Revenge Season 3 Episode 1 – TV Review

Revenge season 3 premiere Victoria

Can you believe it?

Season 3. Wow.

If nothing else, Revenge’s longevity in the face of its shameful mediocrity is inspiring.

TL;DR Emily tricks Conrad into thinking he’s got a fatal disease; Ashley is run out of town; Victoria desperately tries to stay relevant to the show; Charlotte got a haircut.

It was long overdue.

The plot starts with Emily getting shot and falling overboard a yacht in a wedding dress. We jump back to 2 months previous, which is 6 months after last season. Emily is still on the way to getting married to Daniel, which she intends to be the final piece of her revenge puzzle. Jack, though still horny for her, isn’t interested in the mess she has become and gives her the ultimatum of finishing her plan before summer’s up, or he’ll out her as Amanda. This episode sees her tricking Conrad into thinking he has Huntington’s disease, effectively shattering his presidential hopes and ruining his career. She also takes some time to dupe Victoria into running Ashley out of the country. Elsewhere, Victoria had been spending time with Patrick, but he leaves after Charlotte threatens him with vagueness. Nolan’s out of prison but is broke and no longer going to be Emily’s tech support. And Aiden shows up very much alive (you have disappointed me, Daniel) and ready to team up with Victoria to destroy Emily.

Seriously, you guys should just all shoot each other. It would be way easier (and you’re clearly not above it).

The episode is pretty much standard Revenge: just enough excitement to keep you awake, plenty of plot threads (even if they’re uneventful), and nice dresses.

While I am going to stick to my declaration from January, I have hope that things might get better, because from the way the characters are talking, this could be the last season.

Thank god for that.

 

Why I hate this episode:

Victoria is still just a dumb puppet. All she does this episode is think she’s being badass against Ashley when she’s really just playing into Emily’s hand. And her other plotline is her sooking over Patrick. Victoria needs to stand up for herself.

I was hoping Daniel had killed Aiden. Both because I’m sick to death of Aiden, and because Daniel is another Grayson in need of some badassery points.

Charlotte’s flat tummy shows she didn’t have her baby. Why waste our time with that pregnancy garbage, then? Declan would be turning in his grave.

Charlotte mistakes Patrick for Victoria’s boytoy, and I can see why. They have a very uncomfortable (and I hope unintentional) sexual tension. I don’t think Revenge is really on the right network for incest. Leave it for HBO.

Nolan has even less reason to be a part of the show now. He’s lost his company, presumably his fortune, and he refuses to do any more cyber crime to help out Emily. His only contribution this episode is to parachute into the Memorial Day party so he can sneak Emily the drug she needs to poison Conrad. Yeah, that’s not gonna be feasible every episode, baby.

Jack is a melodramatic brat. Yeah, Emily screwed you over for a long time. But she is the legitimate Amanda Clarke. And a much better option than Fake Amanda/Real Emily. Get on it.

And if Emily was serious about her revenge and not a slave to her quivering labia, she’d laugh in Jack’s face with that ultimatum bullshit. This season is supposed to be about recovering her priorities. Then do it right.

Oh, and Victoria actually cries about Patrick leaving and Conrad being deathly ill. Woman, steel yourself.

 

But it’s not all bad:

The Initiative and Carrion are done. No, really, here’s the best line of the episode, courtesy of Emily: “Let’s never say the words ‘Carrion’ and ‘Initiative’ ever again.” Please don’t.

She says that to Nolan after he is released from prison, mirroring Emily’s release years ago. The Emily/Nolan friendship is really the only relationship I still have any enthusiasm for. Even if he is useless.

The episode starts with a bang, just like the first season. I am optimistic that this season can bring us back to Earth. I’ll be even more optimistic if they can confirm it’s not coming back for another season. Let’s wrap this shit up.

Charlotte got a haircut and a new, edgier wardrobe. It helps me see her as less of a pointless obstruction.

Conrad’s narcissism (he unveils a huge portait of himself at the party) is glorious.

Emily and Victoria make a good looking team when they fuck Ashley off. And they still hate each other, which makes for some snarktacular tension.

Emily tricking someone into thinking they have a fatal disease is nasty as fuck. I approve.

Oh, and Patrick looks good with his shirt off. Eye candy could save this show yet.

Revenge Patrick shirtless towel

Daniel never really cut it.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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