The Bachelor Australia: Why? – Blog

The Bachelor Australia Tim

He just can’t see it because he keeps bashfully putting his hand over his eyes.

EDIT: Continue on my The Bachelor journey here, and my finale preview here.

At least it’s better than The Farmer Wants A Wife.

But really. Why?

If you’re not familiar with The Bachelor, it’s a dating show where a bunch of women live in a house and all try to hook up with a guy. The premise itself is flawed from the beginning: this guy is hot as fuck, affluent, has a good job, and is hot as fuck. So why do you need a reality show to find a girlfriend?

The women are, unsurprisingly, also all hot as fuck (except Jolene). Most of them seem to have not-awful jobs (there’s a doctor in there, so). At the very least, they know how to strut a cocktail dress (except Jolene).

There’s also the whole, creepy harem thing. But that comes with the dating show territory, doesn’t it?

We’re only 2 episodes in, so maybe it’s early to judge, but I think The Bachelor might just be too bland to work. It hasn’t got the gimmick of The Farmer Wants A Wife. Which means that when it’s fucking lame as shit and awkward, it can’t be passed off as cutesy. Just pathetic. Being the less pathetic version of a show is something new for Channel 9.

And The Bachelor hasn’t got the wackiness and straight-up stupidity of Channel 7’s closest parallel, Beauty & The Geek. I know BATG isn’t supposed to be a dating show, but the increasingly artificial and trashy Australian version has been death-spiralling down that way for ages. And it’s fun. Something The Bachelor isn’t.

The Bachelor appears to be relying on some intrinsic honesty. Like these people genuinely think they’re going on this show to find love. Yeah, it’s the first Australian series of it. But we all know there’s been about 20,000 American versions, so we know it’s not genuine.

 

But did you really come here to hear me muse on the politics of Australian reality shows? No. You came here to get my whingeing about the girls. So here:

Favourite: Anna, 26. She’s pretty, but not too plastic. She’s not anorexic. She seemed kinda drunk and dippy during the first impression (she had lipstick on her teeth). And she’s not a fucking psychopath.

2nd Favourite: Ali, 27. She is a fucking psychopath. But she’s easily the most attractive girl, so she’s in with a chance.

Honourable Mentions:

  • Rochelle, 27. She looked pretty crap on the first night, but she’s turned out to be beautiful with less makeup. She also seems pretty honest.
  • Alana, 29. Reminds me of Dee from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Least Favourite: Jolene, 23. Ugly. Bitch (but not the kind I like). Is from The Shire, which is not something Channel 10 should really be trying to remind us about. She got kicked out in the first episode, though, so justice does exist.

Dishonourable Mentions:

  • Emma, 25. Had the worst case of ducklips on Australian reality TV since Tamika from BATG. I say “had” because bitch fucked off in the second episode. You will not be missed.
  • Natalie, 34. “Model.” Horrifying, plastic monster. Michael Jackson would come back from the dead purely to laugh at her nose.
  • Laura, 24. Pumpkin headed worrywort. Wouldn’t shut up about the fact that she couldn’t get any alone time with the Bachelor. While I originally respected her “don’t butt in” policy, that expired when she kept going on about it.

I’m surprised at how many of the women were over 30. The Bachelor himself is 30, and of the 25 contestants, 8 are 30 or over. Which kinda mitigates the handful of 22-24 year olds. Kinda.

Oh, and Andrew “don’t call me Andrew G anymore” G is the host. But he’s now not even Andrew Gunsberg, he’s Osher Gunsberg. Because drastically changing your stage name in the twilight of your hosting career is a super good idea.

The Bachelor Australia Andrew G Osher Gunsberg

And he hasn’t even got James Mathison around anymore to make him look grounded and human.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

36 responses to “The Bachelor Australia: Why? – Blog”

  1. Anonymous says :

    I presume you realise that none of these “contestants” (including the bachelor) are who the show claims they are? Elsewhere on the web you’ll find references to the fact that most of the girls are “bikini models” or perennial beauty pageant contestants. For example, Ali (Alison Oetjen) – who is definitely one of the more fascinating ones is an actor, bikini model, pit girl, pageant contestant … but not the real estate agent they claim she is. The bachelor himself is apparently famous for his womanising in certain Sydney circles, and is (along with most of the girls) available through a modelling site – and has been a regular “topless entertainer” as a waiter and other activities around town. All a bit pathetic really.

