Pretty Little Liars Season 4 Episode 9 – TV Review

Hanna Fashionistard Counter:
This week is surprisingly appealing (yes, even the orange).
Our count is now 6 No Way, 3 Okay.

It’s Emily’s birthday! Happy Birthday, least favourite Liar!

And her present is an almost-drowned nemesis.

I wish someone would gift me almost-drowned nemeses for my birthday. Instead, I usually get, like, money. And unconditional love.


TL;DR Jenna is drowned (but isn’t dead yet), Ashley is released on bail, Emily’s relationship future is looking as bleak as her swimming future, and something something Ezra’s paternity something.

Who even remembers Ezra’s son exists at this point?

Plot? I’ve got the lot:

We’re finally a bit Hanna-lite this week. The plot picks up where Mona left us off last episode: her confession. It’s enough to secure doubt to get Ashley allowed a release on bail. Unfortunately, they need 10% of a $1 million bail. Fortunately, Ted still wants that Ashley V (who wouldn’t?), so pays that shit. Hanna is happy.

Emily gets the most play this episode. It’s her birthday, but before she can get to her surprise party, Paige gets her an interview with some swimming coach extraordinaire. Emily realises her swimming future will probably never happen thanks to her injury, and thus realises she and Paige probs won’t be together in college. Aww. Jenna also gets drowned at her party.

Aria has some typical “do I or don’t I” feelings drama with Jake. After seeing his hawt abs and getting jealous for no reason, she decides to get on it. Ugh. Ezra has some tiff with Maggie because she wants to move away and take Malcolm with her.

And Spencer doesn’t do much this episode. She and Aria try to concoct a scheme to ambush Jenna for information, but it’s put to a stop when they find her face down in the lake. Naturally.

I suppose season 3 was pretty Spencer heavy. Girl deserves a break.

But you know who doesn’t deserve a break? Aria. Never.

So now she definitely is going to try her luck with Jake. Fucking hell, cunt. Can you ever just be part of a sensible decision and stick to it? This goes for Jake, too. He was the one who wanted to call it off, but now he’s all over her. Why? Because she said so. Whipped.

And who gives a flying fuck about Ezra and Malcolm? They were barely tolerable as a plot point when Aria was involved. Now she isn’t even there to give it some contextual purpose. It’s literally just soap opera garbage that’s taking away from actual plot.

Hanna’s fashion is back on track, though. So it’s not all doom and gloom.

Why I hate this episode:

But seriously, fuck Aria. If I’d known the Jake bullshit would be back, I wouldn’t have scared off the Connor bullshit.

Mona’s confession conflicts with some of the evidence, so she hasn’t been arrested yet. On one hand, Mona could have gotten her facts wrong, which would be pretty ridiculous, considering it’s goddamn Mona. The other possibility (which is more likely) is that she did it on purpose only to create enough doubt to secure Ashley’s release, but not get fucked over herself. Either way, I’m not happy: Mona’s either an idiot, or Ashley could still be in serious danger. The only happy ending to this would be to find out Ashley did indeed shoot the shit out of Wilden. And I doubt that.

Emily’s got a bit of a point with her disappointment in Paige. It would be pretty heartbreaking to hear everything the coach had to say, believing that he was already aware of your injury, only to find out it’s pretty much a no-go. However, it’s bizarre that Emily could go through their entire meeting without once mentioning or hinting at her injury. Too contrived, baby.

Hanna doesn’t get to go to the party, so she doesn’t get to wear a party outfit. Which could have been pretty, or, more likely, could have been fashionistarded. Damn you.

Ashley has an ankle monitor to keep her under house arrest. It apparently also doubles as a sobriety monitor. Why?

Shana only goes to the party because Paige (under guidance from Spencer and Aria) lies that the Rosewood coach is going to be there. I still don’t get why she brought Jenna with her. Jenna clearly didn’t wanna be there. I know they’re, like, a couple or whatever, but I’m pretty sure your girlfriend could forgive you for not going to one party where your mortal enemies are.

Aria acts like her jealousy towards Jake’s blonde date to Emily’s party is totally righteous and she should be allowed to be mad over a problem she caused through her own lying. And I say hell to the no-woo-oh.

Oh, and Ezra may not be Malcolm’s father. Who. Fucking. C. A. R. E. S.

Reasons to watch:

On the other hand, lol Ezra.

Spencer and Aria overhear Jenna and Shana talking at school. Jenna is scared of “her” and says she’s running out of time. After her drowning, Spencer goes to the hospital. Shana divulges that “her” is Cece. That’s my bitch.

Near the end of the episode, we see Red Coat breaking into the Dilaurentis house. She’s back (in town), bitches.

Jenna’s going blind again. I lol’d.

Ashley is out on bail! Yay! And Ted posted the $100,000 they needed. I had my doubts about him before, but splash that cash and I’m all yours, Teddy Bear. I approve. For now. I’m also completely expecting him to have gotten the money from somewhere shady.

While Mona hasn’t been arrested yet, the end of the episode does show her checking back into her old room at Radley. It’s unclear whether this is voluntary, or is an arrangement by the police. I know I whinged about the mental hospital overreliance, but Mona is the original Radley bitch. She’s allowed.

Aria perves on Jake’s shirtlessness when he’s getting changed in her house (see pic above). It’s not lecherous if they’re both hot, okay?

Emily realises that Paige was only trying her hardest to get Emily back into a swimming scholarship so they can stay together after high school. Their teary admission to each other that it won’t work out was pretty sad, yo. These two have come a long way. And it’s brave (by PLL standards) to not have them earn their happy ending. Unless that changes due to Emily magically getting better.

Best line of the episode goes to, of all people, Ezra. He and Maggie are arguing about who should have primary custody of Malcolm, and Maggie brings up a dumbass point, which Ezra is way too ready to tear down:
Maggie: “But I’m the one who’s been there for him for the past 7 years.”
Ezra: “And whose fault is that?”
Burn, baby, burn.

Hanna comes in a very very (very) close second with this simple statement to Ted, who overhears her begging Tom for the bail money. He says she needs to have a little bit of faith: “I don’t need faith. I need money.” It is my life philosophy.

Paige honestly believes that Mona might have legit killed Wilden. I wouldn’t be surprised.

Jenna’s near-death face was almost too satisfying to handle (someone hit her on the head before she went into the lake, so it definitely wasn’t an accident, either).

Shana says Jenna was afraid of Cece for not only her own safety, but Shana and the Liars’, too. Wow.

Oh, and Hanna only gets 3 outfits this week. One is a set of cute pyjamas. Another is a plain sleeping outfit. And in the other one, she somehow makes orange pants work. I think it’s just my brain being happy that she actually, you know, wore pants. Intead of tights. Baby steps.

Pretty Little Liars Hanna orange pants

At long last.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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