BATGit Insane: Beauty and the Geek Australia Premiere – Blog
Well, now you can watch the second worst.
Beauty and the Geek Australia has rapidly descended further and further into an obviously artificial, depressing parade of stereotypes and forced Aesops. The most recent series have taken this to the next gruelling level and made BATG, essentially, a dating show.
Big Brother may try with the Jade/Ed, Tully/Drew stuff, but they can never reach these embarrassing heights of “romance.”
Wasn’t this show originally supposed to be about giving a group of socially awkward yet intelligent men social skills, and helping beautiful but intellectually subpar women gain confidence and self-worth?
No lolz, let’s shack these bitchez up with some cyoot nerdzzzzzz ahahahhaaaahah.
But, you know, it’s still better than The Bachelor. So here are our teams:
Emily and Brett
She’s an ex professional cheerleader, he’s a “gamer,” which is apparently all you need to qualify as a geek these days. Brett’s got the most disgusting beard I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen my pubes. They both seem pretty nice, though, and don’t obviously hate each other. So that’s cool. Emily wins the crab spelling challenge (I know), and she is surprisingly well-spoken when she nominates Kassi/Brandon for elimination. If Brett can look more like a human being and less like my crotch on fertiliser, then maybe I can care about them.
Sheridan and Peter
She’s a lifeguard, he’s a calibration physicist. She didn’t seem particularly dumb or superficial, and he dressed rather fabulously. Which might explain why they were the first ones to go. If you don’t fit the stereotypes to the letter, then you can fuck off, I guess.
Ntula and Zac
I’m sorry, I thought this show was called “Beauty and the Geek,” not “5/10 and the Geek.” Ntula is straight up not beautiful. She’s got horrendous teeth, and her face is nothing special. Her beauty designation is “shopaholic,” which I think is the polite way of saying she’s not pretty enough to be a cheerleader or spray tanner. Zac is a British historian or some shit. Notably, he was the only Geek to have more than one Beauty go for him (Kassi, Jenna and Bella went for him, too). They get extra demerit points for Ntula having to inform Zac who The Hulk is. Get your fucking Geek culture on the right gender, BATG. God.
Erin and Nathan
She’s a babysitter (so, mentally, a 14 year old girl), he’s an IT guru. Which is a polite way of saying “I like computers.” So geeky, huh? I found Nathan to be pretty cute at first (he does stripper dancing for the war dance challenge). That was until he seriously expected Erin to know what a parabola was. What a fucking douche move. Get out, you little smarmy cunt. That said, Erin is going hard for the title of dumbest Beauty. But a parabola? Fuck you, Nathan.
Bella and Alex (and Courtenay)
Bella’s an “eyebrow technician,” Alex is a Dr Who fanatic (sorry, Brett. You’ve just been outGEEKED. So hard). Alex is obviously an actor. He’s got abs and pecs. And not in a typical, skinny-fat geek way. In a real way. He also does Gangnam Style in his war dance challenge, which is an instant dealbreaker. At one point he says he’s as excited as he was when the latest series of Doctor Who premiered. But everyone knows Series 7 was garbage. Fake fan! Bella’s got a piercing Kiwi accent, but I like her. For winning the war dance challenge, Alex receives Courtenay as his “second beauty.” She comes in a crate on the beach. Because women are objects for men to fight over, amirite? Her goal is to be a WAG, though, so that’s probably all she deserves in life.
Jenna and Matthew
She’s a Lara Bingle look-a-like (the poor girl), he’s an explosives expert (actually cool). They haven’t really done much so far. Apart from her resemblence to the Antichrist of Australian pop culture, Jenna seems mostly harmless. She mispronounces “tentacles” as “testicles” which, while painfully scripted, is adorable. Matthew could do with losing the beard. They need more screentime.
Kassi and Brandon
She’s a trainee (oh, honey) spray tanner, he’s an app entrepeneur (so trendy. Staying fresh, Channel 7). Kassi is the best looking Beauty, and does her duty by being almost as airheaded as Erin. Brandon is our token neckbeard. Like Alex, he seems a little too fit to be a Geek. I’ll give him a little more time before I call actor, though. These guys survive the elimination quiz, so they’re off to a good start.
Temaura and Michael
She’s unemployed, he’s a time traveller. So I guess that means these guys are our joke couple. Temaura is probably a few points behind Ntula for the least attractive Beauty (dat wide face). Conversely, Michael has a killer jawline, and I suspect would look quite manly once they chop off that mermaid hair. Fun fact: my iPhone kept autocorrecting Temaura to “tempura.” I imagine she’s heard that one before.
I’m not going to make any predictions, because BATG is stupidly unpredictable. However, I’m gonna tip Alex, Michael, and Brett for Geek Most Likely To Win. And Kassi, Jenna, and Emily for Beauty Most Likely. Because they’re the prettiest.
A few quick shots:
Thank god they dumped that Bernard guy as host. He was ugly and often sounded aggressive. James Tobin is a much prettier choice. The job isn’t as cushy as Osher Gunsberg’s on The Bachelor (show up and do absolutely nothing twice an episode. Maybe), but James must be happy to be back from weather presenting obscurity. I miss Go Go Stop.
He bungled his very first episode, though. He pronunced “anemone” incorrectly (the admittedly common “ah-nen-nah-mee”) during the crab spelling challenge, and the Beauty unsurprisingly spelled it wrong.
The show tried to pretend that our contestants were camping out for a couple of nights in essentially exposed conditions, also making a point of saying the Beauties would have no mirrors to do their makeup. Oh, that explains why they all had horrendous makeup during the following shooting days. Oh, wait.
On their way to the island, the Beauties have to get on a rickety canoe+outrigger combo with their luggage. Their “luggage” visibly gets wet from almost tipping into the ocean a couple of times. So fake. And if it was real, so rude.
Ntula is upping the stakes in the weirdly named reality TV contestant game. Et tu, Boog.
During the crab spelling challenge, they stop showing the crabs after a couple of the Beauties lose. For the final between Emily/Brett and Sheridan/Peter, James says there are bigger crabs as a punishment for losing. Sheridan loses, but we don’t see the big crabs get frisky with Peter. It’s simply omitted. Rude.
And honestly, I wish I could get as excited about anything as much as these guys get excited about everything.