  2. Sammy says :

    I see Belle didn’t get a mention. My brother plays football and she is a piece of work. Worked at Eve Nightclub and went home with any football that she could. My mum found her in my brothers bed and kicked her out because she knew she’d been with THREE of his mates at HIS FOOTBALL CLUB. I am not surprised to see Belle on this show as she’s always been desperate. She’s really not attractive and tries to throw her vagina around to compensate. She also swears a lot. Good to see she isn’t doing that on the show. Belle from the Bachelor Australia is really something else – not in a good way either. Great casting – not!

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      She sounds like the perfect girl for The Bachelor.

      She obviously didn’t throw her vagina around enough, though. Shame. It would have made good TV.

    • Abby says :

      Bitter Much, She’s So Pretty, Just because she pronounces her words perfectly doesn’t make her a slut, would love you to put your real name and your “afl brothers” name and the so called “afl team” he plays for, lol
      Why lower yourself because of jealousy it makes you look like a 14 year old mean girl in high school, so lets be grownups now ok??!! Thank You it’s much appreciated 🙂

  3. Kara says :

    Bottom line is…it’s all for entertainment. Like WWE, it’s all just acting. That’s “reality TV” for you. Many of which, are scripted or rehearsed. These ppl are all in it for publicity to advance their modelling/acting careers and raise their public profiles. Tim has slept with many of the female socialites in Sydney and there’s only one reason for that – To *cough* gain popularity *cough* (I went to school with the guy…Do your research if you don’t believe me). Did I mention he flew back to L.A to get back with his ex after filming The Bachelor? He says it’s for his “Chiropractor job” but those who know the entertainment industry know that this is a load of bollocks 🙂

    • ijusthateeverything says :

      I miss the naive days of reality TV, where we could almost believe it was real.

      But hey, as long as it’s good to watch, I’ll keep watching.

      And I totally believe that Tim is a huge slut IRL.

  4. Hollie says :

    ‘Liked’ purely for the Osher Gunsberg comment… So funny and so true.

    He should revert back to his long-haired channel V days.

  5. sharon says :

    At 8am on channel 31 you can watch Humphrey Bear on which Alison Oetjen is one of the hosts. She usually comes on halfway through the show sort of singing and dancing in the playgym section.

  6. prax says :

    I loved your review on each character and thought it was spot on .how could any hate so much and yet be so right !you’ve got my vote over Julia Gillard ,that bitch kevi rudd who keeps talking selfies .

  7. prax says :

    oops meant to say how could anyone hate so much and yet be so right ….fkin predictive text

  8. KesJayne says :

    Hahahah. This is probably the most hilarious -and accurate- overview of The Bachelor I’ve read. Thanks for the laugh

  9. Adam says :

    Good article, so they claim it’s “Reality TV” what part is actually reality ? it’s all so ridiculous, the guy’s just a massive player, and what was with the “ring choosing”… just a bit of “sponsor recognition”. The guy’s been spotted doing the social circuits with no girl on his arm… Total tool I tell you, and Ali’s booking website up within 24hrs…. This should have classed it as a comedy !

  10. Michele says :

    I’m figuring that Anna wins, only because the series finished a while ago and both Anna was at Derby Day in Melbourne and so was Tim, though they weren’t photographed together!

  11. wano says :

    Apparently Tim is in custody for domestic assault. He allegedly bashed Anna for while in a steroid induced rage. He plans to fight all charges once he gets out of rehab for his cocaine addiction.

  12. Star1 says :

    I feel so sorry for Rochelle and she deserves better! Watching the Bachelor is like watching all the females going though pain – like watching farmers mustering sheep or cattle – oh that must be a farmer wants a wife

  13. Chocolate says :

    haha this was spot on! Ali is so gorgeous with or without makeup. Such a pity she’s crazier than the crazy cat lady.. Here is Barney’s explanation that I live by http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN_sSXKbzHk

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