The Tall Man – CBF Review

The Tall Man Jessica Biel

I guess that explains why you’re settling for this piece of shit.

If you looked through my CBF Review history, you might think that I don’t give a shit about horror movies (I’ve done a few of them, hey?).

It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that a lot of them are garbage.

Let’s add some more to the pile.

The Tall Man starts out alright. Something something lots of kids in a small, impoverished town are getting kidnapped by a local legend called The Tall Man. Jessica Biel is a nurse-turned-doctor who is doing what she can to help the town out. Which turns out to be a lot more than they thought, when the twist gets dropped midway through: she and a covert band of do-gooders are kidnapping the children to save them from this shithole of a life and adopting them out to wealthy (and clearly unscrupulous) people. The movie then takes a sharp turn down “supposedly meaningful” lane, and never comes back. There’s also a subplot involving the film’s narrator, Jodelle Ferland, who knows what Biel does and allows herself to be taken to a better life.

I hate this movie because the tension goes out very quickly and very dissatisfyingly; the preachy thing shuts out what could have been a fun story about a delusional woman kidnapper and the town that lays siege to her; and just to really hammer home how far away from being decent it is, Biel is afforded the chance to have a didactic rant near the end about how childrens’ potential is crushed by bureaucracy and the harshness of life whinge whinge whinge.

You should watch because the twist if pretty awesome (if way, way too early in); the Tall Man/kidnapping/dead mining town premise and location is a bit alright; and I gotta give Biel and co props for duping this dumbass town for so long.

Verdict: 2 out of 5 stars.

If you stop watching just as Biel starts having her rant, you’ll be a lot better off.

The Tall Man Jessica Biel

All you’ll miss is Jodelle being a selfish cunt. No great loss.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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