Kruger Town: Everyone’s Here (but most of them are terrible) – Blog

Big Brother 2013 Australia Drew


I was going to do a post about Anita Sarkeesian’s latest stinker, but Inuit Inua already covered that for me. She’s so reliable.

Instead, here’s another shitpost about Big Brother Australia 2013, where I make yet more unfounded claims against the new housemates.

I mean, why else would you come here?

So without any further fucking around, here’s the rest of the housemates (at least until the obligatory intruders. Which by Channel 9’s standards, will be wholly underwhelming. Ava who?):

Jade, 22
“Hey, I used to be a model in Italy, but I traded it all in so I can work in a pub in Ballina.” I don’t believe you. Also, dem forehead wrinkles and crow’s feet. At least she seems nice. And she’s blonde, so that’s good. And the way Big Brother “tested” the housemates on her fake marriage to Drew was so bullshit. They never stood a chance.
Prediction: she will run afoul of someone and be promptly nominated and evicted.

Drew, 24
He’s really pretty. But he has long hair that he doesn’t wash and is stinky, which is the absolute worst thing a human being can do. Especially a beautiful, beautiful man. He seems mostly innocuous, which means I don’t give a fuck about him (except for his pretty face). It weirds me out that he looks like David from series 6 whe he pulls his greaseball hair back, though.
Prediction: there is absolutely nothing relevant about him. He will be evicted near the middle when everyone realises he has no value.

And now onto our Latecomers. Not Intruders, Latecomers. Because Big Brother =/= consistency:

Rohan, 23
He’s and Indian at university and he’s an Arts student? Does not compute. His stereotype box isn’t completely unticked, though: he has an Indian girlfriend. She seems way cooler than him. Why isn’t she in here? He says he never uses the gym. Yeah, we can tell. And good god, do I hate his fucking scarves.
Prediction: he’s an “actor,” so will naturally be hated by any slightly real person he encounters. Don’t get attached to him, which I’m sure won’t be a problem for about 100% of you.

Katie & Lucy, 22 & 21
Not twins. Just creepy sisters who like to dress, hairstyle, talk, and act the same. In their little video intro they claimed “we’re not blonde bimbos.” Umm, yeah. You are. I’m hoping their insane levels of fakeness (their attitude, not their appearance. Though that, too) was only them trying to play nice for their introductions. Because if they keep that shit up, I’ll have to clean the layers of dead skin, sweat and Cheeto dust off of my remote to find the mute button. They’re also playing as a single housemate and can never be more than 3 metres apart, because why not?
Prediction: they’re too gross to be desired by any of the male housemates, so they’ll be right behind Rohan with their ticket outta there. Unless the housemates mistake them for being mentally deficient and take pity on them.

Before I go, I’d also like to throw out a few miscellaneous gripes:

Shelley Craft is almost as bad at hosting Big Brother as Sonia. The Showdown (Friday Night Live minus anything that made it good. And now relegated to Saturday) isn’t even live. Extra demerits for bringing 2012’s Michael in as a guest commentator, again, on something that isn’t live. The arena is also tiny and enclosed and I hate it. They better at least do a gross eating challenge.

Ben is a fucking freak show. He actually broke down because he felt silly for thinking Jade and Drew were married. Get a grip, cunt. Jesus fucking Christ. What a whingey little crybaby bitch.

Almost as bad as Tully, who had a meltdown because she didn’t wanna be on the Poor Side anymore wahhhhh. I guess her first night tears should have been an indicator of this kind of thing.

Oh, and my prediction on Mikkayla was wrong: apparently everyone is accutely aware that she exists and they hate her bossy guts. Her crazy teacher/Asian dictator act did help her team through that one game on Showdown, though. These housemates are so ungrateful.

Big Brother 2013 Australia Katie Lucy

In totally unrelated news, her lobotomy experiments are going very well.

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About ijusthateeverything

Sincerity is death.

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