The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 1 – TV Review

The Vampire Diarieas season 5 premiere Katherine drunk

This is Katherine, not Elena. In case you needed the clarification.

She’s a fucking rockstar.

Also, TVD’s back.

Thought you might wanna know.

TL;DR Elena and Caroline’s start of college has vampiric complications; Silas is rolling around Mystic Falls causing trouble/mind control; Damon becomes a sentimental soft-cock; and Katherine takes to her humanity with mixed results.

I will never forgive Elena.

The plot finds itself pretty evenly split between the college stuff and the Mystic Falls stuff. But the Mystic Falls side has Katherine in it, so we’ll start there. Elena and Caroline have fucked off to college, leaving Damon and Jeremy chilling in the Salvatore house (the Gilbert one is gone, remember?). Jeremy tries to reintegrate himself into school life (his “death” is given some hand-wave excuse. Something something I faked my death due to depression. Whatever), but gets expelled when he kicks the shit out of some bullies. Meanwhile, Katherine comes to Damon for protection. Silas shows up passing as Stefan, and when Damon and Jeremy figure him out, he demands Katherine. K-Town is having none of that mess, though, and promptly fucks off. Over at college, Elena and Caroline suspect their new roommate might know about vampires (she has vervain water). This theory is debunked when the roommate is killed by a vampire. Elena finds a photo on the girl’s phone of her and Grayson Gilbert, too. And Matt returns to town after a sexy road trip with Rebekah where he lost his immortality ring to a skank in Prague. She shows up in Mystic Falls and does some witchy mindfuck thing to him. We are awaiting results.

Oh, and Jeremy and Ghost Bonnie are hiding Bonnie’s death from everyone. And Silas mind controls a chunk of Mystic Falls and kills Bonnie’s dad.

Bonnie’s anguish is like an aphrodisiac to me.

TVD is no slouch when it comes to season openers, and they’ve stayed on form for this one. So reliable.

Naturally, if I had to choose my one gripe, it would be with Bonnie. Just fuck off. Seriously. You’re dead. Be dead for a while.

Why I hate this episode:

Damon is turning soft. He plays daddy to Jeremy, and it appears he’s doing it above his simple concern for impressing Elena. When he saves Jeremy from his car crash injuries later in the episode (Katherine crashed the car so Jeremy couldn’t hand her over to Silas), it sounds like he’s actually invested in Jeremy’s wellbeing. Pfft.

There’s a very minor subplot involving Stefan, who’s still trapped in a box in a river. He periodically wakes up and drowns in an endless loop. During his periods of unconsciousness, he has fantasies where Damon is advising him to flip his emotion switch so drowning doesn’t suck as much. (Un)luckily, Elena shows up later to tell him to keep fighting. Bitch, he’s in an endless death loop. Let him be numb for a bit. Elena’s even a dick when she’s a figment of Stefan’s imagination.

The “Matt losing the ring” thing is brought up so arbitrarily. Rebekah just mentions it as a by-the-way kinda thing. “Hey, we fucked some chick in Prague and you lost your ring lolz.” Artful.

Jeremy’s expulsion is stupid. There were plenty of witnesses who saw a gang of dudes attack him. Just because Jeremy smacked those bitches down doesn’t mean he deserves expulsion.

There was a prime opportunity for Katherine to try and sex her way out of Jeremy taking her back to Silas, and she didn’t use it. Dammit.

Tyler blows off college so he can go gallavanting around with some werewolf pack, much to Caroline’s dismay. Who cares?

Oh, and when Silas kills Bonnie’s dad, I think we were supposed to care? I didn’t.

But it’s not all bad:

Katherine is back. And now that she’s human, her vampiric tolerance to alcohol has worn off. So bitch gets draaaaaank. She is the only thing in this world worthy of aspiration.

When it becomes clear that Jeremy and Damon are going to comply with Silas, she runs the car into a pole. Even though her human body is battered, she hobbles the fuck away from that noise.

Silas, as a countermeasure, then mind controls an entire Mystic Falls public event and sets them on a mission to find her. She better be hobbling fast.

The college stuff isn’t as banal as I expected it to be. I’m a bit disappointed that Elena and Caroline’s roommate got killed off so quickly, but she’s left a fabulous mystery in her wake: she had vervain water, she was killed by a vampire, and she had that photo of her and Grayson. Elena and Caroline better put their Vernoica Mars pants on and get cracking.

The Matt thing is off to the side, but could have some intrigue to it. Skanky Chick gets some guy to grab Matt’s head. He speaks some chant thing, which makes Matt’s eyes go all black, then back to normal. Sleeper agent?

Best line goes to Katherine. Are you even surprised? She’s complaining to Damon about some of the inconveniences of being human: “Do you have any idea what it’s like to run in heels?” I would be willing to watch Damon chuck some on and try.

She also gets second best line. She answers the Salvatore phone, which is the principal calling to tell “Elena” of Jeremy’s expulsion. She relays the info to Damon: “So Jeremy’s been expelled. Elena would be cool with that, right?” She clearly doesn’t give a fuck.

Stefan keeps dying. I lol’d.

The title of the episode is “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” Oh, Kevin Williamson. So modest.

Silas reveals himself to Sheriff Liz (before erasing her memory of the convo) and explains that he is what vampires come from, but that he himself definitely isn’t a vampire (and doesn’t like being called one). He still has to drink blood, though. And he later explains to Damon that his doppelganger was created by nature as a way of creating a killable version of Silas.

Elena and Caroline have an awkward moment where they can’t get into a house to go to a frat party. Loved it.

Oh, and Bonnie is still totally dead, and now her daddy is, too. As long as she is anguished, I guess I can tolerate her hanging around.

The Vampire Diaries season 5 premiere Bonnie

If only Bonnie could be this fucked over all the time. I would be so happy.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

12 responses to “The Vampire Diaries Season 5 Episode 1 – TV Review”

  1. Anonymous says :

    the bitch can’t manage to stay dead and silent uh?
    tyler is an idiot. the only excuse to ditch caroline is to be a rampaging gay on a lose with gay pack friends (but i guess we will never see this. there are no gays in mystic falls).

    in favor of damon… well… i couldn’t resist a hug with an unconscious jeremy… so i forgive him for being soft. we all love dying puppies after all^^

    i hate elena most than everything i still don’t know how the actress is so good to make katherine so believable and awesome even when human! i thought only sarah michelle gellar could do that!

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