Spring Breakers – Film Review

Spring Breakers Ashley Benson I love penis

I don’t think they were paying much attention in school, anyway.

Ordinarily I try to not base ratings too heavily on my personal feelings.

Because, as a bitchy, terrible-as-a-human-being hipster, I don’t have that many (most of the time).

But fuck it, I’m rating this absolute piece of shit pretentious cunt of a movie down, baby.

TL;DR It’s an absolutely pretentious piece of shit. None of the girls act in any conceivably believable way. The only character who isn’t a complete fuckwit is James Franco‘s Alien, and he’s an annoying as fuck motormouth drug dealer. What an attention whore of a movie. 1 out of 5 stars.

Maybe being an attention whore is the point?

The “plot” concerns 4 college girls who want to leave their sleepy hometown behind and go on Spring Break. Because they’re fucking retarded, they’re unable to save enough money to do this, so the 3 that aren’t Selena Gomez rob a restaurant and off they go. After a lot of slow-mo party scenes, the girls get arrested. Franco bails them out and then starts creeping on them. Selena fucks off home because she is the least retarded. The other 3 become Franco’s enforcers for some reason. Pinkie Pie fucks off home after getting shot in the arm and realising “hey, being a goddamn drug dealer’s gun-wielding enforcer is shit,” leaving Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens to prove that they are the most retarded of them all. The story ends when Franco, Ashley and Vanessa launch an attack on a rival gangster. Franco dies, but the girls manage to murder every hardened gangster on the property by simply walking in a straight line and shooting. Then they drive off into the sunset.

If only they’d killed themselves alla Thelma & Louise. Then I might have gotten a bit of satisfaction.

Really, apart from the obvious shock value stuff, the big issue with Spring Breakers is the utter lack of motivation for any of the girls.

It was bad enough when they were being the trashiest trash whores that ever trashed. As a frequent binge drinker, I can get behind that. Minus the drugs.

But then becoming enforcers for a drug dealer? Why? Because you want to be all edgy and dangerous? I suppose the fact that Vanessa and Ashley’s dialogue mainly consists of “motherfucker” might explain why they don’t get their motivation across very well. But, like, seriously. Why?

I know uni is boring, but fuck.

Why I hate this movie:

Even then, I could have somehow tolerated the “being badass” stuff. Until they straight-up murdered an entire mansion full of gangsters. For no reason. Franco dies as soon as they arrive. The only reason they were involved was because the rival gangster and Franco were in a slapfight over territory. Why the actual fuck would these 2 college girls murder all those people? Give us some fucking reason.

I guess you could make a case that Spring Breakers is in a hyperreal setting, so their actions should be viewed accordingly. But we don’t even get a motivation as far as that setting would require. Jawbreaker is one of my favourite movies of all time and features girls doing crazy, illegal things (including a killing. But it’s accidental. Maybe). But they have reasons. Courtney is a power hungry Alpha Bitch who wants to rule the school. Marcie is a weak-willed kiss-ass who just wants to stay on Courtney’s good side. Fern/Vylette just wants to be popular. We don’t get any of that in Spring Breakers. The girls just roll along with whatever the plot randomly decides to do to them.

The incessant slow-mo is too much. Yeah, seeing slow-mo, bouncing titties is nice the first couple of times, but it just makes the movie feel so much longer than it is. You’re not Baz Luhrmann, Harmony. Stop it.

The only one of the main 4 girls who you really get to see topless is Pinkie Pie, the only non-famous one (and the director’s wife). There are some blurry, underwater shots of Vanessa and Ashley later, but we got full slow-mo (and bouncing) titties earlier. Disappointing.

The voicemails the girls leave for their families back home are the most pretentious bullshit I’ve ever heard. Selena’s “this is the most spiritual place I’ve ever been” takes the cake. I’m fairly certain that it’s intentional, but that doesn’t make it any more bearable.

The plot is kicked off by the Bad 3 robbing the restaurant. This only happens because 4 fucking young adults only manage to save (I’m sure I heard correctly) $325. Between them. For something they want badly enough to commit armed robbery. And isn’t a surprise, because Spring Break happens at the same time every year. So yeah, the movie is pretty much unable to recover from that absolute horseshit.

Oh, but they can afford cocaine, apparently.

Heather Morris is in it. Because Spring Breakers needed to bring in the least talented actress from Glee to really show how impressive it is.

Day drinking in the sun sucks. It’s exhausting.

Vanessa and Ashley watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Obvious.

When they’re arrested, they act like it’s the end of the world if they have to stay in jail for 2 days instead of paying a fine. Shut the fuck up.

Franco calls Britney Spears one of the greatest singers of all time. Has he heard her sing?

He and the Bad 3 sing Britney’s Everytime. It’s awful.

Oh, and there’s a scene early on where Vanessa and Ashley are bored in a lecture. So Ashley doodles “I love penis” and shows it to Vanessa, who responds by doodling a dick with “Spring Break, bitch” written on it and air-fellates it. So edgy.

Reasons to watch:

Selena, Ashley, Vanessa, and James Franco all in one place. That’s pretty okay.

Slow-mo titties.

The girls pee on the side of the road. It’s cute.

Vanessa kinda gets her tits out (nothing we haven’t seen before, though).

There’s finally a sex scene late in the movie, with Franco, Vanessa and Ashley in the pool. It was effective.

Likewise, there’s a scene where Vanessa and Ashley force Franco to fellate some loaded guns. It’s hot.

Selena gets some big points for being the first one to get the fuck outta there. As soon as they start hanging out with gangsters while still wearing their bikinis, she figures things out pretty quick. That deserves a bit of praise, hey?

Pinkie Pie gets a couple of points for following her lead, though it takes getting fucking shot for her to wake up.

Vanessa gets best line when the girls are admiring their robbery haul: “Seeing all this money makes my pussy wet.” Oh, Vanessa. First Sucker Punch, now this. Next step: this. #LifeAfterDisney

The party scenes have a lot of extras. So they don’t look cheap.

Oh, and the twerking strippers are nice.

Verdict:

This had the foundations to be something really fun: formerly squeaky clean stars in a sexy, boozy, controversial film. I mean, I wanted trashy. But all I got was trash. 1 out of 5 stars.

Spring Breakers James Franco Alien fellates guns

He had to look at his costume every day in the mirror, so.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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