnt that stupid, however have their moments. Like any regular human being.
    You’re comments about one or two not being pretty enough for the show are incredibly pathetic. Beauty is skin deep my friend, all these girls seem beautiful on the outside and on the inside to me.
    They are all hot.

    So please, take a breather and realize that this show is supposed to be for some light humour and fun on your Thursday nights.
    This review sucks, your memes suck.
    You are not funny.
    I would delete this blog if I were you.

    – G

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      I’m aware the show is edited to make them seem the way the show wants us to see them. But editing can’t show us anything that wasn’t actually said.

      Unless they’re acting, or Channel 7 is completely unscrupulous and cobbles off-screen dialogue together. Of which both are pretty plausible.

    • Georgia says :

      Agreeing with you on that one.
      However, no excuse to pick on these people! I know one of the geeks and he is perfectly aware that these comments are coming but your comments are just rude. He told me not only his beauty was nice but all the girls are really nice.
      No reason to call any of them “not pretty enough”. By all means, review tv shows but don’t call someone ugly or fat. Those comments are just pathetic.
      Hope you consider this in your upcoming reviews.

      – G

  3. Michael says :

    You’re a cunt.
    Did you wank over yourself whilst writing this peice of crap?

    FUCKING MORON.
    Shittest thing I’ve ever read.

    Don’t quit your day job kent.

  4. Jake says :

    This reviews stinks as much as my toilet after a big grog bog.

    Not funny. You try too hard.
    1/10

  5. Jason says :

    Your blog is a fail.
    The Internet hates you.

  6. Tom says :

    Mate this review sucks ballsack.
    Agreed, your not funny.

    Just wrote about the show and stop trying so hard to make jokes about contestants dickhead.

  7. Scott says :

    Who knew BATG fanatics were so humourless?

    • Georgia says :

      We do have humour however this is mindless dribble. If you want to be funny, perhaps understand the shows concept before writing about the show. How old are you and where are you from? Two key indicators which could answer the likelihood of your poor sense of humour and overall ignorance and arrogance.

      • ijusthateeverything says :

        Having watched all the Australian series and a couple of the American ones, I think I’ve got an understanding of the concept, as I mentioned in the post.

        It disappoints me that the Australian one has gone harder and harder on the romance angle.

  8. Ntula Fan says :

    I think Ntula looks stunning, so surprised by your view. Each to their own I suppose. The thing I like about BATG is that everyone genuinely seems to like each other. Constrast with most reality shows which try to play up the competitive angle between the contestents.

  9. Entropy says :

    Lol. Way to be judgmental and cruel. A geek can’t have abs? They have to be stick-thin or overweight? Obvs an actor? I’m only watching this season because someone I know is on it, and seeing you pass arbitrary judgement over people that’s reflective of a totally sociocultural norm is kind of stupid. It’s not so much reflective of what a geek is, as to what you think a geek should be. If you don’t know reality TV shows edit content specifically to reflect their desires, then obviously you don’t know enough about TV, let alone this show.

    For example, you don’t know that the show was filmed several months ago, so the contestants wouldn’t know the new Dr Who season since it HADN’T COME OUT YET.

    Also, take that ‘fake fan’ bs and tuck it away in the pile of bigoted trash that you got it from. It’s not funny.

    Research. Do some. In case, you know, you offend the shit out of someone.

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      Series 7 of Doctor Who premiered in September 2012 and ended in May 2013.

      Though, depending on exactly when BATG was filmed, he might have only seen the pre-hiatus episodes, which were okay-ish. Things really started to nosedive when it came back on in March.

      So I guess we’ll have to split this one.

  10. Anonymous says :

    the reviewer is a bigot
    and
    i think NTULA is gorgeous
    you must be super smart and fabulously good looking to diatribe people so badly .. lets just call it all dribble.

  11. Anonymous says :

    I giggled in this review. Agree Ntula’s face isn’t that flash, but my god, that tit to ass ratio…10/10

  12. red says :

    Ntula is not a beauty!!! Totally agree with you

  13. Anonymous says :

    haha one of the people on the show is my partner. your comment is the best thing I’ve read about them so far. Def not too harsh, this show is a joke.

  14. Anonymous says :

    oh but sadly they’re not actors :/

  15. notabeauty says :

    Nathan’s my partner. Pretty sure he doesn’t know what a parabola is either (some bits are scripted).
    (hope he doesn’t Google himself again any time soon and get mad at me lel)

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