Oblivion – CBF Review

Oblivion Tom Cruise clone

Is there anything else you can do with 2 Tom Cruises?

Yes, this is better than the last Tom Cruise movie I watched.

Still a tad too much shirtlessness for my gag reflex to handle, though.

The plot is something something post-apocalypse. Tom Cruise and his red-headed British lover/partner are a maintenance crew working on Earth, which has been devastated by a nuclear war a few decades ago. They keep some generator things running so the remaining humans can power a space colony on Titan, and also suppress the alien remnants who lost the war. But surprise, Tom and BritBrit are actually clones and are really working for evil alien overlords and the whole nuclear war thing never happened and Morgan Freeman tasks Tom with saving the human race. Naturally. There’s a subplot involving Olga Kurylenko as Tom’s (original Tom. Not Clone Tom) wife, and Jaime Lannister is here, despite having no effect on the plot whatsoever. And Melissa Leo pays the rent with a phoned in, “ominous boss” role.

I hate this movie because it’s way too long and takes way, way too long to actually get started; there’s a lot of obnoxious slo-mo and wub wub, like when Tom falls off the rope in the library; and both of Tom’s love interests are frustratingly young for him (Olga Kurylenko is 18 years younger than Tom Cruise, and Andrea “BritBrit” Riseborough is 20 years younger than him). We saw how that worked out IRL with Katie. Stop projecting, Tom.

You should watch because the twist is actually pretty fantastic and sad (and I did not see that shit coming); the special effects are pretty cool; and Zoe Bell shows up in the ending scene as Jaime Lannister’s girlfriend for some reason. I lol’d.

Verdict: 2 out of 5 stars.

Surely Morgan Freeman could be doing something better?

Oblivion Morgan Freeman

Shh, Morgan. Just pretend it’s another Batman movie and Christian Bale has lost a few inches.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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  1. G.I. Joe: Retaliation – Film Review | I Just Hate Everything - August 27, 2013

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