Catching Up On Old, Cancelled Shit – Blog

The Beautiful Life TBL

Audiences, apparently.

Because I spent 7 minutes trying to come up with a good title to this post, and finally gave up.

Just like how the following shows were given up on.

I am profound. Accept it.

I also have no life, because I’ve spent 2 weeks literally just binge watching shows that were so bad they were cancelled after/during a single season. Had you not figured that out already?

 

Hidden Palms Amber Heard

I’m just kidding. Amber is a classy lady.

Hidden Palms

The CW. 8 Episodes. 2007.

Why I watched it: Kevin Williamson created it. I’ll give anything a go for the man behind Scream and TVD. Even The Secret Circle.

Hidden Palms had been on my list for a long time. And not just because of Kevin Williamson (didn’t actually know he was part of it until recently. Thanks, Wikipedia). No, my interest was mainly due to it starring Amber Heard, who is pretty much perfection to me (she better get a decent amount of screen time in Machete Kills).

It’s an unambitious teen drama set in Palm Springs. There’s a lot of aimless angst. The murder mystery never really reaches any heights. I guess I’ve been jaded by the utter insanity of the PLL version that this was never going to have any impact on me. At least Tessa Thompson turns up to reprise almost exactly the same role she played in Veronica Mars.

I hate this show because it’s uncharacteristically bland for a Kevin Williamson venture; it underuses Amber Heard (a crime); and the cross-dressing, squeaky voiced mentor is weird. He’s cute, but so incongruous for an otherwise formula teen drama.

You should check it out because Amber Heard, bitch; Cliff is cute and has a hot voice; the opening credits are sublimely moody; and it at least answered the murder mystery question by the end. That’s courtesy, baby.

Should it have been renewed? No. There was potential, but no.

 

Valentine cast

Denial is a powerful thing.

Valentine

The CW. 8 Episodes. 2009.

Why I watched it: Autumn Reeser is in it. I know The OC season 4 was a long time ago, but I still hold hope she can bring it all back.

Another CW show (there’s more coming), and the first to feature Jaime Murray (there’s more coming). Valentine was a bizarre, stupid show about a family of Greek gods living in modern America. They run a love agency thing and act as cupid, because mythology is whatever, right? Christine Lakin (a goddess herself, for sure) is a human romance novelist that they recruit to help them stay modern. Because nothing says “keeping with the times” like someone who writes books.

I hate this show because the whole premise seems like a rejected Charmed episode (and I’m talking post-Prue Charmed. Yeah. Feel that burn); there are incest vibes everywhere; and Holly Valance appears in one episode and does her worst attempt at an American accent ever. Rebel Wilson would wince.

You should check it out because it’s so pathetic that it’s endearing; there’s a musical number at the end of one episode, which includes Ares for some reason; and Patrick Fabian (another Veronica Mars refugee) is foiled in one episode by being shot too many times with a lust gun. It’s something worth experiencing.

Should it have been renewed? Fuck, no. Not even that cliffhanger could have saved it.

 

Ringer Sarah Michelle Gellar Siobhan Bridget

Buffy says no to drugs, kids.

Ringer

The CW. 22 Episodes. 2011-2012.

Why I watched it: I got about 9 episodes into this during its original run before I had to let it go. But I’m back, bitches.

I wish I hadn’t come back, though. This supposed noir/thriller/soap starring an aging Sarah Michelle Gellar is an unqualified mess. It really is. From Gemma’s death onwards, nothing makes any sense. This culminates in the absurd penultimate episode which reveals Andew’s (Ioan Gruffudd) ex-wife as the assassin-hiring, behind-the-scenes villainess (who is also in a lesbian relationship with Jaime Murray. Just because). Then the finale cuts off without our SMG twins getting to properly meet and have the promised catfight. Did they really think they were getting another season?

I hate this show because it feels like a nightmarishly elongated midday movie; Siobhan’s (the evil twin) motive is stupid: she wanted Bridget (the good twin) to take her place and get assassinated as revenge for Bridget having a small, coincidental hand in Siobhan’s son’s death several years ago. Something we only see arbitrarily in an episode around the middle. What? Oh, and all the plotlines introduced at the start of the series fizzle out by the halfway point and are replaced by the already-described procession of fucktardery.

You should check it out because Jason Dohring, yet another VM castoff, is in it (The CW likes to keep things in the family, huh?); twinanigans are always fun; and the leading men are all quite attractive (Kristoffer Polaha was in Valentine, too. And Nestor “guyliner” Carbonell you might recognise from this year’s very solid Bates Motel).

