Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 3 – TV Review

Once Upon a Time Tinkerbell Regina

Someone needs more clapping.

More Disney whoring. Like child, like parent.

But that’s what we come for, isn’t it?

TL;DR Regina has yet another enemy from her past (Tinkerbell), who our heroes seek to help them find Pan; Baelfire hitches a ride to Neverland; Mulan mistakenly believes her subplot is relevant anymore.

Not for a long time, baby.

The Neverland plot this episode sees our 5 hero band running into difficulties using the map to locate Pan’s base (it keeps moving). Hook suggests they go get some pixie dust help from Tinkerbell, but Regina is not keen on it. This is because back when Regina was still young and under tutelage from Rumple, she got all sad about her boyfriend being dead and shit. Tinkerbell, seeing Regina’s deep sadness, pinched some pixie dust from Blue Bitch’s reserves and showed Regina a path to a new love. But Regina selfishly rejected it (and Tinkerbell), leaving Tink in hot water from both the boss she stole from, and the supposed friend she stole for. Blue Bitch took her wings as a result. But present day Tinkerbell sees what bitterness has done to Regina, and decides to help anyway. Meanwhile, Baelfire convinces Robin Hood to use his own son (of a dead wife, I might add) to bait Shadow Pan out. Baelfire grabs onto Shadow’s leg and flies back to Neverland. And there are a few bland scenes where Pan tries to convince Henry’s he’s the saviour.

Aww, I was hoping Pan’s desire for the heart of the truest believer would be more along the “rip it outta yo’ chest” lines.

Luckily, we do get some Regina style heart-ripping, so it’s not all bad.

Choosing my major meh this episode was tough. It’s mostly benign. We’re only 3 episodes in, remember? If I had to pick one, though, it’d be the Regina/Tinkerbell stuff. Mainly because the ultimate payoff of the plotline is finding out who the pixie dust had picked out to be Regina’s new love.

And it’s Robin Hood.

Fuck off, bro. Graham was her true love and we all know that so stop.


Why I hate this episode:

The impending romance subplot between Robin and Regina is making me angry already. Nobody is good enough for her, let alone a falsely-noble little thief like that sack of crap. On the plus side, he obviously has very little willpower. He’s been guarding an empty castle in a deserted land for a several year old debt. Maybe Regina won’t even have to tear his heart out to control him. Sexually.

And I liked that Regina was this strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. I’d like to believe, given that ABC has done a fantastic job with Once Upon a Time following season 1, that Regina won’t be pushed into a disgusting romance plot. But I don’t have enough faith within me to expect the best.

As much as I love endangering children (Henry for next character to die?), Baelfire is scarily nonchalant about risking Robin’s son. What a hero.

Pan seems to be going all nice on Henry. He’s, like, trying to convince how important he is and how cool it’ll be to stay in Neverland and help Pan save magic. Just rip his heart out and eat it already or whatever.

Blue Bitch is a cunt to Tinkerbell. And not the cool, Regina kind.

Equally, Tinkerbell is way too eager to throw her entire future under the bus to help some chick she just met. I appreciate her understanding, but her commitment is crazy.

This Dreamshade stuff (the poison on the arrow that hurt David) is like the flavour of the month or something. First David got injured by it last episode, now Pan is breaking it out again during his shooting game with Henry. Even Tinkerbell has a Dreamshade arrow to threaten Regina with. It’s just a lazy way to raise the stakes.

Emma plays the “I’m a mum, I’m special” card again.

Oh, and the way to summon Shadow is for a child to say “I believe.” Because that’s a really rare, obscure phrase that would never just happen in normal conversation. Shadow must be very busy.


But it’s not all bad:

Apart from her clinger tendencies, Tinkerbell is a pretty cool chick. She’s fun, her outfits are cute (even her hobo look. Not the hair, though), and she seems reasonable. Regina pulls her own heart out and offers it to Tinkerbell to exact her revenge. But after some rational pleading from Regina (look at how black and hard it is, etc), Tinkerbell chooses to not kill Regina. Then Emma and the gang implore her to help them find the camp, and she decides to be the bigger fairy and give them a hand. And not be a dick or a martyr about it.

She’s also Kiwi to the core, which is kind of fantastic.

Hook flirts with her, too. Extreme size difference is a fetish, right?

Pan’s game with Henry is to force Henry to use a nighshade-tipped bolt to crossbow shoot an apple from a Lost Boy’s head. I was surprised when Henry had the presence of mind to try to shoot Pan himself. Pan was ready for it, naturally, but damn, H. I’m impressed.

Best line goes to Regina in the flashback, when she’s laying out her grievances to Tinkerbell: “My happy ending looks like Snow’s head on a plate.” Never give up on your dreams.

Emma gets second best line when she figures out that Regina is lagging behind because she doesn’t want to see Tinkerbell. She offers this with no inflection of surprise: “What did you do to her?” That’s dryer than (whatever’s left of) Joan Rivers’ vagina.

Tinkerbell knocks Regina out with some powder stuff. Upon waking up, Regina recognises that Tinkerbell doesn’t have the magic to do that, and thinks the powder might have been from poppies. Looks like the Wizard of Oz universe might be making an appearance soon.

David gets excited to see Tinkerbell because he thinks pixie dust might heal his wound. Then there is none. I revel in his disappointment (and impending death).

In the flashback, Regina dines on a roasted swan. Rumple lols. I lol’d.

Oh, and Mulan is offered a position in Robin’s band of Merry Men. Before she agrees, she has to go back and tell something important to Sleeping Beauty. When she gets there, she is greeted by Sleeping Beauty, who pre-empts Mulan’s confession by stating she’s knocked up with Phillip’s baby. If I didn’t know better (there’s been sexual tension between Phillip and Mulan before), I’d think that Mulan might have a wet-on for Sleeping Beauty. But we all know that could never happen on a show like this.

Once Upon a Time Mulan gay Sleeping Beauty

We can’t handle the truth.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

11 responses to “Once Upon a Time Season 3 Episode 3 – TV Review”

  1. Amadan says :

    I’m pretty confident mulan wanted to declare her true love to SB.
    I mean, it never crossed my mind she was going for Philipp…
    Do you think she was going for Phillip? I feel like I lived my life all wrong thinking Mulan was the obvious only lesbian of both worlds…

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