Should it have been renewed? You know what? Yes. Only so I could get that catfight.

 

The Beautiful Life Sara Paxton pilot red dress

Jazz hands!

The Beautiful Life

The CW. 5 Episodes. 2009.

Why I watched it: Dat cast. Nico Tortorella, Mischa Barton, Sara Paxton, Elle Macpherson, Ashley Madekwe. And Jaime Murray, natch.

And Corbin Bleu, but we try not to talk about that. I’m also only a couple of episodes in so far on this one, but it’s already my favourite of the bunch. This “models in New York” fashion soap feels like a combination of Top Model and Gossip Girl. Which is fucking perfect in my book. It must have been expensive as fuck to make, though. And it’s shallow in the extreme. At least you can watch it on YouTube.

I hate this show because it’s making we wish there was more of it; Mischa Barton really can’t act; and it runs the risk of boiling down to “pretty people in superficial situations but still whingeing about it” territory. No, wait. It is that. Oops.

You should check it out because it’s pretty people in superficial situations but are still whingeing about it, which is thematically identical to what I do (I’m probably not as pretty. Not that I’d admit to it); Elle McPherson is in it, bitch; and Nico Tortorella is, like, really pretty.

Should it have been renewed? Yes yes yes. More. More of this. But stop after 2 seasons. You don’t wanna follow in all of Gossip Girl’s footsteps.

 

Eastwick martinis

I wish that’s how it worked.

Eastwick

ABC. 13 Episodes. 2009.

Why I watched it: Rebecca Romijn. Duh. Pepper Dennis 4ever.

I’m not at all familiar with The Witches of Eastwick, but I am familiar with Rebecca Romijn being fucking hot. Throw in a pre-PLL Ashley Benson, Sara Rue, and Jamie Ray Newman (VM representing again. But she managed to break away from the CW circlejerk), and I’m down. Eastwick was a disappointingly meandering supernatural waste of time. But it has got that ABC shine.

I hate this show because we never really get any answers on the whole Darryl front (Darryl is also nowhere near hot enough for our leading ladies); Darren Criss is in it, afrotastic even; and Rebecca Romijn is cast as a hippie type, so doesn’t get to dress to the standard her flawless body deserves.

You should check it out because it proves that Ashley Benson is forever trapped in Rosewood (the streets look very familiar); Joanna’s witchy power is essentially the same as compulsion from TVD (and she uses it to bang a married gay guy. Rape is okay if it’s funny. And a man is the victim. #radfem); and Cybill Shepherd shakes off the cobwebs to strut her shit as an older witch. She’s brutally fantastic.

Should it have been renewed? I want to say yes, but if it had, then Ashley Benson probably wouldn’t have been in PLL. Which would be too cruel.

 

666 Park Avenue Rachael Taylor Dave Annable seduction

You’re better than that.

666 Park Avenue

ABC. 13 Episodes. 2012-2013.

Why I watched it: This was on my list to track when it premiered, but I didn’t think I could fit this, Revenge, and Once Upon a Time all in on the same day. So it got cut. Luckily, ABC felt the same way.

A mystery show that wasn’t around long enough to answer any of its mysteries, I’ll most remember 666 Park Avenue for being an absolute waste of the talent and beauty of the radiant Rachael Taylor. Not to mention the key logic flaw: just move the fuck out, you idiots. It’s made clear that you’re only in danger when you’re inside the Drake. Just fucking go. This isn’t Insidious or Sinister. It’ll work. Move.

I hate this show because the subplot about that other couple never meaningfully crosses over with the main plotline (and is ended pretty badly); I don’t care about the struggles of a guy who’s a lawyer running for a local election (and whose wife is an architect and can get a job as a building manager just be walking into an interview. My First World Problems sense is tingling); there’s some embarrassing CGI; and the “you’re my daughter” wrap up between John Locke and Rachael is rubbish. I know they were given short notice of cancellation, but damn.

You should check it out because Rachael Taylor is a bright light in the sloppy darkness; everyone is really pretty (Brian, that blonde chick, etc); Whoopi Goldberg’s in it for a bit; Tessa Thompson is here, too (and has good hair for once); and despite the lacklustre conclusion, the mystery showed promise. And I love this promo.

Should it have been renewed? Maybe for 1 or 2 more episodes to wrap things up properly. But no more than that.

 

So as we head into premiere season for all our returning favourites, and the new additions (particularly CW and ABC. Because they apparently are the only networks vapid enough for me to care about), let us remember the victims of cancellations past.

And please, CW, don’t ever cast Jaime Murray in a new show again. She’s poison. Beautiful, British poison.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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